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Let's Talk Twilight... I Mean, Television! 

For reasons unknown, I’m often accused of using this television column to talk about anything except television.

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For reasons unknown, I'm often accused of using this television column to talk about anything except television. First of all, the name of this column is "I Love Television™" not "I Write About Television™" (although that's an awesome name for a television column, isn't it?). Secondly, there are other things in this world besides television, guys! Say for example, the Twilight series. Have you seen Eclipse yet? Aren't Jacob's abs AH-MAY-ZING? Isn't Edward a pasty-face fop? And isn't Bella the stupidest person in the world? Seriously, she spends the entire movie whining, "Edward! Change me into a vampire! Change me into a vampire!" Why should he? So she can nag the shit out of him for the rest of eternity? Bella would be, like, the worst vampire in the history of vampires - and yes, I'm including Count Chocula! At least he likes chocolate! Bella is stupid, doesn't like chocolate, and the only thing she sucks is a person's will to live.

Crap. Where was I? Oh yeah! I do so too talk about television! Take for example a new show debuting this week called Covert Affairs (USA, Tuesday, July 13, 10 pm). Produced by the people who brought you The Bourne Identity, it stars hotsy-totsy Piper Perabo as a CIA newbie who's thrust into wildly dangerous missions... much in the same way Jacob was called in to fight that army of evil vampires attacking dipshit Bella. Seriously, I have NO IDEA what he sees in her! And Bella treats him like a plate of day-old gravy! BELLA! OPEN YOUR EYES, YOU IDIOT HAG! Jacob has a body that would make Jesus hop down off the cross and strangle a kitten! Umm... not to say that Jesus was a kitten strangler. It's a metaphor to demonstrate that even Jesus would like to bone Jacob. Hey, they both have great abs!

Shoot. I was talking about something earlier... oh! Television! It's the series finale of The Hills this week, you guys (MTV, Tuesday, July 13, 10 pm)! Tune in to find out if Spencer shaves his flesh beard, if Audrina gets her donkey teeth fixed, or if Kristin marries Brody and gives birth to a bunch of chlamydia babies. At least she's not planning on marrying a vampire, which is just downright twi-tarded! Hey, Bella! Vampires can't get pregnant, you dingaling! Besides, why would you wanna have kids with Edward? He looks like Marcel Marceau's asthmatic cousin, Chad!

BUT! Back to television! Because that's what this column is about: TELEVISION. And if you watch one show this week, make it the heee-larious Grey's Anatomy parody, Childrens Hospital (Adult Swim, Sunday, July 11, 10:30 pm). Based on the gut-busting web series, these all-new episodes are written by comedian Rob Corddry who plays a Patch Adams-style surgeon that wears clown makeup (which makes him look a LOT like serial killer Ed Gein). Plus there's tons of sex - because it's a children's hospital. Unfortunately there's ZERO sex in Eclipse, because Twilight author Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon, and Edward is an anemic nancy-lad, and Bella is a naggy bag of garbage, and... and... OMG. Look at Jacob's abs!! That's it! PASS ME THAT KITTEN.

Mmmm... abs. steve@portlandmercury.com

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