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Duck Or Goose? 

Dear Bend,

Hello, we are the ducks of your town. We understand there is a fresh call for our genocide and we'd like to address that.

First of all, though, we do have to agree with one point made by our would-be executioners. PLEASE DO NOT FEED US BREAD.

Now, there are others of you humans that would feed us poison, or would pour oil on our eggs, or would just shoot us all and not even so much as give our carcasses to the poor for Christmas dinner. And why? Because we aren't toilet trained and we poo on the grass and sidewalks. But so what? Are you humans such a wittle itty bitty pookie wookie bunch of cwy baby wabbies that you can't handle occasionally scraping our poo off your shoe? It barely even sticks. And it's made of grass and water and bugs! Not like your toxic, hormone-and-high-fructose-corn-syrup-riddled human poo!

What are these heavenly, problem-free lives you humans lead that to step on a little duck poo brings about a duck genocide? And where do you get off getting all hopped up over a football team named after us, and then turning around and having a duck massacre? You treat us like a plague of locusts on the one hand, but then when you need a picture to stick on your brochures advertising the beautiful city of Bend, you're more than happy to feature us scooting around in the river. You're more than happy to have tourists patronizing your town and taking our picture, to have a big charity race every year featuring rubber facsimiles of us, and you're more than happy to stand on the bridge and watch us and think, 'Ahhhhh what a wonderful world'. But you're also more than happy to slaughter us because there's poo on your shoe?

Maybe you can wipe us out. Then you can wield your misguided anger against the deer, and then maybe the squirrels, and then the quails, and then the doves, and then maybe at some point you can have yourselves a wildlife-free town. Won't that be nice for you outdoorsy descendents of pioneers and timber folk?

Or maybe you can leave us alone. It's not like the park is the domain of a million-duck thronging horde of unstoppable duck evil. And if you do have to thin us out in case of an actual reason of health or human safety, at least find a way you can feed the poor with our carcasses.

Sincerely,

The Ducks (actual)

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