Editor's note: Mike McMenaminuses has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from your uncle's backyard, hoping to fix the leak that his RV's roof has sprung, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
This must be the disappointment diehard Republicans and Evangelicals felt after Bush seized power. Democrats allowed to live; "Faith-based Initiatives" as effective as, well, the Bush Administration; those pesky scientists allowed to squawk about fallacies like global warming and teen pregnancy, despite the duct-tape over their mouths and millions for abstinence programs. Yet extraordinary renditions and environmental massacre were still all the rage. How's your hope? Or, as my man Hank aptly termed, is Obama's "Hopium" still hittin'? Extraordinary renditions continue, Republicans are still alive and cranky as ever, and the morass we all thought would ebb with Obama is sucking like a college freshman at her first kegger. His first 100 days hardly half over, let us take a deep breath and consider the trillions now promised, the thousands of more troops being sent abroad, and that monkey on our backs that's itching for another fix. Hopiate, indeed...
Rick Wagoner, the best CEO ever invented by foreign automakers, has agreed to step down from the sinking ship that is GM. Agreed isn't the right term, though; more like forced out by a White House that isn't Socialist but, rather, really super-duper concerned about the economy and the domestic auto industry. Wagoner, who will surely be replaced by someone with a more modern name, like Tip Canoe or Rex Carriage (GM is a very innovative company, after all), became CEO of GM in 2000 when the stock price was $80. Today the stock is worth less than a medium coffee, and Rick's major contribution to this once-proud company was the Hummer. Yep, that's about it. A vehicle for impotent jerks who never served in the Armed Forces - Which is about the only application for these multi-ton beasts, running over impotent jerks on the road. Thanks, Rick! Along with his estimated $20 million golden parachute, Rick's next stop will ideally be Ikea, because those Swedes deserve some come-up-ins. On an international- and industry-related note, Chrysler was given 30 days by the White House to merge with Italian automaker Fiat, or its allowance will be cut off.
Disturbing Stuff to Distract Us From the Economy
Kaing Guek Eav is accused of torturing and killing more than 15,000 fellow Cambonians as the former prison chief for the Khmer Rouge - Oh, and he's a former math teacher and born-again Christian. Columbian farm worker Arcedio Alvarez Quintero is accused of raping his daughter for decades and fathering eight children with her, which echoes the Austrian Josef Fritzl, who was recently sentenced to life in prison for imprisoning his daughter and fathering seven children with her. Watch your matches alert - A convicted arsonist escaped from London's Pentonville prison by clinging to the underside of the security van that brought him into the big house. America also had its fair share of ugliness this week: A Massachusetts man murdered his two sisters, decapitating one in front of police; a Silicon Valley murder-suicide left six dead; and the carnage in Carthage, North Carolina was complete, when Robert Stewart entered a nursing home and opened fire, killing eight and wounding three. Equally disturbing news from the entertainment world this week: Rihanna got a gun tattoo as a sign of "empowerment" and Madonna wants to adopt more African kids, whether orphans or not.
Back to the News...
Awesome yet Useless Information
Play-Doh was originally developed to clean wallpaper; in Danish, LEGO means to "play well." In the 1500s most people got married in June because they took their annual bath in May (the bouquet of flowers was carried to cover the stank). Despite the poor hygiene, the 1500s expanded our lexicon admirably, with visitors dropping by with rare and tasty pork ("bring home the bacon") and hunks being cut off for guests to "chew the fat."
Update from Last Week
The peace conference in South Africa that refused to allow the Dalai Lama to attend in order to "keep good relations" with China was cancelled. President Bush still has a $7 million book deal (seriously, it must be repeated that some sucker publisher - Crown in this case - is paying this piece of sh*t for his story on "important decisions"). Finally, and not to sound redundant but, OBAMA IS NOT GOING TO TAKE YOUR GUNS AWAY! This important news comes from concerned unarmed and peaceful citizens, as well as ammunition manufacturers, who are reporting a major spike in orders due to rapid (and vapid) gun and ammo purchases by morons who believe every NRA email. Turn off Fox News, take a long walk, eat some cheese... There, don't you feel better?WTF!?: Drive-Thru Meth
We know that times are tough in the restaurant industry and owners are getting creative with happy hour menus and recession specials, but brothers Damian and Julian Castanedoa-Nino who owned the westside Rigoberto's on Franklin raised the bar when they were arrested this week with more than $23,000 worth of marijuana and methamphetamine. While it's nice to know that community will be hopefully rid of these dealers who we can only guess were using their restaurant as a front business, it would be almost equally great to get rid of the racist morons who, within a few hours of the arrest, extended the comment thread to 40 pages on one local news website with xenophobic hysteria. Last we checked, drug crime crosses all race and socioeconomic boundaries. It's too bad we can't deport idiocy. WTF.
Department of Corrections
Last week's Boot (The Mt. Bachelor Voucher Fiasco) misstated the role of Bend's Joe's Outdoors store in the voucher situation. The local store did not sell vouchers, however it is providing customer refunds to those who purchased tickets at other outlets.