I'll have you know I am in peak physical condition.* I can run nearly three-quarters of a mile, do roughly 12 push-ups (MILITARY STYLE), and as for pull-ups - well, I'm not so great at pull-ups. But unless you're dangling from a bridge, there's no need for pull-ups. In fact, when naked, I closely resemble Michelangelo's David (with a bigger wang, of course). So it's really surprising you'd think I'm a tub of lard. IT'S BECAUSE OF THE TV THING, ISN'T IT?? You think all I do all day is sit around on my honey-baked ham, watch television, and cram my piehole with Ding Dongs.
WELL, YOU'RE WRONG!! While I may consume a lot of TV, most of what I watch involves VERY strenuous physical activity. For example: Glee! Not only do I dance and sing along with the kids, I also furiously masturbate during the commercials. (The trick is to stretch out first.) Example 2: Dancing with the Stars. No, I'm not doing any actual "dancing." However, I do work up quite a sweat while viciously kicking my television. (Between this show and American Idol, I'm going through four TV sets a week! Which means a lot of walking to Best Buy and lifting new TVs off the shelf. Dude, I'm buff.)
And there's a brand-new show debuting this week that promises to make me even more physically fit (if that's possible). It's called Ultimate Parkour Challenge (MTV, debuts Thurs May 6, 10:30 pm) in which six parkour champions challenge themselves to increasingly difficult tests of skill. Parkour involves a lot of hopping, sprinting, flipping, and climbing - turning ordinary buildings, stairways and rooftops into extreme obstacle courses.
And you can bet I'll be watching and doing a little parkour of my own. First I'll do a backflip off the couch, followed by somersaults through the living room and landing on the kitchen table. Then a corkscrew dive over the dishwasher , which will take me to the refrigerator where I will devour three Totino's frozen pizzas, a bottle of hooch, and seven Ding Dongs. And oh yes! I WILL be nude!
*When compared to most of the inhabitants of Mississippi.
Picturing you nude. firstname.lastname@example.org
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE When Michael decides his girlfriend is cheating on him, he unwisely sends Dwight to snoop on her.
10:30 MTV ULTIMATE PARKOUR CHALLENGE Debut! The parkour champs take on the Queen Mary. (The ship... not the queen.)
8:00 NBC FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS Season premiere! The show everyone - except for me - loves is returning for another inexplicably popular season.
9:00 SYFY MONGOLIAN DEATH WORM - Movie (2010) Treasure hunters busting into Genghis Khan's tomb run into a bit of trouble in the form of an (eww) Mongolian Death Worm.
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE Musical guest: Jay-Z! Host: Internet darling and Golden Girls hottie, Betty White!
8:00 CBS AMAZING RACE Season finale! The final three teams race from Shanghai to San Francisco to claim a $1 million prize and instant anonymity.
10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD Walt makes the unsettling discovery that one probably shouldn't piss off one of the most dangerous drug lords in America.
8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS I just got an email from Bruno saying I'm not extending my leg enough while kicking the shit out of my television.
9:00 FOX 24 In an attempt to figure out who's behind the day's tragedies, Jack takes a tip from Sarah Palin and "goes rogue!"
9:00 ABC LOST Finally, Smocke (Smokey/Locke) reveals his true intentions. Good thing - there's only three episodes left!!
9:00 FOX GLEE When Rachel develops laryngitis, she panics (while everyone else breathes a sigh of relief).
8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL Season finale! The final three models compete to see who is the least worst in the Covergirl commercial competition!
9:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL Okay, it's the final four, and I've decided to man-up and watch the remaining episo... I CAN'T DO IT! I'M SORRY! I JUST CAN'T DO IT!!