Tonight, Duke University, a basketball powerhouse since the early 1960s is playing for its fourth national championship against the lowly, slightly dorky-looking and dorky-acting men of Butler University. You may very well be one of the millions of people who inexplicably cheer for Duke each season, and if so, this is for you.
Did you know that Duke isn’t the only steamrolling, uncompromising, leaving-a-trail-of-blood-in-its-wake powerhouse that you can cheer on? Here are a few others you can add to your list:
1980 Soviet Hockey Team
These guys never lose and if they do, they simply erase the loss from the history of their country (which has also been conveniently erased). They are winners of the highest degree, raking in seven Olympic gold medals and plenty more World Championships in a 30-year span. And just look at them in those red-on-red uniforms – they’re terrifying. Miracle on Ice? Never heard of it. Is that some sort of evangelical ice skating show?
The second Soviet on the list, Drago is precise to the point that he might actually be a robot, which would make sense, because his wife, with whom he shares a haircut, is also a robot. Drago is undefeatable and just to prove it, he went ahead and killed Apollo Creed, just because Creed was showboating. Drago hates showboating…and smiling...and loosing...and democracy. Like Duke, he has the best facilities available, including training machines that have a ton of blinking lights, which is how you know they’re good. Apparently, he fought Rocky, but if you’re a Duke fan, you probably didn’t bother to watch that one, because your powerhouse will always win.
Mick McAllister from Teen Wolf
You’ve seen this 1985 classic film, right? And you remember Mick McAllister, the hard-driving guard for the Dragons who scrubbed the gym floor with the diminutive Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox). McAllister was such a badass that he somehow went to Howard’s high school where he dated the hottest and most excellently permed chick available, but got to play ball for the crosstown basketball powerhouse, just ‘cause. When he fouls out, he doesn’t have to leave the court, he just stands under the basket and acts like a d-bag while opponents try to shoot free throws. And he didn’t lose that game, by the way, because Howard’s team, the Beavers, had to forfeit their season. Turns out you can’t have a half-wolf-half-rebellious-teen on your team. It’s a public health concern.
If you like Duke, you’re going to love this guy. He’s freaking enormous (the original big man, if you will) and he always demolishes his opponents…literally, as in he actually kills them. It’s not like anyone could beat him, so when engages in combat, it’s all purely academic. Sure, he’s got one weakness – he falls over and lets you cut off his head if you hit him with a stone – but it’s not like that’s going to happen.