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Oil Goes Boom: BP's big 'oops', stupid terrorists, a papal bailout and more! 

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a quaint place called "Canada." Seriously, there's another country up north full of good beer and money called "Looney's" (I'm not making this up) with millions of people coexisting rather amicably, on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

You Can't Go Home Again

The most poorly planned terrorism plot since that Nigerian's underwear was hatched in Times Square this weekend, with naturalized American citizen Faisal Shahzad arrested late Monday at JFK trying to flee to his home country of Pakistan. The inbred Pakistani Taliban are taking responsibility for the plot but no one knows why. With non-explosive fertilizer, ten gallons of gas, propane tanks and a few firecrackers in an old Nissan Pathfinder, Faisal forgot that Times Square is full of cameras and NYC doesn't care much for terrorists. As inept as a southern governor (see "Crist Comes Out"), Faisal makes Goldman Sachs look innocent.

In related domestic terrorism news: Billionaire Warren Buffett is still fighting new finance regulations while defending Goldman Sachs and the $900 per minute ($800 million annually) he makes off his $5 billion investment in the sullied/fraudulent bank. Somewhere in Hell, Timothy McVeigh is wishing he'd gotten an MBA instead of joining the military, guarded for eternity by ATF agents and forced to listen to Branch Davidians worship their Waco leader/father/mass-murderer.

"Obama's Katrina"

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"Gotcha!" games have reached new fecal lows as President Obama is somehow being blamed for BP's oil rig burning and collapsing, killing 11, then unleashing tens of thousands of crude into the Gulf of Mexico. The scene of Bush/Cheney's Katrina crime is suffering more indignity as the bayou struggles to survive, with fisherman even offering to "work for the enemy" by joining BP to fight the oil slick. Yep, illegal immigrant/president Obama is to blame, with Rush "Got Any Oxy?" Limbaugh calling the tragedy "Obama's Katrina." Smarter, saner minds see BP and lax regulations (echo, anyone?) to be at fault. "BP is responsible for this leak. BP will be paying the bill," said Obama while sending in the Navy and promising "to do everything in our power" (which is weighty, now that we're a Socialist state). Even BP exec Lamar McKay is pointing the finger at BP and "throwing every resource that we've got" to try to plug the 5,000 feet under the Gulf, with a bizarreTrojan Horse contraption about to be lowered over the leaking pipe. By far exceeding the Exxon-Valdez spill in Alaska in environmental damage and cost, BP will still be fine. Exxon fought a $10 billion settlement for decades while reporting $30-plus billion quarterly profits, and prices at the pump ensure big bucks for those who ruin our Earth.

Crist Comes Out

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Saying it's "liberating," Florida Governor Charlie Crist (whatever happened to Jeb Bush we'll never know) declared, "I'm much happier now, to be perfectly candid." Why so happy, Charlie? Finally come out of the closet? Glad the nation's attention is on Arizona's xenophobia and not Florida's? Nope. Charlie is skipping the Republican primary to run for Senate as an Independent. Weren't Republicans supposed to sweep all elections this fall? The Party of Lincoln is purifying like Nazis at night, favoring angry right-wing fear-mongering do-nothings (Palin, AM talk radio, et al) over moderate and mostly effective leadership. Thank Democrat Judas for Crist's revelation; Joe Lieberman, who quit the Dems to make smut GOP commercials, convinced Crist to leave his party. Next up: Republicans actually win the House of Representatives and have to govern through the mess they made over the past decade, then Obama wins in 2012 by a landslide, much like Clinton after the last Republican "victory."

Let's Talk Religion

The infallible Vatican assumed leadership of the Legionaries of Christ on Sunday; only Pope Benedict XVI would want to align himself with a group founded by a leader who sexually abused seminarians and fathered at least one child. "Who is going to investigate the church? There were also accomplices within the church," wondered Jose Barba, who filed canon law challenges against the ultra-conservative group. In related pedophilia news: Oscar-winning rapist Roman Polanski broke his silence from utterly inhumane house arrest at a Swiss Alpine chalet, declaring, "I can now remain silent no longer." Posted on French philosopher Bernard-Henri Levy's website (replete with deep thoughts on quiche and how 13-year old girls really wanted it in 1977) Polanski says the case for extradition is "unjust and full of discrepancies." Your day in court is coming, Roman, best to just sit in that chalet and shhhh...

Chinese Cookies For Dessert

A man attacked a school in China, slashing 15 with a knife; this is the second such attack in China in weeks. The Communist government has informed all Chinese companies that they will be responsible for keeping all state-secrets secret and to report any improper sharing of information; the decree did not say exactly what a state-secret is, so Chinese companies have to guess - or not share any information at all. Related to China (since China owns the world): Someone let Iran President Adolph Ahmadinejad into the U.S. to speak at the U.N. about nuclear programs, then someone let him leave; where's the mob and concrete shoes when we need them?

Dept. of Corrections

An alert reader noted that our endorsement of Wells Ashby for Deschutes County judge slightly misstated Mr. Ashby's qualifications. Ashby has argued cases before the highest court in Idaho, but not in Oregon where that right is reserved by the Department of Justice. Thanks for the tip, Wells.


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