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Earthquakes, Outbreaks and Fly Overs: The Flu Pandemic, NFL Draft, Specter vs. Spector, and more! 

Suck on this, swine!The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting far from

click to enlarge Suck on this, swine!
  • Suck on this, swine!
Suck on this, swine!

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting far from you, civilization, and other swine, hoarding water and Ramen Noodles, hoping Brad Pitt arrives soon (with Angelina) so they may build the prettier, more humanitarian yet sexy society we all deserve, on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

Empty Soccer Stadiums, Facemasks, 12 Monkeys...

Pity the pigs, forever linked to the contagious flu that utterly destroyed mankind in late April 2009. Better yet, blame the Mexicans, who we've been scapegoating so well and so long for taking the jobs we suddenly want and ingesting our pollution. Our finest export since Agent Orange, Corporate Agra has really pulled a doozy this time (note: Monsanto did not approve this column) as the death toll is climbing into the hundreds (though 3,000 die each day from Malaria); Mexico City resembles the set of 28 Days Later, schools are closed till early May, and New York is now an incubator for the rage virus. Adding insult to injury, a major earthquake struck near Acapulco on Monday, then a look-alike of Air Force One buzzed New York Harbor (see below). On a conspiracy-related note: How convenient is it that an exotic and rapidly mutating virus is said to be spreading, just as GM announces it will close factories for over a month and kill Pontiac, Pakistan is about to fall to the Taliban (nukes included), the Jets draft another dud while my Bills took two solid Oregonians, and Ashton Kutcher keeps getting in the news for Twittering? Ask yourself, are these mere coincidences or divine intervention?

Once More: Why Do We Pay For This?

Our "best and bravest" proved once more why they deserve a huge chunk of our national budget. At 10am on Monday, "Air Force One" (its look-alike at least) flew low over New York City and New Jersey with two F-16 fighters, scaring the accent out of New Yorkers still suffering PTSD from 9-11 and the Bush Admin. "First thing is, I'm annoyed - furious is a better word - that I wasn't told." steamed Mayor Michael Bloomberg during an unrelated press conference concerning Swine Flu outbreaks in his city. Eat some bacon and shush up, the widespread panic and flood of emergency calls were totally unfounded --- The Defense Department was merely doing a photo op of Air Force One over New York Harbor (all too reminiscent of the GOP playing Asian tourists at Ground Zero) with F.A.A. spokesman Jim Peters explaining that "The photo op was approved and coordinated with everyone." Except 8.5 million New Yawkers and its Mayor. Oh, and the White House, which was dumbfounded upon hearing that Obama's look-alike will soon be flying over New Orleans and waving to those below, as Navy cruisers create giant waves along the 9th Ward levies. Relax, really, what do you have to fear, a few planes in the early am? We're here to protect you from all the fear and enemies we create...

Hypocrisy, Bush-Harman-Gonzales Style

"Maybe I'm even wiretapped now," Jane Harman is overheard saying, via the wiretap put on her by the Bush Administration. This is simply awesomeness at its most awesome: Harman is a Democrat from California deeply involved in intelligence issues throughout her career, who cares so deeply about privacy rights that she fully endorsed President Bush's expansion of domestic wiretapping and spying. Until she was wiretapped, herself, promising the American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) that she would lobby the administration to drop espionage-related charges against two former AIPAC officials. Put simply: An elected official is on tape probably committing treason with a foreign lobbying entity, using her position to get espionage charges dropped. The honorable Congresswoman's response: To issue a belligerent denial and demand that all of the transcripts of her wiretap be declassified. Of greater interest is the reality that then-Attorney General Alberto "Don't Call Me Speedy, Or Criminal" Gonzales halted any investigation into Harman's dubious deal with Israeli insiders because he thought Harman's support would be needed to defend the Bush Admin's wiretapping and spying on Americans.

Oh The Specter!

click to enlarge Let me be Frank with you.
  • Let me be Frank with you.
Let me be Frank with you.Following his brother Phil being found guilty of murdering Lana Carson for touching his 'Wall of Sound,' Senator Arlen Specter (actually no relation to Phil Spector) has dumped the GOP in favor of becoming a Democrat. Assuming that Al Franken (that guy who used to be on "Saturday Night Live" - remember the one who wasn't really funny but kind of smart) wins his unending runoff in Minnesota, Democrats will have a filibuster-proof majority, giving them the power to approve every pro-Socialist, -minority, -gay, -environment, -Satan measure that they wish. Specter's flip wasn't unexpected; the GOP was already readying a racism homophobe to run against the five-term Senator from Pennsylvania who served on the Warren Commission and came up with the "magic bullet" theory for how Oswald managed to kill Kennedy then wound every single person in Dallas in 1963 with a single shot.

Other Important News

Former VP Dick Cheney is still alive and free. Guy Ritchie still manages to find Hollywood producers to greenlight his b*llshit movies. Fox became the only network to refuse to air President Obama's speech marking his first 100 days, in favor of airing "Lie to Me." Another white girl disappeared over Spring Break - prepare for unending coverage and unsubstantiated slanders of locals.

WTF?! NOAA's Fish Flop

We'll forgive you if you're not familiar with agency's cumbersome acronym, but suffice it to say it's responsible for deciding which fish get placed on the Endangered and Threatened Species Lists. In Oregon, it's a sort of who's who of salmonids - various runs of steelhead, Chinook, and coho. But the most interesting case has been the Coastal Coho, aka silver salmon, who've been on and off more than a Pitt-Jolie marriage. Two years ago, the Bush administration decided to pull the coho from the list, citing successful recovery efforts - despite the fact that the population remained a fraction of its historic levels. The move got a smackdown from a federal judge. NOAA in turn decided to offer a less protective "threatened" listing last year. Now NOAA is back saying it needs to do another review of the fish's status because it felt "pressured" by the judge to protect coho. No shit, what is this 3rd Grade? You've got piles of science, two successful lawsuits and a federal judge telling you that you need to do your job. What else do you need? WTF!?


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