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Stock Up Now On Fresh Straight Poop For The Holidays 

A gathering of happenings in the news from the previous week.

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Monday, Nov. 28

Mr. Excitement: Atlanta businesswoman Ginger White reveals 13-year affair with pizza king and would-be president Herman Cain, says it was "fun" and "exciting." Who would've thought? ... Parting shot: Rep. Barney Frank, D-MA, first openly gay member of Congress, announces retirement, takes dig at Newt Gingrich, saying his nomination would be "best thing to happen to the Democratic Party since Barry Goldwater." ... Tattletale: Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback says his office "overreacted" to Tweet by 18-year-old student saying he "sucked," apologizes for reporting her to principal ... Party animal? Pippa Middleton, sister-in-law of Prince William and possessor of one of the most-admired asses in Britain (it has its own website) reportedly inks $625,000 deal to write guide to party planning ... No, life is NOT fair: Three affluent wealth managers from posh Greenwich, CT share $254 million Powerball jackpot.


Tuesday, Nov. 29

The Newt Also Rises: As Herman Cain fades, Newt Gingrich pulls ahead of the pack in Iowa straw poll with 25 percent of likely caucus participants; Ron Paul second, Mitt Romney third ... Bitter medicine: Judge sentences Dr. Conrad Murray to four years in prison, the max, for causing death of Michael Jackson ... Crashing to earth: Parent company of American Airlines files for bankruptcy, last of pioneer US airlines to do so ... Hands off our nukes! Angry Molotov-cocktail-throwing mob storms British embassy in Tehran, protesting sanctions leveled against Iran for bad nuclear behavior ... Shamefaced: Facebook agrees to settlement with FTC over charges it deceived users about privacy; Mark Zuckerberg says company "made a bunch of mistakes" ... Flunking Civics 101: At town hall in New Hampshire, Rick Perry urges students who will be 21 by Nov. 12 to vote for him. Problem: voting age in US is 18 and Election Day is Nov. 6.

Wednesday, Nov. 30

Presidential Follies: Herman Cain assures supporters he won't quit. "The American people are going to raise some Cain in 2012!" he says ... New Ron Paul ad rips Gingrich for "serial hypocrisy," says he's too liberal. No, really, it says that ... Diplomatic hardball: Britain expels all Iranian diplomats in payback for attack on its embassy in Tehran ... Diplomatic softhead: Michelle Bachmann tells Iowa crowd that if she becomes president she'll close US embassy in Iran, where US hasn't had an embassy since 1980 ... Shocking, simply shocking: NBA player Kris Humphries says his 72-day marriage to Kim Kardashian was a "fraud" ... Deck the halls with belts of ammo: Gun club in Scottsdale, AZ (of course) offers families chance to be photographed with Santa while holding their favorite guns. "Our customers have been looking for a fun and safe way to express their holiday spirit and passion for firearms," manager says.

Thursday, Dec. 1

Eating their own: Mitt Romney campaign gears up for attack-ad campaign against New Gingrich ... Gingrich continues surge; Rasmussen Poll shows him 21 points ahead of Romney ... Fast-fading Herman Cain says wife didn't know about 13-year affair with Ginger White, admits quitting campaign is "an option" ... Oh, the irony: Patrick Sullivan, 68, former sheriff of Arapahoe County, CO, held in jail named after him after allegedly being caught offering a man meth for sex ... White just ain't right: Coca-Cola to take new white cans off market after consumers, some complaining they made Coke "taste different," spurn them.

Friday, Dec. 2

Phoned and dangerous: Syria reportedly bans iPhone in attempt to stop protesters from communicating with outside world ... Persona non grata: Republican Jewish Coalition declines to invite Ron Paul to its presidential candidates forum, citing his "misguided and extreme views" on Israel ... Meanwhile, once-upon-a-time candidate Donald Trump will moderate GOP presidential debate in Des Moines, IA Dec. 27 ... Home is where the heart is: Clinton and Lynette Hamblin of Petaluma, CA, self-described Disney fanatics, pay $400,000 for full-size replica of house from animated movie "Up" ... Peace, goodwill and .357 magnums: FBI says background check requests from gun dealers hit all-time single-day high of 129,166 on Black Friday.

Saturday, Dec. 3

Exit the Hermanator: Sex-scandal-plagued Herman Cain announces he's "suspending" presidential campaign but promises to still push his "999" tax plan; rivals Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney praise him ... Guess we can call this progress: Myanmar (formerly Burma) allows citizens to hold peaceful protests for first time, but they have to get government's permission first ... TSA outrage du jour: Lenore Zimmerman, 84, of Long Island, NY says she was strip-searched by airport security after refusing to go through imaging machine because she has a pacemaker ... Riding in cars with burkhas: Report given to Saudi Arabian advisory council says letting women drive would encourage them to have premarital sex.

Sunday, Dec. 4

Swinging to the right: Islamist party wins heavy majority of vote in Egypt's first parliamentary elections ... Put off by Putin? In sign that his popularity may be waning, Vladimir Putin's "United Russia" party loses ground in parliamentary elections ... Small step for sanity: Kentucky church that barred interracial couple relents, votes to admit all believers "regardless of race, creed or color" ... Those Krazy Kardashians: Chantal Spears, a transgendered woman, files suit against Khloe Kardashian, claiming she attacked her outside Hollywood nightclub two years ago ... Might have to pawn some tiaras: Britain imposes austerity budget on royal family, slapping six-year pay freeze on Queen Elizabeth II and halting repairs to Buckingham Palace.

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