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In The Red: Our awesome deficit, Iraq hush money and terror on trial 

Our awesome deficit, Iraq hush money and terror on trial.

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The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from Great Wall Chinese Buffet, hoping to see Presidents Obama and Hu, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

President Obama is in China for a critical lovefest with President Hu, hoping our allowance doesn't get cut off. Touring the Forbidden City, where all of our debt is hidden from the eyes of the 1.35 billion Chinese who aren't eating all that well, nor concerned about hunting ghosts. In the hall of "Supreme Harmony" Obama then begged Hu for more money - err harmony - to underwrite our health care, multiple wars, bailouts, unemployment extensions, and a new initiative code-named "Year of the Rat." Another sign of how out of touch Americans are (hey, it's football season and "Law & Order" is on next... ) a recent CNN poll showed 71% view China as "an economic threat" while 51% view it as a "military threat." Ain't that sweet? Kind of like the roommate who is two months late with rent, hasn't paid a utility bill since moving in, but sits with his/her bong each day watching the cable TV you're paying for viewing you as an "economic threat." Because, should you ask him/her to finally pay-up, his/her next bag of nugs and beer might not miraculously appear. FYI: China owns $763.5 billion of our $1.886 trillion total debt, which is about what we'll spend on our awesome military this year, should China say, "Hey, dude, about the rent... "

About That Military

Three sergeants convicted of premeditated murder and conspiracy for killing four Iraqi detainees in 2007 defended their actions by blaming military policy that made it "too hard to detain suspected insurgents," then added, "They're gonna be right back on the streets." So, instead of transporting the insurgents to a detainee housing area, the sergeants took them to a canal and shot them in the back of the head. Proper punishment, you may think? War is Hell, and our boys and girls are now paying the price for the infallibility of their military and civilian/elected leaders. Too bad these soldiers didn't quit the military and go work for Blackwater (now known as Xe Services). Modern-day Hessians, the private contractor of everything gave Iraqi officials $1 million in "hush-hush, everything's fine" funds to cover up Blackwater guards/killers opening fire in Baghdad streets in 2007, killing 17. You know you're guilty - and untouchable - when your company's VP, Cofer Black, is a former top CIA and State Department official and, when the New York Times calls its former president, Gary Jackson, for a quote for a front-page story about how his company killed innocent people then bribed government officials, and all Mr. Jackson says is, "I don't care what you write."

If Traffic Court Is Good Enough For Me...

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"We have a judicial system that's the envy of the world." said Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy (D-VT) in defending Attorney General Eric Holder's decision to put Satan and his henchmen on trial in New York City. That's right: Eight years later, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed and other 9/11 perpetrators will be tried like any other scum in America - And not a military tribunal, where we'll never know the facts (will we ever really know about 9/11, though?). For some reason, though, Republicans are fighting Holder's decision like they are accomplices, with has-been Mayor Rudy Giuliani rolled out to scare the sh*t out of people, and Senator Judd Gregg (R-NH) babbling, "They represent a cause which wants to destroy this nation. If they have the opportunity and were to get free, they would try to destroy this country. There's no reason we should have them in the criminal justice system." Um, ok. Sort of like Timothy McVeigh and Nazis at Nuremberg? Fear not, Honorable Senator Gregg and other fearmongers, if I know my New Yawkers at all, if there is a hung jury or any issues, this will be settled by a lynchmob of firemen, cops and Italians wearing wife-beaters, leaving Mohammed and his heretics hanging from the Brooklyn Bridge.

Why Communism Failed

With Obama in China and Republicans afraid of our own criminal justice system, here's more proof of why Communism failed. The U.S. Postal Service lost $3.8 billion in 2009, despite $10 billion in cost-cutting measures. Of course this means more threats: That you won't get your Victoria's Secret catalog and less important mail and bills delivered on Saturday, as well as 40,000 jobs being cut - All in hopes of saving a service that is as antiquated as blacksmiths and milliners.

Somewhere, A Native American Is Crying

The US Supreme Court rejected an appeal to force the Washington Redskins to drop its name and logo. The lawsuit was filed in 1992 by Suzan Shown Harjo of Washington, a Cheyenne/Hodulgee Muscogee and a longtime advocate for Native American rights, saying the NFL team's trademark is "disparaging." Meanwhile, the Redskins have used the trademark since 1933, when the team was based in Boston and known as the Braves. To correct the ongoing indignity suffered by Native Americans, the government allowed another Native American casino to be opened, beside the church and liquor store on the reservation.

Other Stuff to Make
You Smirk

A Kuwaiti company - with the very American name "Agility" - is being investigated for billing fraud. Paid $8.5 billion to feed US troops in 2003 and 2005, Agility faked bills for fresh fruits and vegetables. Speaking of fraud, an auction for convicted Ponzi-Scum Bernard Maddoff's worldly possessions saw unexpected interest, with watches, bags and used hankies being bid for 20-times estimates, raising $1 million for his victims; that's 0.00002% of the $49 billion Maddoff swindled from investors.

Swine Heart

This column, however irrational and written under a cloud of Dickel sour mash, is dedicated to a groovy fella going through a delightful procedure he's been putting off since birth. Heal up, Raul, and be healthy for a Westside crawl by spring.

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