Suddenly Proud to Pay Taxes
Three pirates felled in high seas, three bullets fired at night; Navy sniper smiles. Vowing "to halt the rise of piracy," President Obama gave the command for a nighttime intervention early Sunday, when it appeared that Captain Richard Phillips' life had come into jeopardy. After four days and most of a night as hostage of Somalia pirates, Phillips was freed safely, with his wife Andrea offering, "You have no idea, but with Richard saved, you all just gave me the best Easter ever." Next up, a most Memorial Day for all Americans, when Obama unleashes pilot-less-heartless drones on their kin: Oil execs and futures traders - Gas prices have risen by 10% in the past two weeks, and Exxon Mobil's CEO made $23.9 million last year when, of course, there was no price-fixing whatsoever.
Speaking of Rises...
Oregon's unemployment rate hit 12.1% last month - The highest rate since the early '80s, when the Bureau of Discomforting Statistics was started. We can't blame timber or Meth anymore, folks, this is getting serious. Tomorrow morning all unemployed carpenters should rise early, grab their belts and get to work. On a fence or bookshelf (for all the economic tomes that are now moot), let's get to work. The Westside Tavern can wait 'til 4:20; we simply can't have so many idle Oregonians. Related Discomforting Statitics: There has been a 30% rise in domestic abuse and molestation since this recession started (under Dubya, remember) as well as record-high births from unwed mothers (thanks "abstinence" programs).
While the American media was busy questioning whether Obama "bowed" to the Saudi King, and speculated on "the broken promise?" of the First Family's selection of Bo as the First Dog ("Was he rescued or not? More news at 11...") bloodied and totally pissed Thai citizens demanded the resignation of their government. Saying how these pesky anti-government protests are "driving off tourists and investors," Thailand's Finance Minister Korn Chatikavanij hurled duffle-bags of cash, underage prostitutes, and a giant gold Buddha into a waiting helicopter then departed, for either Brazil or Miami.
About Those Saudis, And Miami
Woody Beating off Zombies, and Miley
Reassuring Signs of A Great Comfort Coming
Mel Gibson's wife filed for divorce. Billy Bob Thornton's band (which will remain nameless, despite releasing three albums in the past year with Slingblade on the drums) ended its tour early, citing "flu" as the reason. "Wall of Sound" visionary, Motown God and concealed hang-gun enthusiast Phil Spector was found guilty of second-degree murder on Tuesday, by an LA jury that deliberated for over two weeks - Lana Carson was her name, Lana Carson: the mother who Spector murdered with a single shot to the head in his LA mansion, five other women testified that Spector (soon to be known as Bitch #32363 - facing 18 years to life) had also threatened them with a gun since the 1970s. And, on a personal note: I was able to cease Facebook from tracking every web site I enter or leave by deleting cookies; simple sh*t, I know, but, why must a 'social networking' site (aka NSA Program) track me after I've already revealed all of my moods, somewhat- and sometime-friends, pictures, and other inane minutiae?Polar Bear Attack!
Let's be clear everybody loves polar bears. They're the de facto face of global warming victims. They're cuddly, cute and curious, but only a child or naive nature worshiper would ever think that translates into, "I should try to cuddle with it." But that's exactly what an unidentified woman at a Berlin zoo did this past week when she scaled a fence and then did a swan dive right into the zoo's polar bear exhibit. You can guess what happened next... The bears - which, in terms of size and strength, are basically Kodiak grizzlies in a bunny suit - bit the interloper when she approached them. The woman, who was eventually fished out of the enclosure, suffered severe injuries (go figure) and video of the escapade widely circulated in the next few days. What we can't figure out is how this qualified as a "bear attack" as most news outlets have billed it. Hey we know it sells, but
WTF!? It's not like Nature Girl got pulled out of her sleeping bag in the middle of the night. She basically rolled in seal oil and jumped in the shark tank. That's not an act of nature, that's just natural selection.