I don't only read sports magazines. I'm an indiscriminate fan of several publications, many of which are left on my coffee table and toilet tank with the intention of letting my houseguests and/or bathroom users know of my varied and erudite interests.
So now you know why I was reading Esquire the other day. As I flipped through a few pages about how to appropriately dress for the upcoming fall season in clothing affordable only to the male versions of Sex and the City characters, I damn near dropped the magazine. Why? Well, because looking back at me with an uncomfortable degree of sexiness was Tom Brady. And this wasn't an article about the NFL's fading stars, but rather an advertisement for Ugg boots.
Apparently, Brady is now the official model for a certain type of this brand's men's footwear and thus appeared in a two-page spread in which he's lounging in his boots with a far-off stare that implied he was either trying to appear quite sexy or perhaps needed to make a bowel movement. Here's what I'm wondering: Why in the hell is Tom Brady starting a modeling career?
And here's my hypothetical answer. In the event you don't read US Weekly, let me inform you that Brady is married to Gisele, who happens to be a supermodel (are there really any other kinds of models other than super ones?). Dude, I get it. Many of us married guys have to take up our wives' interests because that's just part of the deal. But why not, like the rest of us, go to a damn spin class or read her Oprah-approved book club novel? Or maybe go to an antique fair or watch one of those TV movies in which the main character is dying of cancer and is in love with some guy who also has cancer?
Just because your wife is a model doesn't mean you have to give sportswriters reason to table talk of your excellent career quarterback rating in favor of a critique of your sexiness. And Ugg boots? Really? This is the brand that made college girls everywhere look like they were walking around with a pair of dead kangaroos strapped to their feet and he wants to have his name attached to this nonsense? And don't get me started on that haircut. What the hell is Brady doing? Weren't we all growing our hair out, inspired by the rugged look Brady provided us with last season? I know I am. This shit is in my eyes all the time and I can't even cover it up with a football helmet.
If he absolutely must model clothing, can't he be like Brett Farve and tout the merits of something manly to the point that no one other than a seasoned NFL quarterback can actually pull it off, like Wrangler jeans? Yeah, I saw that Brady did a Stetson cologne ad, but come on, are there really people out there who want to smell like Tom Brady?
As you can tell, I have a lot of questions for Tom... and Gisele, for that matter.