[Dudes! I'm on vacation! So enjoy this only moderately moldy I Love Television™ repeat column, with adorable old-timey pop culture references left intact! - Humpy] "THIS WEEK! Super agent Jack Bauer returns in another exciting, pants-wetting, testicle-dropping, liposuction-ing season of the Fox hit series 24! DO... NOT... MISS... IT!!" Okay, how did I do? See, I'm really sick of scribbling TV columns, so I'm applying for a promo writing job at Fox. Why? Because I'm AWWWWWWESOMMMME! And I've learned you can sell anything to anybody if you just scream and use a lot of capital letters and EXTEEEEEEEEND ALLLLLL YOURRRRR WORRRRRRDS!!!
Plus! I'm killing two birds with one stone by using this TV column as a sample promo clip for Fox. Then they'll see what a great promo writer I am, hire me on the spot, and fly me to California - a place I've been led to believe is a magical land brimming with the purest cocaine, free hot roast beef sandwiches, and disease-free prostitute robots who look like Jessica Alba. So without further ado... Dear Fox Executive in Charge of Hiring Me: You know who I am, so let's cut the chitty-chat. I want a cushy job in California; you want a promo guy who can write THE SHIT out of a Fox TV commercial. Therefore here's a sample promo for this week's season debut of 24. ENJOY. Ka-BOOM! What's that sound? It's the shit-hot new season of 24 blowin' up in your FACE, yo! That's right, dick drip! Season numero FIVE-o is coming at 'cha, with all-new raging episodes featuring the world's oldest government ass-kicker, Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland). "Whoopty-whoop, playa, whaaaaaaa??" I hear you scream. "But I thought Jack Bauer faked his own death last season, and retired forever!" Wrong again, pee-hole! Jack is BACK in the government SHACK, with a dirty, dirty job that's wiggidy-WACK! [Note to Fox Executives: That last sentence was designed to attract the "urban youth" demographic.] Ka-POW! That's the sound of a famous foreign dignitary getting killed! RING-RING! WAH-WAH! That's the sound of Jack's old bosses calling him up and crying like LITTLE BITTY BITCHES to come back and clean up their mess! BANG-BANG-BLEED-PLOP-SSSSSSSSS! And that's the sound of Jack opening up a can of bullet-poppin' whup-ass, blowing away every terrorist in sight, and then peeing into their open mouths if they give him any lip! [Note to Fox Executives: That last sentence was designed to attract the "angry white male (particularly my father)" demographic.] THAT'S RIGHT, you disgusting fairy panty-waist! Get ready for TWO HOURS (HOURS, HOURS) OF NON-STOP ACTION (ACTION, ACTION) - and don't worry! You're favorite 24 characters are back as well, including Tony "Soul Patch" Almeida, Michelle "Nice Fun Bags" Dessler, Chloe "Not Hot, But Funny" O'Brien, and Audrey "Hot, But Has a Stick Up Her Bottom" Raines! And they're all gonna be kissing the sweet, old ass of JACK BAUER as he saves the useless lives of wimpy Americans like YOU in the most eye-popping, jaw-dropping, turtle-stomping, dope-smoking, antibacterial soaping season of 24 YET!! Kaaaaaa-BOOOOOOOOOMMMM! AWWWWWWESOMMMME! [Note to Fox Executives: I'd like my first week's paycheck, and Jessica Alba robo-tute now, please.] KA-BOOOOOM!!! HYPERLINK "mail to:email@example.com" firstname.lastname@example.org