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Hot In Buffalo: Barack in the Rust Belt, Petroleum lube, Polanski's chalet and Dio dies 

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from the Appalachian Trail, lacking wifi but well-rested to witness New Orleans' and BP's big "Oops!" on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

Buffalo Cougars
Hunting Obama

During a visit to economically depressed Buffalo last week, President Obama was assaulted by 45 year-old local Luann Haley who called our Commander in Chief "a hottie with a smokin' little body." Unfazed, Obama ordered a dozen wings from Duffs (Or Bust, with many Buffalo connections, praises the president for choosing Duffs over the original, yet lackluster, wing creator, Anchor Bar) then told Buffalonians that even he has no solutions for the crap weather there, or decades of Rust Belt poverty, insufferable yet ever-reelected politicians, and sports franchises that come close, but are forever bridesmaids.

BP Keeps Lying

After its Trojan condom then "Top Hat" contraptions both failed, BP is now inserting a tube into the well's rise to pump oil back to the surface. "In terms of containing the flow, this was a positive step forward," said Kent Wells, a senior vice president for BP. Thanks, Kent. Yet another stopgap measure sure to fail, BP is now benefiting from escalating prices at the pump, inspiring Exxon-Mobil to consider another tanker crash/catastrophe to aid corporate profits while murdering Mother Earth. Seriously, folks, when Toyota got beat-down for haunted Prius hybrids, the government demanded action and the automaker ceased production; instead, BP has been pulling tricks out of its butt, which surely undermines confidence in essential offshore drilling. In related news of oil industry indignities: Transocean, the fine conglomerate that leased the oil rig that caught fire and collapsed, killing 11, is trying to cap damages at $27 million for the melee in a Houston court- - all while distributing $1 billion in dividends to shareholders and pursuing a half-billion dollar insurance policy.

They Must Be Stoned!

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Speaking of those hopped-up on goofballs: A man growing marijuana in his home died of asphyxiation when his lamps raised the temperature of his Brooklyn apartment to above 100 degrees; not found for three days, we will withhold this stoner's name because his weed must have been weak if nobody came by to say "High!" Other idiotic news originally covered here in February: The Rhode Island school board that fired 93 teachers due to "low student performance" has reached a tentative agreement to rehire the teachers. Student performance may still be low, but at least the teachers' union is happy.

You Richard!

That universal sigh of disgust you heard early Tuesday was news hitting that Connecticut Democratic Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, who is trying to assume Christopher Dodd's Senate seat, continually lied about serving in the Vietnam War. "Although I did not serve in Vietnam, I have seen firsthand the effects of military action, and no one wants it to be the first resort, nor do we want to mortgage the country's future with a deficit that is ballooning out of control," sorta-kinda, apologized Blumenthal upon being outed. Senator Dodd's financial ties to the industry have made him a rather dubious choice to "reform" Wall Street, but Blumenthal is a giant stinking pile of poop. Checkmate: GOP.

Sexy News

Oscar winning director and rapist (that never gets old) Roman Polanski is facing new accusations during his inhumane house arrest in a Swiss chalet, awaiting extradition to face charges for admittedly raping a 13 year-old girl in the 1970s. Another teen at the time and British actress Charlotte Lewis says that Polanski "abused me in the worst possible way when I was just 16 years old." Sure not to help Polanski's case is fellow director and pedophile Woody Allen coming to his defense, saying, "He has suffered, he has not been allowed to go to the United States. He was embarrassed by the whole thing." Thanks Woody, I feel better now, don't you?

Finally, more proof of how much cooler and sexier the Episcopal Church is versus the Catholic and its "involuntary" Nazi Youth Pope Benedict arrived this week when the first openly lesbian bishop was consecrated in Los Angeles. Reverend Mary Glasspool is the daughter of a priest (yep) and said her sexual orientation is "not an issue." Bishop Jon Bruno described the new bishop as "not afraid of conflict and is a reconciler." In response, Pope Benedict decreed that Catholics must like lesbians, too, though only in video form and not if either woman has another form of control or actual enjoyment.

Finally, on Lebron James and Ronnie James.

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After bowing-out yet again on the road to yet another non-NBA championship, Cleveland Cavaliers star and supposedly the greatest basketball player ever (Uh, hello? MJ? Oscar Robinson?) Lebron James is now taking offers. New York? LA? Personally, I don't care. Donate the hundreds of millions to underwrite a resurgence in ping pong. Better yet, play a real sport, like thumb-wrestling. Ready Lebron? Touch, bow, begin!

Speaking of early exits, Upfront will be pouring out a little this week for Ronnie James Dio, who died this week after a yearlong battle with stomach cancer. Dio, born most un-rockingly as Ronnie Padavona, pioneered the heavy metal "devil horns" (pinkie and pointer finger extended over a closed fist) now ubiquitous at all metal shows, as the lead singer of Rainbow, Black Sabbath and Dio among others. RJD's grinding falsetto, and chrome-domed swagger defined late 70s and early 80s hair metal, despite his own follicle challenges. See you on the other side RJD. In the meantime, remember, don't talk to strangers.

Department of Corrections

Last week's Boot about Bend's exclusionary ordinance, which prohibits people convicted of some crimes, including misdemeanors, from visiting Bend parks, incorrectly characterized the city's proposal. The city is considering adding a tobacco ban to the area around Mirror Pond plaza and modifying the exclusionary ordinance to include some alcohol offenses while adding an appeal process.


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