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Take A Hike: Bill to the rescue, Touristas, the Apple conspiracy and more! 

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is now missing and most likely deported,

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is now missing and most likely deported, on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

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What Can't Bill
Clinton Do?

When he isn't advising Hillary on foreign policy and interns on career paths, former President Bill Clinton is meeting with - What? Really? "Dear Supreme Leader" Kim Jong-Il in North Korea? Wait - Fact check! Oh ok, this makes sense: Clinton was in Pyongyang on Tuesday to try to free two CurrentTV "journalists" (Bill's VP Al Gore owns CurrentTV, enough said) who were sentenced to twelve years of hard labor after being arrested on the North Korea-China border earlier this year. Further clarification: Laura Ling and Euna Lee are getting so much attention because one of them is related to a celebrity, and hey, Bill digs babes. Regarding the unusual visit by the VIP, Asia analyst Mike Chinoy offered the obvious, "I suspect that it was made pretty clear in advance that Bill Clinton would be able to return with these two women; otherwise it would be a terrible loss of face for him."

Oh! Those Other "Tourists"

Iran confirmed the arrest of three American "hikers" who made an "illegal entry" by crossing the border from Iraq last Friday. You won't hear much about this one, and don't expect any former Presidents to come begging for their release. Either US snoops or peace-loving idiots with eager feet (they are all graduates of Berkeley, with one describing herself as an "aspiring journalist" and "teacher-activist-writer") this is another reason why we fly drones over that border, to keep Iranians out of Iraq, and to keep hikers on the right trail. Regret not doing the Appalachian Trail now, kids?

Another Bite of Apple

In January of this year, Apple CEO Steve Jobs took a leave of absence, saying that his health issues "are more complex than originally thought." Almost as complex as trying to explain how Apple got away with announcing that Jobs had a liver transplant in March - but failing to announce it until late June - the same week the newest, bestest iPhone was released. Well, it gets deeper: Google CEO Eric Schmidt resigned from Apple's Board of Directors this week, citing "conflicts of interest." Conflicts, indeed - much like Microsoft buying a huge stake in Apple in the late, dark 1990s, then the two running funny commercials bashing each other ever since. Google has its own smart phone, and myriad apps on the way. Maybe when Jobs reappears as a droid we will finally know the truth. We are, in fact, living in the Matrix, and suckers for any toy that distracts and feeds our egos.

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Other Fun Stuff to Ponder

A striking moment of honesty, leaked from the Pentagon: Colonel Timothy Reese wrote a candid report stating that "the American presence in Iraq has outlived its welcome and thus it was time for 'the US to declare victory and go home.'" Didn't Bush already do that with 'Mission Accomplished'? We're still at war? Wait, let me check my iPhone... In related budget-busting news: Congress is racing to approve another $2 billion for the "Cash for Clunkers" program, where people bring their old gas-guzzling deathboxes to dealers and drive off in a Ford Focus. Seriously, didn't we already buy Detroit during the bailout? Also, if you haven't heard, GOP Senators are still debating Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor's credentials - Accept it, boys, she's of Puerto Rican descent, and you are no longer in power - Suck it!

Kulongoski Ousts
Adams & OLCC

In several bold moves this week, Oregon Governor Ted Kulongoski dragged Portland Mayor Sam Adams into a back room and beat him senseless until Adams resigned, disgraced and a dirty liar about seducing a teenage boy named Breedlove. Then Kulongoski fired the entire OLCC and signed sweeping legislation to allow individuals to make their own booze with stills and weed - Yes, you heard it right, marijuana is totally legal now! Then the Governor woke from his nap, shook his head slightly, sober and awake, he then went back to work, leading a state that refuses to pay sales tax but protests higher property taxes, is still dependent of timber and extractable industries yet really, really wants to go green, and is totally broke. Good luck, Governor.

Our Beer Is Safe!

Well at least if you're a big fan of Widmer's Hefe... At question was a proposal to filter Portland's Bull Run drinking water supply for crypto. The plan at the behest of the EPA had support from what appeared to be the bulk of Portland commissioners despite a $300-million-plus price tag. But it hit a wall when skeptical citizens and Portland's craft brewing industry, led by brothers Kurt and Rob Widmer, revolted against the plan.

The Widmers, who rely on the Bull Run water, for their beer worried that a filtration would irreversibly alter the signature flavor of their beers. In a surprise vote last week, though, the city council voted to scrap the filtration plan in favor of a less costly UV treatment plan, keeping Portlanders beer safe and their water just slightly sunburned.


Catch and Release
Did you hear the one about the guy who crashed an imaginary helicopter into the Ochocos and walked away from it? Happened last week outside Prineville when police found Mick Allen Rich stumbling down a Crook County road. Before challenging a deputy to a fight, Rich recalled that he had just been in a helicopter accident that left two others injured and stranded. Only after scrambling an AirLink helicopter from Bend and readying a search and rescue squad did authorities determine that Rich was intoxicated and concocting the whole story. The best part is that Rich, who according to news reports has an extensive history of DUI's, was released less than 12 hours after his arrest because the jail doesn't have room for "non-violent" offenders.
Hmmmm. Let's see... extensive drunk driving history, challenges police to fight. What could possibly go wrong? WTF!?


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