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If You're Reading This Poop You Didn't Get Raptured 

Scoop Lewis covers all the weeks past news including Arnold Schwarzenegger's love child, The Rapture and more.

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May 16

The Impregnator and the Rapinator: Former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger reveals he fathered a love child 10 years ago; estranged wife Maria Shriver pleads for "compassion" for herself and children ... Ex-International Monetary Fund chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn, accused of raping hotel chambermaid, is picked out of police lineup by alleged victim, undergoes tests for DNA evidence ... One out, one in: Donald Trump announces he's bowing out of the presidential race, says he would have won, but "business is my greatest passion, and I am not ready to leave the private sector" ... Meanwhile Mitt Romney, at fundraiser in Las Vegas, says he's "activating" his campaign, although he hasn't formally announced yet ... Bringing up the rear: Intense interest in Pippa Middleton's ass sparks rise in plastic surgery in Britain as women seek to emulate her "curvy but not too peachy" contours.

Tuesday, May 17

Pimpin' it at Tiffany's: Financial disclosure statements by wife of GOP presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich show he owed Tiffany & Co. as much as $500,000 in 2005 and 2006, and that's a lotta bling ... In a possibly related development, demonstrators dump box of glittery confetti on Gingrich's head at book-signing event in Minneapolis ... How's that again? Potential GOP presidential hopeful Rick Santorum, on right-wing talk show, says Arizona Sen. John McCain, who spent years being tortured in North Vietnamese prison, "doesn't understand" torture ... Clawing our way back: Oregon unemployment falls in April to 9.6%, first time since December 2008 it's been in single digits ... Keep 'em circling: Bend voters, by 55% to 45%, approve $30 million bond issue for road improvements including at least three more roundabouts.

Wednesday, May 18

Finally getting around to it: US announces it will impose sanctions on Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, who's gunned down about 700 protesters over the past few weeks ... In other dick-tator action, Libya's Muammar Qaddafi releases four American journalists held since April 5 ... Milking it for all it's worth: President Obama's re-election campaign raising money selling T-shirts and coffee mugs imprinted with copy of his "long-form" birth certificate ... Nuke jitters: New York Times reports American nuclear reactors have same kind of vents that failed disastrously at Japan's Fukushima plant ... Move over, Oprah: Forbes magazine puts Lady Gaga at top of its 100 Most Powerful Celebrities list; Oprah Winfrey drops to 2nd, Justin Bieber is 3rd.

Thursday, May 19

The Impregnator and the Rapinator II: Arnold Schwarzenegger says he's told his agency to put his movie projects on hold until he straightens out his home life, which could take a while ... Judge allows accused rapist Dominique Strauss-Kahn to post $1 million bail, but he'll be under armed guard and have to wear ankle bracelet ... Touchy subject: President Obama gives speech on Middle East, says Israel needs to go back to pre-1967 war borders; Israel doesn't like it ... Deserting the ship? Wife and daughter of Muammar Qaddafi flee Libya; Qaddafi's oldest son, Muhammed Muammar, reported to have left for Tunisia for "medical treatment" ... Welcome to Perma-War: Congress, apparently unimpressed by demise of Osama bin Laden, will extend Patriot Act four more years ... Tech bubble, anyone? Price of LinkedIn shares more than double in first day of trading, closing at $94.25.

Friday, May 20

You sure it isn't heartburn? Sarah Palin, on Faux News, says she has "the fire in my belly" to run for president, but still isn't sure if she will ... The Impregnator and the Rapinator III: "The Governator," Arnold Schwarzenegger's planned animated TV series, put on indefinite hold ... Dominique Strauss-Kahn released from NYC's Rikers Island prison on $1 million bail ... Bloody spring in Syria: President Bashar al-Assad's police gun down at least two dozen more protesters ... Goodbye to print? Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announces sales of e-books have surpassed sales of printed books by 5% ... Milestone for tolerance: Gallup poll finds majority (53%) of Americans now think gay marriages should have same legal recognition as straight ones.

Saturday, May 21

Rapture ruptured: The Rapture promised by self-proclaimed prophet Harold Camping fails to happen. However, a volcano does erupt in Iceland ... The spring of discontent: 25,000 demonstrators march in Madrid to protest government austerity policies ... Meanwhile, Syrian police kill at least 44 more protesters in Damascus and other cities ... Enter the Hermanator: Herman Cain, founder of Godfathers pizza chain and Tea Party darling, announces presidential candidacy, promises "bottoms-up, outside-the-box" campaign. "Bottoms-up"??? ... They're taking over: Cougar seen feeding on deer in Lithia Park in heart of Ashland ... May madness: Under drizzly skies in Bend, thousands ski, bike, paddle and run in bizarre masochistic spring rite ... Talk Like Yoda Day it is, so write like Yoda this reporter will. But only one sentence.

Sunday, May 22

Premature annunciation? Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty, who said he was going to announce his presidential candidacy Monday, announces it Sunday on YouTube ... Moment of candor? New York magazine quotes source saying Roger Ailes, czar of Faux News, thinks Sarah Palin is "an idiot." Good to know I'm not alone ... Not getting the message? President Obama repeats call for Palestinian state; Israel still doesn't like it ... White-bagging it: CBS's "60 Minutes" reports that Tyler Hamilton, teammate of Lance Armstrong on US Postal Service cycling team, said Armstrong encouraged and participated in doping; drugs allegedly slipped to team members in white paper lunch bags.


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