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In Their Own Words: Barry O, Berlusconi, and Family Ties that bind 

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The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a nearby Christmas display, protecting baby Jesus from fascist secularists, on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

What a week it has been for sound bites and babble! President Obama baffled all of us, the stress of the job obviously affecting his eloquence, while announcing 30,000 more troops for a war we have no intention of winning, "Even as we dig our way out of this deep hole... " Is he asking for a ladder or merely interested in digging deeper? Then, while accepting the Nobel Peace Prize, he said, "I do not bring with me today a definitive solution to the problems of war." Um, ok... Peace bro! "I didn't run for President to bail out a bunch of fatcats." he added on 60 Minutes, pointing to how distressed Goldman Sachs employees are this holiday season, with only $22 billion in bonuses, closing with, "There shouldn't be anything confusing about that."

Armed with facts and a nervous tick, Dr. Christina Romer, Chair of the President's Council of Economic Advisers, then invoked FDR on Meet The Press, saying the newly passed financial regulations are "Rules of the Road" that won't hurt business at all, "Of course we want them to return to profitably, and we want them to return to lending... " Cool! I need a new Discover card and house I can't afford.

Usher in Former Fed Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, whose love of bad credit and predatory lending practices led to this mess. What scares you most, Mr. Former Chairman? "What scares me most is 38% of the total unemployment are those unemployed for over 26 weeks... These people are losing their skills."

The debate wouldn't be complete without Mitt Romney, continuous Presidential candidate and all-around creepy guy, who called our present predicament "A jobless stimulus." then added that, "The average government worker is making $30k more than the average private sector worker." Huh? Really? Fact check!

How to make sense of the political spin that verges on verbal diarrhea? Our man Greenspan offered a final glimmer of hope: "The census is coming up next year, which will help unemployment numbers." Huh? Oh! The government will be hiring 792,000 census workers in 2010, so grab a clipboard and be glad you work for the Fatherland.

Poor Silvio

If you don't know, Silvio Berlusconi is a mix of Bill Gates, Rupert Murdoch and Tiger Woods: Richer than God, owner of all media in Italy, and screwing any girl who asks for an autograph. Oh, and Silvio is Premier of Italy (kind of like President, but more Mussolini), who received his come-up-ins this weekend when a 42-year-old man hurled a gargoyle statuette at him at a rally, sending poor Silvio to the hospital with a bloodied face that still spewed romantic Italian prose. Is there a lesson to be learned? Nope. In America we can crash White House parties and infer that the President should be killed without real consequences. Libert di discorso nella terra del libero!

Rotten Apples

Chinese software developer Molinker's iPhone applications have been booted off of the Apple store for fake ratings. When iPhone fanatics noticed only 5-star reviews of Molinker's sub-par apps alarms were sounded, and Apple promptly pulled the plug on Molinkers 1,000+ applications. If only you could buy an iPhone in Bend, Oregon, you would know how awesome these many applications are... Thanks Ma Bell! Glad we broke you up... into AT&T and Verizon; choice is so nice!

"Family Ties"

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Some shows are cursed, like how "Lost" is promising to solve its many plot problems without writers, and why anyone watches "Desperate Housewives" anymore. Well, the stalwart lovefest that was "Family Ties" continues to unwind. Michael J. Fox is now a spokesman for some cause, Justine Bateman played a prostitute on her brother's show (random "Arrested Development" mentions rule), and now two more cast members are in the spotlight.

Mom to us all, Meredith Baxter-Birney, no longer likes dad (he was too fem anyway) and prefers girls. What an episode that could have been. Not to be outdone, shooting star Brian Bonsall, who played the annoying late addition to the show, Andy, has been arrested in Boulder, CO after he "repeatedly hit a friend in the head with a broken wooden stool." Obviously still living large off of rerun royalties, Bonsall was drinking that night and can't remember what happened; this is the third time police were called to the former child "star's" home.


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