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"Myths and Other Disguises" 

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The author is reporting from "ObamaCare" and hoping his doctor didn't drink the tea.

No more slanderous ads, robo-calls from famous people who would never give you their number. Shhh... Secret strategy sessions, appointments, impermanent power divvied in dark rooms. The post-midterm election hush has been unusually brief.

Enter George "Rerun" Bush releasing his new book "Decision Points and Other Things I Goofed." The Republican PR machine is bested only by Big Oil's (one in the same, really) and kept Bush's Necronomicon quiet until after the elections because it's chock full of admissions that voters may have questioned and war crimes courts will use to keep this jackass on his ranch: Bush endorsed waterboarding (a torture technique proved less effective than tickling), he wanted to dump Dick "Darth" Cheney before the run for reelection in 2004, and Cheney was pissed that Bush didn't give Lewis "Felonious Scooter" Libby a full pardon for outing CIA agent Valerie Plame. The only thing missing from this manifesto is where Bush hid the six million jobs lost under his watch.

Good thing enraged Americans had Democrats to blame for Bush-Cheney, but not anymore.

"A shellacking" is how President Obama described the results of the midterms, a loose confederation of concerned citizens and racists voting out Democrats in favor of the do-nothing Republicans disguised as rebels. New York City Mayor (and former Republican) Mike Bloomberg is especially outspoken about the results: "If you look at the U.S., you look at who we're electing to Congress, to the Senate, they can't read." Yep, if you can read, you read that right. "We're about to start a trade war with China," warned the billionaire who will run against any right-wing nut in 2012 if Obama doesn't rediscover his mojo, adding that new members of Congress "don't have passports."

Though most would favor she fall on her sword, former House Speaker Nancy "Blink" Pelosi is now trying to become House Minority Leader, which is apt because she helped create the Democratic majority a few years ago, then made it an insignificant minority in seconds. All of this after passing some of the most important legislation since Teddy Roosevelt: Wall Street oversight and health care reform, gays allowed to kiss while wearing camouflage, and unemployment now an American birthright.

Adding to the mess is the Fed buying $600 billion worth of bonds and pushing interest rates even lower, creating a black hole in our economy and unleashing the ancient God-beast Zuul, who did a cameo in Ghostbusters. The Fed is printing money like the Internet pushing porn and this may be the sole subject on which I agree with Sarah "Wink" Palin: The Fed is a shadow institution that enslaves all of us.

Equally confounding is the economy adding 151,000 jobs in October, bemusing economists who expected hardly one-third that amount. The best numbers since May, this sign of better times came hours too late for Obama and Democrats. This is the paradox of politics: Republicans will now be able to claim job creation and the impact of the Fed's $600 billion. Remember this moment as they spin a myth that would make Reagan proud.

Speaking of shady military deals news: A one-year $315 million jet fuel contract (realistically worth over $600 million) has been given to Mina Corp, a company that refuses to reveal its ownership. An anonymous (of course) Defense Department official explained, "We understand how it looks. We are trying to change how it looks... We are not hiding anything extraordinary." I smell smoke, don't you? Don't, according to another Pentagon official, who said this deal "creates smoke" but there is no evidence of "any fire." The contract will supply our Air Force in Kyrgyzstan, and Mina is controlled by "elusive" California businessman Douglas Edelman, whose qualifications include that he "used to run a bar and hamburger joint in Bishkek." A contract worth over a half-billion dollars going to a former burger-flipper, awesome, I can't wait to pay my taxes.

Other tax dollar duplicity: President Obama has made a billion new friends and drummed up $10 billion in new business while touring India over the weekend. While Republicans said they didn't "want to embarrass" President Obama and vowed respect for the Commander-in-Chief while overseas, rumors that the trip would cost $2 billion suddenly surfaced. Inflamed by Rush Limbaugh, the Drudge Report and other fake news outlets, the trip's $2 billion cost was repeated, ad nauseum. Some outlets even exaggerated these exaggerated figures, citing the costs as "$2 billion per day." Fact check: A similar trip by President Clinton cost under $60 million.

This is how it works: Tell a lie, then get someone to repeat it until it's disguised as "the truth." The spin-cycle works so well that Republican Rep. Michele Bachmann from Minnesota was able to cite "numbers that are coming out in the press" to reinforce the $2 billion myth. If you don't know Bachmann, think of a talking Barbie Doll with Tourettes Syndrome. Her dubious diatribes are so derelict that an unknown named Bob Anderson spent only $200 on his campaign and still garnered 10 percent of the electorate as Bachmann barely won reelection in a three-way race. Bachmann now wants to be among Republican "leadership" and seems all too qualified.

As Obama leaves the volcanic ash of Asia, perhaps he should consider the disguise used last week by a man on an Air Canada flight from Hong Kong. According to startled security: "The passenger in question was observed at the beginning of the flight to be an elderly Caucasian male who appeared to have young looking hands. During the flight, the subject attended the washroom and emerged an Asian looking male that appeared to be in his early 20s." The man then made a claim for refugee protection, which may be what Obama needs now that Republicans are free to make the most outrageous claims and no one hollers "Bullshit!"


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