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Davey Jones Locker: Piracy goes all literal, discomforting stats and more, more, more! 

Editor's note: The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from your rear

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Editor's note: The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from your rear window, hoping to hit Dismal Gulch by dawn, on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

Suddenly Proud to Pay Taxes

Three pirates felled in high seas, three bullets fired at night; Navy sniper smiles. Vowing "to halt the rise of piracy," President Obama gave the command for a nighttime intervention early Sunday, when it appeared that Captain Richard Phillips' life had come into jeopardy. After four days and most of a night as hostage of Somalia pirates, Phillips was freed safely, with his wife Andrea offering, "You have no idea, but with Richard saved, you all just gave me the best Easter ever." Next up, a most Memorial Day for all Americans, when Obama unleashes pilot-less-heartless drones on their kin: Oil execs and futures traders - Gas prices have risen by 10% in the past two weeks, and Exxon Mobil's CEO made $23.9 million last year when, of course, there was no price-fixing whatsoever.

Speaking of Rises...

Oregon's unemployment rate hit 12.1% last month - The highest rate since the early '80s, when the Bureau of Discomforting Statistics was started. We can't blame timber or Meth anymore, folks, this is getting serious. Tomorrow morning all unemployed carpenters should rise early, grab their belts and get to work. On a fence or bookshelf (for all the economic tomes that are now moot), let's get to work. The Westside Tavern can wait 'til 4:20; we simply can't have so many idle Oregonians. Related Discomforting Statitics: There has been a 30% rise in domestic abuse and molestation since this recession started (under Dubya, remember) as well as record-high births from unwed mothers (thanks "abstinence" programs).

Thai Takeout

While the American media was busy questioning whether Obama "bowed" to the Saudi King, and speculated on "the broken promise?" of the First Family's selection of Bo as the First Dog ("Was he rescued or not? More news at 11...") bloodied and totally pissed Thai citizens demanded the resignation of their government. Saying how these pesky anti-government protests are "driving off tourists and investors," Thailand's Finance Minister Korn Chatikavanij hurled duffle-bags of cash, underage prostitutes, and a giant gold Buddha into a waiting helicopter then departed, for either Brazil or Miami.

About Those Saudis, And Miami

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A Saudi Arabian judge upheld his own decision (surprise!) declaring that the 8-year old girl given to a 47 year-old man (to settle her father's debts) must remain married to her new sugar daddy. One sign of hope for our supremely repressed ally: The judge added that the girl can challenge the marriage once she reaches puberty. Across the globe, the myth of climate change is gaining acceptance, as President Obama announced that over four decades of chilly relations with Cuba will soon end. Expatriates in Miami are almost as pissed as Thais, their collective recollections of home as dim as conservatives' of the real Reagan, but Obama is now allowing relatives to visit casa del Castro more than once a year, and ship unlimited American dollars there. Coincidentally, the Fed announced the day prior that it had run out of storage space for all of the valueless American currency it has been printing lately.

Woody Beating off Zombies, and Miley

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Cheers! Beloved stoner and forthcoming "Zombieland" star Woody Harrelson clashed with paparazzo at NYC's La Guardia airport recently, and his explanation will test any jury: "I wrapped a movie called Zombieland, in which I was constantly under assault by zombies, then flew to New York, still very much in character. With my daughter at the airport I was startled by a paparazzo, who I quite understandably mistook for a zombie." In other feuds among the formerly famous, Jamie Foxx offered essential advice to "white bitch" (Foxx's almost-off-mic words) Miley Cyrus. On his radio show "The Foxxhole," this Oscar-winning triple-threat (acting, dancing, and offending) told Cyrus to get a gum transplant and to "make a sex tape and grow up... Get like Britney Spears and do some heroin... get some crack in your pipe... Catch Chlamydia on a bicycle seat."

Reassuring Signs of A Great Comfort Coming

Mel Gibson's wife filed for divorce. Billy Bob Thornton's band (which will remain nameless, despite releasing three albums in the past year with Slingblade on the drums) ended its tour early, citing "flu" as the reason. "Wall of Sound" visionary, Motown God and concealed hang-gun enthusiast Phil Spector was found guilty of second-degree murder on Tuesday, by an LA jury that deliberated for over two weeks - Lana Carson was her name, Lana Carson: the mother who Spector murdered with a single shot to the head in his LA mansion, five other women testified that Spector (soon to be known as Bitch #32363 - facing 18 years to life) had also threatened them with a gun since the 1970s. And, on a personal note: I was able to cease Facebook from tracking every web site I enter or leave by deleting cookies; simple sh*t, I know, but, why must a 'social networking' site (aka NSA Program) track me after I've already revealed all of my moods, somewhat- and sometime-friends, pictures, and other inane minutiae?

Polar Bear Attack!

Let's be clear everybody loves polar bears. They're the de facto face of global warming victims. They're cuddly, cute and curious, but only a child or naive nature worshiper would ever think that translates into, "I should try to cuddle with it." But that's exactly what an unidentified woman at a Berlin zoo did this past week when she scaled a fence and then did a swan dive right into the zoo's polar bear exhibit. You can guess what happened next... The bears - which, in terms of size and strength, are basically Kodiak grizzlies in a bunny suit - bit the interloper when she approached them. The woman, who was eventually fished out of the enclosure, suffered severe injuries (go figure) and video of the escapade widely circulated in the next few days. What we can't figure out is how this qualified as a "bear attack" as most news outlets have billed it. Hey we know it sells, but

WTF!? It's not like Nature Girl got pulled out of her sleeping bag in the middle of the night. She basically rolled in seal oil and jumped in the shark tank. That's not an act of nature, that's just natural selection.


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