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Hillbilly Heaven 

My friends, prepare for a shock: This week I have been discriminated against - not once, but TWICE.

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My friends, prepare for a shock: This week I have been discriminated against - not once, but TWICE. Now, I'm no stranger to discrimination: as you can imagine, it's not exactly easy for a white man with an absolutely luscious honey-baked ham to avoid acts of discriminatory jealousy. Nevertheless! It's the way I'm being currently discriminated against that's so infuriating. For example...

Discriminatory practice against Humpy #1: According to a scientific study conducted by University College London Medical School, women tend to get drunker than men - even when they drink the same amount of alcohol! The researchers found that because girls have less body water than guys (55% compared to men's 65%), their blood alcohol level is a third higher! That means a 143 lb. man would have the same blood alcohol level after drinking three Long Island Ice Teas, as a 143 lb. woman would after guzzling only TWO! And that, my fine, feathered friend, is BULL... PLOP!!

What's so bull-ploppy? Just this: For years I've been buying women the same number of drinks as myself - erroneously thinking they'd wind up just as drunk as me. In actuality, they were getting a whopping THIRD more drunker! So the way I see it? I've been throwing my money away for years, and in restitution, the women of the world owe me somewhere in the neighborhood of 3,783,292 cocktails! (Or conversely, men should only have to pay two-thirds for the same drink that women are paying three-thirds for. DON'T BLAME ME, LADIES. Blame your sub-par water weight!)

Discriminatory practice against Humpy #2: Suddenly I'm no longer allowed to laugh at hillbillies! Apparently, and without my knowledge, "hillbillies" have become some sort of protected class, and if I ridicule them? I'll become an object of scorn and derision from those of a higher moral caliber. This is not only discriminatory behavior, but totally infringes on my personal beliefs (for example, I believe that hillbillies are stupid, and make love to pigs).

Moral absolutists claim that ridiculing hillbillies is a form of classism - an argument I strongly pooh-pooh. I don't think it's funny that hillbillies have less money than me - however, it is hilarious when a toothless hillbilly gets drunk and drives his riding lawn mower to the liquor store.

Happily, I'm not alone in my love for ridiculing the hillbilly. This Thursday (April 21, at 9 pm) on TruTV is the season finale of their show entitled World's Dumbest... , this week featuring the "World's Dumbest Hillbillies"! Howl with cruel glee as washed up celebs like Daniel Baldwin, Todd Bridges, and Tonya Harding (as well as legitimately funny comedians) make light of internet videos featuring hillbillies in full foible mode. SEE! Shirtless hillbillies making amorous advances towards greased pigs! SEE! Hillbillies washing their hands in urinals! SEE! Hillbillies hitting each other in the testicles - for fun! SEE! Hillbillies being chased by angry alligators! SEE! Drunk, toothless hillbillies hilariously insisting that President Obama is a Muslim terrorist! AND SO MUCH MORE!

Discrimination is just plain WRONG, people. Every living creature in this world deserves an equal amount of respect - that is unless they're screwing a cousin behind the outhouse, or owe me 3 million drinks. (MY LIVER IS WAITING, LADIES!!)

I will accept drink certificates.

steve@portlandmercury.com

thursday 21

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE In honor of his departure, Michael hosts the very last installment of the Dundies. SOB!

10:00 NBC 30 ROCK 30 Rock celebrates their 100th episode by (what?!??) canceling TGS?!?

friday 22

9:00 HBO TALKING FUNNY Debut! Discussing the craft of comedy with Louis C.K., Ricky Gervais, Chris Rock, and... Jerry Seinfeld? Who invited that jerk??

saturday 23

7:00 ABC THE TEN COMMANDMENTS - Movie (1954) Charlton Heston and a bunch of other biblical characters learn to adjust to God's new bullshit laws.

9:00 BBCA DOCTOR WHO Season premiere! The Doctor uses his time machine to visit the president in 1969 - because apparently nerds have nothing better to do.

sunday 24

9:00 HBO GAME OF THRONES Blah, blah, blah medieval kingdoms, blah, blah, blah fantasy, blah, blah, blah, sorcery. OH! And blah, blah, blah.

10:00 HBO TREME Season premiere! It's 14 months after Hurricane Katrina, and surprise! Things still aren't so great.

monday 25

9:00 OXY THE BAD GIRLS CLUB Season finale! The girls will get a glamorous photo shoot - if they can resist ripping out each other's extensions.

10:00 LOGO RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE Season finale! Mirror, mirror on the wall, let's find out who's the most delicious drag queen of them all!

tuesday 26

8:00 FOX GLEE This week the Gleetards ruin the music of Lady Gaga. Seriously! THEY MUST BE STOPPED!!

9:00 NBC THE VOICE Debut! Another Idol-style singing competition judged by Cee-Lo, Adam Levine, and Christina "the new Paula Abdul" Aguilera.

wednesday 27

8:00 NBC INSIDE THE ROYAL WEDDING A behind-the-scenes peek at Prince "I'm boring" William's upcoming wedding to Kate "Bridezilla" Middleton.

8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL It's down to six contestants, which means you should watch this episode - just to feel okay about ignoring all the rest.

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