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Stephen Hawking Gets More Tail Than Me 

I get a lot of tail—we hold this truth to be self-evident. HOWEVER! It’s causing me no small amount of distress that world-famous theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking probably gets more tail than I do.

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I get a lot of tail - we hold this truth to be self-evident. HOWEVER! It's causing me no small amount of distress that world-famous theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking probably gets more tail than I do. Now, I realize that "getting tail" is not a competition - except that it is a competition, and Stephen Hawking is winning.

First some background on Stephen Hawking and why he gets such a copious amount of tail. As touched on earlier, Stephen Hawking is famous for advancing humanity's understanding of theoretical cosmology and quantum gravity. In other words, Stephen Hawking studies shit that happens in outer space, which includes, but is not limited to, "black holes," the nature of space and time, as well as the formation of the universe itself. This is wildly interesting to hippie chicks, who undoubtedly furnish him with tail.

I, on the other hand, have a weekly TV column. And... that's about it. OH! I study shit, too. Like the TV Guide. And... I watch TV as well. So one could say I "study" it. And I write! About the stuff I watch on TV. I don't really have much to say about the formation of the universe. However, I can name all the characters on Glee. So if one wanted to, one could say I'm a doctor of "Gleeology." If one wanted to be thought of as an idiot. So anyway... I watch TV. Which doesn't exactly get me a ton of hippie-chick tail.

On the other hand! Unlike Stephen Hawking, I'm not confined to a wheelchair thanks to an incurable neuromuscular disease, nor do I speak through a voice synthesizer. But like I said... it's not a competition. However, if it were a competition, and a sampling of ladies were asked whether they'd rather give tail to Stephen Hawking in a wheelchair or to Wm.™ Steven Humphrey in cut-off jeans and a mesh T-shirt - I'm pretty sure the majority of that tail would go to Hawking.

It also doesn't help that Stephen Hawking has won a number of awards which include, but are not limited to, the Order of the British Empire, the Wolf Prize in Physics, the Albert Einstein Medal, and the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Last week, I won a free Gordita at Taco Bell. Actually, it wasn't a prize - I was there super late and they were going to throw it out. Yeah. That award didn't score me a lot of tail.

Oh! And I forgot to mention that Stephen Hawking has his own TV show debuting this week! It's called Into the Universe with Stephen Hawking (Discovery, Sun April 25, 8 pm), in which Hawking explains (with help from computer graphics) stuff like "the big bang," life on other planets, and the possible death of the universe. And therein lies the irony! Not only will his brainy explanations get him tail, but he'll be on TV while offering the explanations - HENCE, GETTING MORE TAIL!!

Anyway, I'm not here to "playa hate" Stephen Hawking or the astronomical amount of tail he taps. I'm just glad it's not a competition. Even though it is. (And I'm losing.)

Carl Sagan probably got more tail, too.

thursday 22


Oscar gains fame on the internet with his video that compares Kevin's voice to that of the Cookie Monster.


Season finale! The final three designers strut their stuff at Bryant Park while trying to maintain the last vestiges of mental stability.

friday 23

8:30 TOON GENERATOR REX Debut! A teenager becomes a Transformer-like superhero. Goddammit, kids get everything!

saturday 24

9:00 HBO YOU DON'T KNOW JACK - Movie (2010) Al Pacino stars in this biopic about Dr. Jack Kevorkian - and I bet he's gonna KILL in this role. (Get it?? Get it?? OH, NEVER MIND.)

sunday 25

9:00 DSC INTO THE UNIVERSE WITH STEPHEN HAWKING Debut! Stephen Hawking explores the possibility of alien life, and probably, tapping alien tail!

10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD Walt's DEA brother-in-law's investigation hits a little too close to home - which is gonna make things really awkward at Thanksgiving.

monday 26

8:00 FOX HOUSE Dr. House and the gang treat (and freak out about) a woman who's in an "open relationship."

9:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL Serena's dad (William Baldwin) comes to town - and which Baldwin is he again? The fat one or the Christian one?

tuesday 27

8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL It's down to the final six, at which point I usually start watching this show again. But... not this year. Sorry!

wednesday 28

9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY Phil's dad (Fred Willard) pays a visit... in his skanky RV. (Umm... just to be safe, keep the kids inside.)

10:00 ABC HAPPY TOWN Debut! A new Twin Peaksy-style drama about a small town and a grisly murder. But do they serve "damn fine pie"?


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