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100% Fresh Straight Poop - for Best Results Use by 05/12/11 

Scoop Lewis reports on the past week's most newsworthy events.

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Monday,

May 2

Osama, The Aftermath: US officials say "mother lode" of intelligence seized from compound where Navy SEALS killed Osama bin Laden last week; "hundreds of people" examining contents of computers, thumb drives, etc. ... Meanwhile Rush Limbaugh belittles the exploit, says President Obama almost botched it and staged it as re-election ploy. Way to keep it classy there, Rush ... Elsewhere in the Middle East: More than 2,000 reportedly arrested in latest crackdown against Syrian protesters, another 5,000 missing ... Yes, that's a 1 plus 11 zeroes: Wall Street Journal estimates Facebook stock could be worth $100 billion in initial public offering, making it bigger than Amazon or Cisco.


Tuesday, May 3

Something else to be thankful for: Former President George W. Bush declines invitation to join President Obama at memorial visit to Ground Zero Thursday; spokesman says "he has chosen in his post-presidency to remain largely out of the spotlight" ... Covering the globe with crude! BP, the folks we have to thank for last year's Gulf of Mexico oil spill, fined $25 million for oil leakage from pipelines in Alaska ... Getting back at the banksters: US Justice Department sues Deutsche Bank AG for $1 billion, says it lied to obtain government insurance for thousands of crap home mortgages ... Osama's sweet tooth: Late unlamented terrorist apparently had hankering for soft drinks made by the Great Satan; local shopkeepers say people from his compound bought bulk quantities of Pepsi and Coke.

Wednesday, May 4

Osama Round-Up: Obama administration says it's decided not to release photos of dead bin Laden for fear of inciting "additional violence" ... Fort Sill Apache Tribe demands apology from US for using "Geronimo" as code name for mission, says it links name of their famous chief "to a terrorist and murderer of thousands of innocent Americans" ... CNN poll finds 61 percent of Americans think bin Laden is in Hell, 10percent think he isn't, 25 percent not sure ... Too much gleefulness? 20th Century Fox TV announces plans for 3D movie based on "Glee" TV show ... Too much excitement: David Owen Lamb, 65, convicted of public indecency for riding bicycle naked through Corvallis park; told cops he finds nude bike riding "exciting."

Thursday, May 5

Bitter tea to swallow: Billionaire Tea Party backer David Koch tells New York magazine reporter Obama deserves "zero credit" for getting bin Laden: "He just made the decision, it was obvious where the guy is" ... On Faux News, Andrew Napolitano says bin Laden was killed "on the illegal whim of the president" ... Meanwhile, FBI says computer found in bin Laden compound contained plans for attack on US rail system on 10th anniversary of 9/11 ... Rejoice, royalty fanatics! Prince William and bride Kate Middleton planning trip to Canada and California in July; no word on whether they'll drop in on Bend on way south ... Now this is grotesque: Divers recover body from Air France jet that crashed in Atlantic in 2009, still strapped into seat.

Friday, May 6

Another myth busted: Analysis by USA Today finds Americans paying smallest proportion of their incomes in taxes since 1958. Total for all local, state and federal taxes down to 23.6 percent of income ... Speaking of busted myths: Poll finds 70percent of Americans now believe President Obama really was born in the US, compared to 48percent before he released "long form" birth certificate ... And Al Qaeda officially confirms Osama bin Laden is dead, which ought to make some of the "deathers" shut up ... Backing away from that third rail: House Ways and Means Committee Chair Dave Camp (R-MI) says he's got no interest in pushing Medicare-gutting budget plan ... All You Need Is Love, Part III: Sir Paul McCartney, 68, announces engagement to NY businesswoman Nancy Shevell, 51. Third time around for him.

Saturday, May 7

The boring life of an arch-terrorist: Videos of bin Laden released by US show he led dull life inside compound, rarely going outside and spending most of his time on a computer. In other words, acting like an American teenager ... Meanwhile, regional Pakistani government official suggests turning bin Laden's compound into a tourist attraction. "Visit OsamaWorld"? Nah, don't think so ... Judson Phillips, head of Tea Party Nation, claims Obama didn't want to kill bin Laden but military overrode his decision, says info came from "a story floating around the Internet." Now there's a credible source ... Foreclosing on Greg: About 100 people march, chant and wave picket signs outside Rep. Greg Walden's office in Bend to protest his support of GOP budget, say he's done nothing to reduce foreclosures and create jobs in rural Oregon.

Sunday, May 8

Blowback? Taliban in second day of bloody offensive in Kandahar, Afghanistan, launching machine gun and suicide attacks; five killed, 46 injured so far ... Huthaifa al-Abatawi, alleged Al Qaeda agent being questioned in Baghdad, gets loose, leads prison break attempt that kills 18 ... Together again: Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell, whose flirtatious banter was so gosh-darn adorable on "American Idol," to reunite as judges on "X Factor," new singing show produced by Cowell ... Should Britain make her a rear admiral? There's now a Facebook page dedicated to the ass of Pippa Middleton, shapely sister and bridesmaid of Kate Middleton, who stole the show in a form-fitting white dress at last week's royal wedding.

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