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Ode to My Thong 

Humorous insight on upcoming TV shows for summer.

YAY!! Summer’s here! And that means two things: 1) There’s an anus-load of new TV shows to watch, and 2) my thong finally gets to emerge from hibernation! (Naturally, number two is far more important than number one, which is why I’ll spend the bulk of this column talking about number two.)

Oh thong, how I’ve missed you so! You must’ve been so lonely crammed in that dark, musty corner of my underpants drawer for lo, so many months. But now? You’re free at last, free at last, thank god it’s summer, because you’re free at last!

Now I’m going to give you what you want, thong! I’m gonna strip off all my clothes, and—using vice grips, a spatula and three bottles of lube—shove my ample honey-baked ham deep inside of you. Ohhhhh, yeah. You like that, don’t you, thong? Now let’s look in the mirror… turn around, that’s right… yesssssss. Looks like two bulldogs fighting inside a tiny weather balloon. Are you ready to go outside and show the world what we’re made of, thong? Me, too. But first? I need to rub down my body with olive oil. Ohhhhh, yeah. I’m glistening like a sweaty hot dog. Hmmm… am I forgetting anything? RIGHT! My “stunna shades,” in-line skates, and boom box. OH! And a few suggestions of new summer TV shows for the rest of you to watch while me and my thong are outside making the world a much more beautiful place. For example…

The Choice (FOX, debuts Thurs June 7, 9 pm): Because celebrities have such a hard time getting dates (poor things), this new reality competition gives female nobodies the chance to hook up with such has-beens as Dean Cain (Lois & Clark), Joe Jonas (Jonas Brothers) and The Situation (Jersey Shore), while giving the celebs another shot at catching the herp. Good luck, guys!

Comedy Bang! Bang! (IFC, debuts Fri June 8, 10 pm): I command you to watch this hilarious new late night talk show parody—that’s actually funny—based on host Scott Aukerman’s podcast, and co-starring bandleader Reggie Watts. Jam-crammed with celebrity guests, skits, and all-out weirdness, Comedy Bang! Bang! will make you want to punch Jay Leno’s stupid fat face in—which I may do in any case. WATCH THIS!!!

Redneck Island (CMT, debuts Sat June 9, 10 pm): This is pretty self-explanatory… a bunch of beer-drinkin’, tooth-missin’, hyuck-hyuckin’ hillbillies are dropped alone on a deserted island to see if they can survive without their usual necessities—which is of course, chawin’ tobaccy and having sex with pigs.

Dallas (TNT, debuts Wed June 13, 9 pm): Perhaps the most popular night-time soap of all time (sorry, Melrose Place!) returns… but this isn’t a reboot! It’s more like a continuation, as original Dallas cast members Patrick Duffy (Bobby Ewing), Linda Gray (Sue Ellen Ewing), and the supernaturally animated decaying corpse of Larry Hagman (J.R. Ewing) are paired up with young hotties portraying their kids—and still bickering over the family’s oil fortune. Making a special guest appearance? My thong! (Trust me, it takes a lot of oil for me slip into this thing.)

Follow me and my thong (from behind). @WmSteveHumphrey

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