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Rants, Raves and the Rapture: Michael outdies Farrah, White rights, and Bernie goes down 

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting while moonwalking, outside Bernie Madoff's

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting while moonwalking, outside Bernie Madoff's sentencing, slinging Orange Glo while buying Farrah Fawcett posters, on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

click to enlarge sleeps with angels.
  • sleeps with angels.
sleeps with angels.That Hair, Smile, That Anal Cancer

I loved her. The speckled stains on my childhood bedroom ceiling are proof enough. Farrah, a name like a fast sportscar; Fawcett, the way she turned us on with the jerk of a knob. Her swimsuit poster - red, clingy, yummy - sold 12 million copies, more than even Dale Earnhardt. The pride of Corpus Christi, TX, Farrah came to our TVs with Charlie's Angels in 1976 as Jill Munroe, a seductress spying and karate-kicking each week for her unseen sugar daddy. No man could treat her right, though; The Six Million Dollar Man, Lee Majors, who Farrah married from 1973-1982 couldn't hang, and then Ryan O'Neal, from 1982-1997, was revealed as the untalented piece of poop that he is. Gone at 62, she belongs to the ages. Take a look at the models today and know why she was different: Wasted on Letterman, convincingly playing an abused and vengeful wife in The Burning Bed, and offering herself to the cameras while suffering through anal cancer (not so sexy but, somehow, still arousing with her). She is why my right wrist is unusually strong.

Supreme Court, More Indecision

White Firefighters were denied fair process in New Haven, CT, a reverse discrimination lawsuit that reached the Supreme Court found this week. "The city rejected the test results solely because the higher scoring candidates were white," wrote Justice Anthony Kennedy for the 5-4 majority. Minority firefighters didn't score well on the 2003 exam for lieutenant and captain positions, so New Haven threw out the results for fear of being sued - And ended up in court anyway. In a major precedent for membership into the Aryan Brotherhood and Louis Farrakhan's Lovefest, "race-based action like the city's in this case is impermissible under Title VII," according to the Supreme Court - which narrowed the Voting Rights Act last week and will soon rule that Michael Jackson wasn't black or white but, really, a psychologically stunted Asian woman.

Say What About Jacko?

He isn't dead. Believe it, know it - Pass it along. Working in tandem with the Obama Administration, Michael Jackson faked his death last Thursday, purportedly at the age of 50, to distract America from Obama's trillion-dollar healthcare overhaul and a carbon-cap-and-trade scheme that will cost us billions, undermine our ability to compete abroad, and declares that national forests need bio-burning. Always a team player - as the pre-pubescent frontman of the Jackson Five (though there were nine total children born to an abusive father and medicated mother), in helping big pharma to make billions on AIDS AZT meds by writing "We Are The World," and making Paul McCartney look even more desperate with "Ebony and Ivory" - Jackson's high-jinx aren't yet over, even in faux death. His upcoming 50-show "This Is It" concerts in London sold 11 tickets per second, starting at $105 each, netting him hundreds of millions that will surely go towards plastic surgery to make him appear African-American, a look that no one would suspect him of seeking, when he re-emerges as an overly friendly Pediatrician in your neighborhood.

Other Signs of the Rapture

Crap product pitchman Billy Mays died Sunday night after an earlier flight; heart disease and years of selling his soul to Orange Glo and other useless cure-alls are suspected to be the cause. Ponzi scheme superstar Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years for taking $50 billion from people who should have known Madoff's hedge fund's returns were too good to be true. Ahmadinejad's dubious re-election in Iran was declared valid by mullahs and others who haven't read anything other than the Koran in decades - Satan remaining in power, combined with angelic Farrah going to Heaven, sets the stage for the Apocalypse; thus, the Rapture.

Oh, In Case You Didn't Notice

We've handed Iraq back to Iraqis. Yep, "Normalcy" (a Pentagon term) has returned to this proud country, which means that only dozens will die today in terrible suicide bombings, religious/ethnic cleansing, and from stray bullets falling from the sky, as Iraqis celebrate their newfound "freedom."

click to enlarge hero or trooper?
  • hero or trooper?
hero or trooper?Justice For Trooper

The legal saga around Trooper, the orphaned and injured horse who was found wandering public lands after being abandoned and shot, came to a close Thursday with one Russell Daniel Willeford receiving 90 days in jail, five years in probation and more than $9,000 in fines. Willeford who was arrested last October in Banks, Oregon was found guilty of misdemeanor animal abuse and criminal mischief for shooting Trooper near Camp Tamarack east of Suttle Lake where Willeford had been working as a wrangler. According to police, Tamarack officials had asked Willeford to find a new home for Trooper and were unaware of his effort to dispose of the horse.

Chalk this up as one more example of how Oregon's well-intentioned law prohibiting the sale of live horses for slaughter often backfires. That said, anyone who shoots a horse and leaves it to suffer and die deserves more than three hots and a cot in the county clink. Can anyone say Horse Whip?

As far as Trooper goes, things are looking up. After undergoing surgery to remove his left eye that was destroyed in the botched execution, he is recovering well at his new home in Tumalo at Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch.

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