Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Mystery Monkey Silenced: Trump smells cover-up

Mystery Monkey latest martyr in Donald Trump's attempts to get the truth.

Posted By on Wed, Oct 24, 2012 at 10:51 PM

Officials in Tampa Bay Florida have successfully captured the Mystery Monkey that had been roaming throughout the community for the past two years. 

With less than two weeks to go before the Presidential election, the timing of the capture has some people crying foul. 

click to enlarge monkey_caught_245195d.jpg

"We've got a right to know why all of the sudden city officials decided to silence the monkey," said political antagonist and entrepreneur Donald Trump. "After allowing the monkey to be free for two years, this can't be a simple coincidence."

Trump may have a point when one looks at the easy capture of the macaque rhesus monkey. A capture that involved the daughter of a woman recently bitten by the monkey. 

They placed bananas in and around the cage that wildlife rescuer Vernon Yates had installed weeks ago to catch the monkey.

About noon, Shannon Fowler, Elizabeth's daughter, arrived. She stood outside, waved a banana and made smooching sounds.

The monkey emerged from the woods and perched on a branch. He scampered toward the trap.


Trump sees the biting incident as nothing more than a fabricated justification for jailing the monkey. 

"Obviously this monkey has information about President Obama's college records.Why else would he have been so eager to get his hands on a banana? Everyone knows that monkeys suffer potassium deficiencies when hiding political secrets.I'm prepared to offer 5 million dollars to anyone who can provide documentation showing who ordered the hit."

The sum of 5 million dollars was also offered by Trump earlier in the day as a potential charitable donation to any organization chosen by the President if only he would release college and passport records. A challenge that found many detractors on Twitter, leaving his stunt largely laughed at. 

click to enlarge trump_tweet.jpg

Still, Trump's speculations did spark some outcry from other notable members of the simian community. 

"It seems very odd to me," signed former Michael Jackson friend Bubbles the Chimpanzee-- who is also a Florida resident. "I hope as soon as the election is over, Mystery Monkey will be freed."

In the end, a monkey popular enough to have his own facebook page is now a ward of the state and Trump is no closer to getting any answers. Two situations that became inexplicably intertwined the moment stupidity woke up this morning. 

(THIS ARTICLE IS WRITTEN AS SATIRE. THESE RIDICULOUS QUOTES DID NOT COME FROM DONALD TRUMP. HE SAID THINGS MUCH DUMBER THAN THIS ALL ON HIS OWN TODAY)

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