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A Very Gimpy Xmas

All you favorite Christmas movies hit your television.

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Dear television in my living room: First I'd like to apologize for the stains on your screen - both you and I know how they got there, so I don't see any reason to discuss it further, other than to say, "I'm sorry." Secondly, I'd like to thank you for the best gift any wise-assed TV critic could hope for, American Horror Story, which you've thankfully been providing me for the past few months. Even though it was created by the same person who dreamed up and eventually ruined Glee (that would be Ryan Murphy), AHS is hands down the best new show of the season. Not only does this campy psycho-sexual creep fest feature terrific acting from all involved (especially freaky next door neighbor Jessica Lange), and at least one "OMIGOD, I've never seen that before on television" moment during every episode, it also regularly showcases Dylan McDermott's naked bottom AND is the only series I can think of that co-stars a rubber-suited gimp demon. (Not counting Two and a Half Men, of course.)

So again? Thank you, television, and I'm really looking forward to this coming Wednesday, Dec 21 at 10 pm on FX when I get to unwrap the slam-bang season one finale of AHS, creepily entitled "Afterbirth." As regular viewers already know, Vivien (Connie Britton) is pregnant with twins, which would be great, except for three things: 1) The twins have two fathers - Daddy Ben (Dylan McDermott) and the aforementioned rubber-suited gimp demon. 2) One of the twins is normal and the other one just maaaaaay be the Antichrist. And 3) Uggggh, TWINS?? That's like, twice the poopy diapers, am I right?

Anyway, considering the title of this episode, is it reasonable to expect a joyous birth, immediately followed by maybe a horned, cloven-hooved devil baby tearing up their just-painted nursery and spitting up copious amounts of split pea soup? ONE CAN ONLY HOPE!

Ahhh, it's true: That rubber-suited gimp demon has made Humpy's ho-ho-holiday season a jolly one indeed - which is why I think everyone would be jollier if he was in other shows as well! Say for example some of those well-worn Christmas specials,
such as...

A Charlie Brown Christmas: Concerned about the "materialism" of Christmas, Charlie Brown's faith is renewed when the gang performs a Nativity play, starring a rubber-suited gimp demon as the Baby Jesus. Shockingly, things don't end well.

It's a Wonderful Life: When a cranky miser ruins the town's savings and loan, the owner climbs onto a bridge to commit suicide. But before he can jump, a rubber-suited gimp demon floats down from heaven and shows the man how important his life really is - and then shoves him off the bridge where he's impaled on a spike.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Cursed with a blinking red nose, a genetically mutated reindeer is bullied and uninvited to any subsequent games. Thankfully an elf/dentist named Hermey, a prospector called Yukon Cornelius, and a rubber-suited gimp demon rush to his rescue. Rudolph eventually returns to Santa's workshop to find everyone grotesquely slaughtered, and hanging from the rafters by their own entrails. Oh, Hermey! How could you? (Wink!)

Rubber-suited gimps follow me on Twitter... why don't you? @WmSteveHumphrey