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Take A Memo: Our favorite interrogations, Chavez's handshake, Cletus, and more 

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a garbage dump, after

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The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a garbage dump, after cleaning up cigarette butts, patchouli packaging, and signage from recent "Earth Day" events statewide, on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

Waterboarded, How Many Times?

"If you look at what this really comprises, if you look at the documents that have been made public, it says 'top secret' at the top. The definition of top secret is information which, if revealed, would cause grave harm to U.S. security." offered former CIA top-snoop-chief Michael Hayden, when informed that the Obama Administration has released details of top secret (i.e. over-the-top) interrogation (= torture) techniques. Among the memos released was the disturbing acknowledgement that two top al Qaeda suspects were waterboarded at least 266 times. 266 - one was drowned (all in jest) for over 30 seconds at a time. Good thing Bush reassured us that "America does not torture." While releasing the memos, Obama staffers noted that those involved in the actual techniques should not be prosecuted yet deftly did not include immunity for those who drafted the techniques, like Hayden, John Yoo, and others in the Bush-Cheney junta all too eager to cite "security" and "terror" as reasons why BDSM at the CIA should go undisclosed.

Keeping Our Friends Close, And Enemies Enslaved

In addition to outing repressed homosexuality at the CIA, Obama kept more of his many campaign promises (including Socialism, conversion to Islam, and using a new dog to distract us from major issues) by "engaging" Raul Castro of Cuba and, now, South America's sexiest Fascist since Pinochet - Hugo Chavez. You know Chavez, the "democratically elected" leader who has since stripped Venezuela's constitution of term limits to ensure service akin to the Bush/Clinton/Bush/Obama-Biden-Clinton oligarthy, and ships cheap oil to Americans who hate him so much that we burn his cheap oil immediately upon receipt. This is getting interesting; China is now complaining of too many greenbacks worldwide, India is outsourcing our outsourced tech support, Canada is threatening to no longer export hockey, so we're pulling a Cortez and invading South America once more - Obama the conquistador, underwritten by Coca-Cola and Goldman Sachs.

Self-Loathing Anti-Semites (Including You, After Reading This)

So you're having an "anti-racism" conference in Switzerland and looking for a fine kickoff speaker. Well, if you're the United Nations, of course you invite peacenik Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. A match made in Hades: The Iranian President, who has promised to "wipe Israel off the planet," and the United Nations, the excellent organization that allows Palestinians to live in homeless camps and be bombed indiscriminately every time someone slings a stone at Israel. Squatters for six decades on the Palestinians' land of eons, Israel invokes the Holocaust more often than your mother brings up the time you shat yourself in grade school. This is awesome stuff; the U.S. refused to attend the anti-racism conference (confirming we are pro-racism), and dozens of delegates from other nations walked out of Ahmadinejad's opening address on Monday, after he accused Israel of making "an entire nation [Palestine] homeless under the pretext of Jewish suffering... in order to establish a totally racist government." Next up: An anti-illiteracy conference in Crook County with guess lecturer Cletus from The Simpsons, to be followed by a book burning at dusk.

Shipwreck Sales and Larry the Oracle Ellison

97-year-old Millvina Dean sold 17 items for about $8,000 on Saturday, which is nothing too exciting for an elder cleaning house, except Dean was trying to pay for two months at her nursing home, and she needed $50,000 --- Oh, and she's a survivor of the Titantic, and sold the canvas bag used to lift her as an infant from a lifeboat to a rescue ship. On the opposite end of the spectrum is Oracle Software's Larry Ellison, who offered $7.4 billion for Sun Microsystems; known for his lavish lifestyle, replete with yachts, art, and a concubine, Ellison was last seen laughing and urinating into a canvas bag he bought cheap off an old English lady.

Ron Paul and That Tea Party

In the category of Think Before You Speak, inept congressman turned populist hero Ron Paul offered the following: "We as a nation have endorsed secession all along. Think of all of the secession of the countries and the republics from the Soviet system. We were delighted. We love it." In the category of Those We Wish Would Secede, a week after Bend hosted a "Tea Party" on tax day, the question remains: Who will pay for all of the roads that these anti-tax, -government protestors drove into Bend on, most of them in giant pickups and SUVs? "Tea Bag Obama" is a vile notion (yet very sensual, if done right) from the porn industry - Read Mick's lips: Turn off Fox (and NPR), if you're carrying a banner use spell-check, and know that America paid for our revolution through foreign debt - it makes our allies invested in our success, and why China has no choice but to hold our notes. And, to that d-bag who asked for my information without giving his, your self-appointed position as protector and censor of the American people is as tenuous as your marriage; while you were at the tea party, your wife was having a tea-bagging party with your liberal neighbor.

WTF!? Crooked River Rescue

Most people have heard about what appears to the unfortunate drowning death of OSU student Alex Thompson who went missing after trying to swim across the Crooked River at Smith Rock State Park with a group of friends on Saturday afternoon. As of Tuesday, searchers still hadn't found his body, extending the family's uncertainty and prolonging the public drama that has played out over the past few days. But what Upfront can't understand is how irrigators who decided over the weekend to reduce flows from Bowman Dam to assist searchers could reverse that decision just a day later. But that's what they did on Monday. And by Tuesday searchers were already scaling back their efforts and saying that divers would have to be out of the water by Wednesday as flows ramped up. The official reason is that warm weather has sent melting snow pack into upstream reservoirs. But anyone who has seen these reservoirs in winter and early spring knows they hold more water than that explanation. If it turns out that irrigators are just unwilling to wait for water on spring crops, they're going to have a lot of explaining to do. We would hope this year's hay crop could wait until a grieving family has the body of its son back for a proper burial. WTF!?


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