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Monday Morning Quarterbacks: Global health insurance, Blagojovich stand-up and more! 

Welcomes your feedback.The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from Tehran, wondering

click to enlarge Welcomes your feedback.
  • Welcomes your feedback.
Welcomes your feedback.The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from Tehran, wondering why everyone is so upset, on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

Bush v. Gore v. Ahmadinejad

Phones down, Internet cut, BBC's Persia TV jammed; five miles of silent protestors on Monday, followed by shots from supporters and at least seven dead; someone must have drawn a picture of Mohammed - Or stole an election. Tens of thousands had come out on Sunday to support the incumbent president of Iran, Hahmoud Ahmadinejad, who claimed 62% of the vote, even though the counting of some 40 million ballots was officially ended early. According to reports, Ahmadinejad was declared the victor after only five million ballots were officially tallied, ending reformist Mir Hossein Moussavi's bid to unseat Satan. Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei (the real President of Islamic Iran) has relented and ordered an investigation into whispers of fraud, which will result in subjugation of women, Moussavi's purely accidental death, and more calls for death to Israel.

Meanwhile, in Israel

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu conceded that a two-state solution between Israelis and Palestinians is possible, with several conditions. That's all we will (can) say about Israel. Thanks for understanding.

Distraction Now!

The National Park Service is giving us a "recession reprieve" by not charging attendance fees at its 100+ parks. Disgraced former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is doing standup comedy - We aren't joking. New home construction jumped 17% in May, with the West leading the nation at 28% - These numbers are still 45% lower than last year, when only two houses and three sheds were built in America. Over 12% of Oregonians are unemployed; hopefully not that cutie at Thump, or that douche that owes me twenty.

$1 Trillion for Enemas and Implants

$20,000 per uninsured American over ten years ain't bad. 51,000,000 of US need health coverage NOW! And Obama is willing to pay for stomach pumping and hidden hamsters. And cancer treatment, AIDS AZTs, birth control, burst appendix, tonsillectomies, anal issues and other medicinal needs. Republicans are calling it Socialism, while citing a mandatory coverage program like auto insurance (think Geico, but with more advertising) as an alternative. Obama responded by promising that the government health care plan will be like the DMV, but slower.

Our Athletes, Role Models, Murderers & Idiots

click to enlarge sorry fellas.
  • sorry fellas.
sorry fellas. Cleveland Browns wide receiver Dante Stallworth received a slap on the butt for killing a pedestrian while driving drunk in Florida, and will serve 30 days for DUI manslaughter; try this at home folks, and see if you get the same sentence. Michael Vick, better known as "Puppy Love," was released by the Atlanta Falcons after serving part of his 23-month prison term for unlawful, interstate dogfighting, and is free to sign with any NFL team who wants an awesome athlete and PETA protestors packing the stands. Ryan Leaf, the biggest NFL QB bust since, well, since Ryan Leaf, has been indicted in Texas on drug and burglary charges and still hadn't turned himself in as of press time; few blame this loser for seeking pain relief, but stealing Hydrocodone is totally lame - he should have asked that kid at school whose dad hurt his back. Brett Favre has committed an act akin to murder by un-retiring again; the New York media ate him up, as did opposing cornerbacks, while starting for the Jets last season. Now he wants to play for the Packers' division rival Minnesota Vikings. (Note to all Hall of Fame to-be's: Quit when you say you're quitting.)

Tidbits To Make You Feel Special

"I think she's infinitely-qualified to be the nominee and we will see during the confirmation process how well she's qualified to actually receive the vote of the Senate," said Anita Hill about Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor; Hill almost derailed Clarence Thomas's nomination by testifying that the Justice sexually harassed her and placed a pubic hair on her can of Coke - Thomas was a Republican nominee, so Hill's accusations were taken as compliments. Former VP flunkee Sarah Palin delighted in David Letterman making fun of her, using the uproar to spread her ignorance, inept solutions, and proving why Alaska should be given back to Russia, its current Governor included. Hearings into Portland Mayor Sam Adams' relationship with a teenage boy with the surname Breedlove have begun - Seriously, if a 40 year-old man was courting your teen daughter, there would be no hearings, only a single shot. And, finally, North Korea is planning to weaponize its nuclear fuel; nothing new there, just more noise from our "Dear Leader," who is very lonely and needs a friend.


Hail Yes!

WTF is up with Bend continuing to make national news only for super weird events? The latest installment of Bend weirdism was a spot on NBC news (yeah, the one with that sexy, sexy Brian Williams) about how vicious the weather has been in certain spots of the US this June. And there we were smack dab in the middle of this segment - a shot of the Greenwood underpass full of water and hail with a car in up to the side mirrors in water. That doesn't exactly bode well for our collective intelligence (you didn't see all that water as you were driving toward it or what?) but it does let people in on the wackiness of our weather. And depending on where you were last Tuesday, that storm was pretty damn wacky. We were out making snow angels and looking for our sleds, our brains automatically thrown back to February at the sight of white-lined streets. It's supposed to be summer, right? We'll keep an eye out for the locusts and frogs...those should be on their way.


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