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Put a Cap on It: BP's heroic efforts, Steinbrenner vs. Martin, the Barefoot Bandit and more! 

The author is investigating nearly 30 percent unemployment among American students (3xs the national unemployment rate yet hardly half of Bend's) by sitting along Drake Park and donning mirrored sunglasses, not perving on the bikini-clad floaters mind you, but investigating.

Ponder This At The Pump

"I couldn't be prouder of the team that put on the sealing cap. That really went extremely well," lauded BP Senior Vice President Kent Wells upon attaching a cap that "could seal" the leaking well that has spewed over 4,000,000 barrels of oil into the Gulf of Mexico since BP's Deepwater Horizon platform exploded on April 20th. Tar-balls are now being found in the fragile Lake Pontchartrain ecosystem yet no one from BP has been arrested. Congrats! Even better news: BP predicts (if the well is capped, which we've heard before) that up to 3.36 million barrels could be collected over the next three weeks. Huh? Wait! Wasn't that well spewing "only 20,000" barrels a day (versus the original ruse of "only 5,000" - - which scientists now estimate at really 35,000-60,000 per day)? For the sake of humanity, the environment and the huge legal battle to come, get your numbers straight.

Speaking of numbers, BP hoped to earn $20 billion from a new offshore drilling deal with Libya, a deal that a group of U.S. lawmakers are now investigating because Abdel Basset al Megrahi is still alive. Who's Megrahi? He's the stinking plop of poop convicted and sentenced to life for the 1988 Pan Am flight 103 bombing, which killed 270, including 189 Americans, (including 35 fellow Syracuse University students). Megrahi was released after only eight years on compassionate grounds last year because he has prostate cancer and "only three months to live." Yet details emerging from this ugly deal show his release yet another ruse/lie/middle-finger-to-the-world by BP in order to get the offshore drilling deal with Libya; of course, Megrahi is still living, in Libya and in luxury. Karma will be unkind to BP. Already on the hook for $20 billion to cleanup the Gulf, BP's latest deal with the Devil will only cover its latest catastrophe. In response, BP spokesman Mark Salt said, "We're not going to comment on speculation."

Dead Yankees

When Bob Sheppard, the voice of the New York Yankees, died on Sunday at age 99, hyper-competitive-combative Yankees owner George Steinbrenner simply wouldn't be outdone, so he died of a massive heart attack Tuesday at age 80. The longest-tenured owner in Major League Baseball, Steinbrenner bought talent like a Southern plantation owner, winning seven World Series since 1973. "The Boss" is gone, and surely being smacked around in Hades by former Yanks manager Billy Martin, with Thurmon Munson looking down from Heaven, having a good laugh.

Our Stupid Idols

Michael Vick is again in the news, and not for dog-fighting or football (which he does play when not in prison) but, rather, a shooting following his birthday party last week in Richmond. Vick has been cleared of any wrongdoing but really needs a new hobby, perhaps knitting, to keep him away from idiot friends with guns and bloodlust. The only person more stupid than Michael Vick may be Lindsay Lohan, who was sentenced to 90 days in jail for ruining a promising career and not doing porn, yet. "She's scared to death," said her mother Dina, who was busy driving between ATMs to steal what remains of her daughter's wealth, adding that the 24-year-old Lindsay doesn't need rehab and, "She did a really stupid thing," after Lohan was sentenced for violating the terms of her DUII probation.

Topping this week's list of "really stupid" people is Colton Harris-Moore, who has been terrorizing the Pacific Northwest, specifically the San Juan Islands, with home break-ins, petty crimes, and the occasional plane theft. A Facebook idol by the age of 19 and known as the "Barefoot Bandit" because he hates shoes and people who work for what they have, Harris-Moore had a $10,000 FBI reward on his head until Royal Bahamian police found a 2009 Cessna 400 Corvalis plane crash-landed off Abaco Island in the Bahamas- - -a plane that was reported stolen from a hangar in Bloomington, Indiana. Police ultimately nabbed Harris-Moore after a Miami Vice-style boat chase and an armed stand-off. In the calm before the storm the "barefoot bandit" pled guilty to illegally landing a plane and was given a $300 fine. Now comes the long arm of the law and extradition to the U.S. where he faces real consequences. Unfriend Colton now, he's no Frank Abagnale Jr., and will soon be bending over to pick up soap for his new buddy Bubba.

Other Criminals, Grim and Holy

"The Grim Sleeper" has been caught, but no one knew he was on the loose for decades because Lonnie David Franklin Jr. targeted black prostitutes in south Los Angeles. "This terror has finally come to an end," proudly said L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa while announcing the 10 counts of murder that Franklin will now face. Nicknamed "The Grim Sleeper" because of the unusual length of time between crimes, at least 11 women dead or missing since 1985. If the fab show "Criminal Minds" has taught us anything, it's that there are more bodies out there, and this guy was caught by group of brilliant misfits, including a hot brunette, nerdy emo, and buff stud with a troubled past. Actually, California police used DNA from one of Franklin's fellow-felonious family members to catch him.

More news about felonious families: A priest in Connecticut has been charged with stealing $1.3 million from his church to live a lavish life with male escorts who really wanted to attend Harvard; Father Kevin Gray of the Sacred Heart Church spent $132,000 on hotels, $85,000 on clothing, and paid his sexy altar boy's tuition to Harvard with the stolen church funds. There is a special place in Hell for you, Father Gray, with reservations ready for everyone mentioned in this week's column.

Finally, Something in Spanish

Las felicitaciones a España en su victoria emocionante de fútbol de tiempo extraordinario en el mundial!

NOTE: Don't be scared white people in the suburbs, strange languages do exist, and not everyone speaking them deserves subjugation or deportation.


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