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Batten the Hatches 

The author is eating delicious geese, swept-up from Drake Park and gassed, just the way he likes it.

The author is eating delicious geese, swept-up from Drake Park and gassed, just the way he likes it.

Definition: Kafkaesque

Independence Day is obviously over, as Pfc. Bradley E. Manning is facing criminal charges for "leaking" 2007 video of one of our Apache helicopters killing 12 civilians in Baghdad, including two journalists working for Reuters. WikiLeaks released the video in April, and the 1st Air Cavalry Brigade's investigation into the incident found the aircrew "accurately assessed that the criteria to find and terminate the threat to friendly forces were met in accordance with the law of armed conflict and rules of engagement." Now some 22-year-old from Potomac, Maryland, will be the fall guy, not for mass murder, but for "allegedly" transferring classified data to his computer and adding unauthorized software to a classified computer. How dare someone in the military leak footage to the media of our military slaughtering our media?

Next Up: A Hilarious Middle East Skit

Even as it continues to build new settlements, Israel has announced new categories for what construction materials it will restrict into Gaza (which the world lauded for some reason) including "materials that could be used for bombs" like fertilizers, ball bearings, knives, machetes and night vision goggles (because all carpenters need night vision). To further underscore their "special relationship," President Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu will meet this week, and here's how their talk will go:

Netanyahu: "I miss Cheney, and that guy with the funny face."

Obama: "I'm sure you do. Oh, attacking that humanitarian flotilla last month, not cool."

Netanyahu: "Sorry about that. We didn't know there were cameras... "

Obama: "Anyway, need more weapons?"

Netanyahu: "Sure."

Forever bridesmaids, Palestinians everywhere were about to receive sympathy and maybe a small slice of freedom, and then Abu Daoud dies. Who's Abu, you may ask? Former politician and commander of the Fatah and Palestinian Liberation Organization, Abu Daoud was also the mastermind behind the massacre of 11 Israeli athletes during the 1972 Munich Olympics. Hmmm, how to respond? In usual stupid fashion, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas offered condolences to Daoud's family, with news services quoting: "He is missed. He was one of the leading figures of Fatah and spent his life in resistance and sincere work as well as physical sacrifice for his people's just causes."

Speaking of Sacrifice

Calling all 64 killed and 10 arrested "terrorists," Afghan counter-narcotics police and international security forces (i.e. Americans) celebrated the 36,687 pounds of narcotics found and burned after a three-day operation in the Helmand province. However bloody and successful, with 14 civilians held by insurgents/terrorists freed, the operation still did not kill or arrest Helmand's biggest narcotics kingpin, Mahmood Karzai, brother of Afghan President Hamid Karzai, known to be on the CIA's payroll while also the overlord of opium (i.e. narcotics) in Afghanistan, a country known as the biggest supplier of opium worldwide, now also known as the site of America's longest war.

Other Insurgencies

Mormon first, Republican misogynist second, Utah Senator and American citizen tied for third, Orrin Hatch says he will oppose Elena Kagan's nomination to the Supreme Court. Saying she is a "good person" and "brilliant scholar," Hatch's only excuse for not supporting Kagan is her lack of a penis. Seriously. Hatch opposed Sonya Sotomayor's nomination, too, but sure did love the male brownshirts put on the bench by Bush. "The law must control the judge; the judge must not control the law. I have concluded that, based on evidence rather than blind faith, General Kagan regrettably does not meet this standard and that, therefore, I cannot support her appointment," said Hatch before leaving the podium to go dig for those golden tablets that Joseph Smith said are right over there.

Ancient Edits

Call it a Freudian Founding Father Slip: New scans of the Declaration of Independence show that Thomas Jefferson wrote the word "subjects" initially, then erased it and replaced with "citizens." I feel better now, don't you? Even more comforting is a bunch of elite, slave-owners writing about freedom and inalienable rights, then the author going home to nail his favorite piece of property. Even older and maybe more ironical are the findings by Gunnar Samuelsson, a theologian and author of a thesis showing the Gospels do not say Jesus was crucified at all. Spending three years reading 12 hours a day, studying the oldest texts in the original Hebrew, Latin and Greek, Samuelsson found no mention of the word "crucify" - only that "He was handed over to be 'stauroun.'" Either way, some guy named Jesus died a terrible death; as for that whole immaculate conception and ascension, well, good luck (dis)proving any of that.

Exhuming Paris

Jinky Young (a person) won her request to have chess legend Bobby Fischer's body exhumed in Iceland to obtain DNA samples. Jinky claims to be Bobby's daughter, even as chess enthusiasts worldwide claim that Fischer didn't go totally insane after beating Boris Spassky in 1972. Fischer died in Iceland at age 64 in 2008, though he looked like Howard Hughes in 1976. In related idol news: Paris Hilton was arrested for marijuana possession while attending the World Cup, but of course a friend took the fall, with Jennifer Rovero pleading guilty and Paris going free to live her awesome life without any consequences whatsoever.

Other World Champion News

Former hot dog eating champion Takeru Kobayashi was arrested at Coney Island for trying to approach current champion Joey Chestnut. Kobayashi refused to participate in the eat-off due to a contract dispute with Major League Eating (seriously, these guys have contracts and a "league"). Chestnut fell far short of his record 68 dogs and buns this year but still won, while Kobayashi only wanted to prove that "he was better than other competitors." Finally, a World Cup trophy packed with several team jerseys and headed to Madrid, Spain, was confiscated at the Bogota, Columbia, airport; its gold paint in "bad condition" and raising suspicion, forensic testing showed that the 14-inch trophy was actually made of 24 pounds of cocaine. All World Cup teams held a moment of silence for the loss, especially America because, hey, we like to party.


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