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Move Over Rover: Turd Blossom on Palin, Russia invades and the Vikings get sacked 

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from Dick Vitale's brain, finishing a bracket with Hoyas, Orangemen, Mountaineers and Cardinals in the Final Four ("All Big East BABY!") on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

Texas has Textbooks?

The Alamo didn't involve Mexicans, Ross Perot and Ralph Nader never existed, and the Civil Rights Movement created "unrealistic expectations of equal outcomes" among minorities, according to new textbooks from the Texas State Board of Education. In addition to exporting lousy presidents, Texas is also a major buyer of textbooks so most schools may be using these "edited" materials.

"I think the Left has a real problem seeing their own bias," said Dr. (really a dentist) Don McLeroy, one of the conservative members dominating the board and demanding a full revision of history. Ronald Reagan not only overthrew the Soviet Union single-handedly, but also cured cancer while wrestling Bigfoot, and "free enterprise" (capitalism is suddenly a bad word among conservatives) makes everyone rich. Five members of the Board are minorities, all of whom will be deported once these books come out, with Mavis Knight of Dallas leading the lackluster opposition saying, "I cannot go back to my community and say I participated in perpetrating this fraud on the students."

Turd Blossom!

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Karl Rove (yep, a Texan) fresh out of prison (we wish) and pushing his new, totally honest and accurate tell-all book Courage and Consequence: My Life as a Gay Muslim Woman appeared on Meet the Press to ironically accuse the Obama administration of a lack of transparency and overly aggressive policy approaches. "Stuffed with pork," he called the health care bill and the King of Swine would know. Subjects, responses (and real meaning) follow:

On weapons of mass destruction not being found in Iraq: "We would have found other ways to constrain [Saddam's] behavior." (We would have invaded anyway.)

On the management and cost of the war: "The Admin emphatically said this was not about oil... " (It was about oil.)

On Sarah Palin: "This is her year to get ready for the red-hot spotlight... " (I'm helping her.)

On the Tea Party: "Right now they're going to exact their revenge this year and it isn't going to be pretty for Dems." (I'm helping them, too, until I get a better offer.)

On the press: "The press covering John McCain was star-struck [in 2000]." (That's why we told everyone McCain had a black bastard child.) Lucky for Bend, we'll be able to hear some of these pearls of wisdom firsthand when Rove addresses local Republicans at the Riverhouse Conference center next month. Rove is the keynote speaker for the Oregon's GOP's REAGAN PAC. The event is a book signing for Rove, a tribute to former President Ronald Reagan and the kick-off event for the conservative PAC.

And You Thought America was a Mess...

The Republic of Georgia's pro-government Imedi TV aired a 30-minute invasion by Russian troops Saturday night, briefly scaring the entire country sober, with "live" footage of fellow Georgians fleeing and sound-bites from Russian President Medvedev and P.M. Putin - unfortunately Imedi TV forgot to alert viewers that the invasion wasn't real and only a "simulation" until the very end, like War of the Worlds but more realistic. Georgia was invaded by Russia in 2008 so viewers were understandably freaked out.

Olympic-Sized Headaches

Workers excavating a road for the London 2012 Olympic sailing venue unearthed a mass grave containing 51 beheaded bodies, unleashing a curse that will leave all Brits with bad teeth and led by inbred people known as "Royalty." The decapitated remains were later proved to be Vikings who obviously invaded the wrong area and lost more than the battle during the Dark Ages. God's BFF Cardinal Ratzinger (now known as the kinder, gentler, Pope Benedict) is known to have moved at least one priest accused of sexual abuse to another church. In response, God said he's pondering another flood.

News of the Dead

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Michael Jackson may be more profitable dead than alive, with a reported offer from Sony Music to release seven posthumous albums. The deal also includes licensing rights for movies, video games and other multimedia platforms, guaranteeing the King of Pop's estate $250 million. Finally, NAMBLA lost its poster-boy last week when Corey Haim died at 38. An overdose is suspected (gee, ya think?) and the loss of the forever-13 heartthrob (don't fret, there's one more Corey still alive) has been linked to an "illegal and massive prescription-drug ring," according to California Attorney General Jerry Brown. Remember, when you're stealing grandpa's Oxycontin, don't cut the pills in half or chew them. It's like saying "Oh, I'll just take a little heroin."


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