Reason #12: Miley Cyrus is hosting Saturday Night Live this week (Sat March 5, NBC, 11:30 pm), with musical guests the Strokes. Everything about that last sentence - especially the mention of Miley Cyrus - is unlikable. For comparison, here's a more likable sentence: Seeping Chest Wound is hosting a Dysentery Vegan Potluck this week, with anal itching guests the Genital Wart Marching Band.
Reason #13: I liked Miley Cyrus better when she was a young dumb hick with a mouthful of busted Chiclets for teeth. Now that she is attempting to portray herself as a sexy adult, she reminds me of my aunt Wanda after she drank four Long Island Iced Teas and fell asleep topless under the tanning lamp.
Reason #14: Billy Ray Cyrus is her father.
Reason #15: And OMG! What a total douche-thermos he is! He's got greasy hair, wears his shirt open to his navel, and has a totally gross soul patch on his chin (which looks like Tila Tequila's nethers after a tragic vadge waxing accident).
Reason #16: Even worse, Billy Ray Cyrus - who is famous for exactly two things: singing the extremely unlikable song "Achy Breaky Heart" and making a sperm contribution that resulted in his bucktoothed unlikable daughter - is now blaming Disney and "Los Angeles" (via a GQ interview) for turning Miley into an unrepentant salvia bong huffer! WAIT. Let me back up...
Reason #17: Miley Cyrus is an unrepentant salvia bong huffer. Recently, she was videotaped at a party lung-wrestling a bong packed with the hallucinatory (but legal) substance salvia, and her hillbilly douchetard dad hit the roof! Hey, I'd be furious, too! What kind of idiot smokes salvia when tons of high-quality ganoobie doobie just arrived from the jungles of Colombia? (Note: While I hate pot and potheads... I hate fake pot and fake potheads more.)
Reason #18: Where was I? OH YEAH! So Billy Ray Cyrus watched the YouTube of his fake pothead daughter smoking her fake hillbilly pot, and he was all like: "GAW-AW-AW-LEEE! Mah daughter done been rooned by Satan! Durrrrr!!!" And: "Duhhhhh!! Ah shore do wish she ain't never done no Hanner Montaner telebishion show!" THAT MAKES TWO OF US, YOU BLITHERING HAYSEED.
Reason #19: Crap. I thought I had 20 reasons... Wait! Now I remember! GUYS. Miley Cyrus almost "rooned" the Justin Bieber movie! (Yes, I saw the Justin Bieber movie... is there a problem, probation officer?) For reasons that almost make me hate Beebs, he did a duet with this dentally damaged ding-a-ling, which almost made me vomit my Goobers into my popcorn! UGH!! It was like an angel falling face-first into a pile of rusty heroin needles!
Reason #20: Miley Cyrus has more money than me. WHICH SHE USES TO BUY FAKE POT!!! Did I mention she's got bad breath? [email protected]
thursday 3
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL The final ten are chosen! (Again, don't wake me up until the final six.)
10:00 ANI PIG BOMB About the wild pig population explosion in the U.S., and not how to make a bomb out of a pig. Truth in advertising, please!!
friday 4
8:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD MARATHON Seven episodes of goddamn brain eatin' zombies (and the people who decapitate them).
10:00 IFC ONION NEWS NETWORK A special report on who may have kidnapped the president and replaced him with a teabagger.
saturday 5
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE Featuring the unlikable Miley Cyrus, and equally unlikable musical guests The Strokes.
sunday 6
9:00 NBC CELEBRITY APPRENTICE Season premiere! Donald Trump schools celebrity guests Gary Busey, Meatloaf, and... Lil' Jon? YESSS!
10:00 ANI TAKING ON TYSON Debut! Competitors take on heavyweight champion Mike Tyson... in professional pigeon racing? YESSS!
monday 7
8:00 ABC THE BACHELOR: THE WOMEN TELL ALL The rejected bachelorettes return to slag Brad and hear the tragic results of their STD tests.
8:00 FOX HOUSE Cuddy gets upsetting news which results in musical dream sequences. (Oh, Glee - what hath thou wrought?)
tuesday 8
8:00 FOX GLEE Gwyneth Paltrow returns to teach the (shudder) sex education class! GROSS! GROSS! GROSS!
9:00 FOX RAISING HOPE Jimmy's cousin blows into town with his new wife and... umm... three new "brother-husbands."
wednesday 9
10:00 MTV THE REAL WORLD Season premiere! Season 25 begins with the roomies moving into their Las Vegas pad (which should be covered in plastic, if you ask me).
10:00 TLC HOARDING: BURIED ALIVE A hoarder is forced to choose between his daughter and his hoard. (Why not start hoarding daughters?)
