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The Anniversary Column: O-merica turns one, Congress gets hacked and Karzai gets backed 

O-merica turns one, Congress gets hacked and Karzai gets backed.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from Big Pink, letting his creative juices fester, on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

A Year Later

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Oprah was weeping, Michelle as elegant as Jackie-Ohhh, and Barack's hair not so gray. Now the ballroom is empty, balloons, confetti and used condoms on the floor, yet hot air still lingering. Where did the time go? This week we celebrate the anniversary of Obama's historic win over creepy McCain and psycho Palin. Let's look at the progress: Hate crimes now include sexual orientation, gender or gender identity (legislation aptly attached to a $680 defense spending bill, including another $130 billion for Afghanistan and Iraq); obviously we're remaining in the aforementioned foreign countries and now using drones to blast suspected terrorists in Pakistan and God knows where else; "Don't ask, don't tell" may be overturned; Cheney remains free and un-indicted; GITMO is still a BDSM icon and no one wants its occupants... Yep, a year after electing an über-liberal-socialist-muslim-non-caucasian, we've gone gay, remain violent and our 2nd Amendment rights still intact, yet utterly unemployed. Don't get pessimistic, though: The stock market is cranking, new GDP figures showed a leap in industry (mostly due to government spending); Ford posted a surprising $997 million profit; and New Orleans has been rebuilt - Its football team, at least.

Our Congress,
Criminals Included

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Reporting a "serious hack" of its computers, the Congressional Ethics Office informed Congress that all of them are being investigated. Well, not all of them, but at least 30 and myriad aides, according to The Washington Post. Who did the hacking, you may ask? Well, follow the disclosures and who will benefit most from the outing: 23 Democrats were listed - sigh, none from Oregon, sadly - by far the majority of fine representatives being investigated. John Murtha (D-CA) has been in the crosshairs for years, suspected of kickbacks for military contracts, and New York's beloved Charlie Rangel (as reported here earlier) forgot to file millions in income and real estate, despite being chairman of the tax-code writing committee. Who says power doesn't corrupt? Republicans will surely use this "clandestinely obtained" information in the upcoming elections - Elections that Republicans were swept from power last time, because most of them are now on trial or in jail - Except for Cheney, Bush, Yoo, Gonzales etc. etc.

Speaking of Elections: Congrats, Karzai!

Saying a redo election would be as fraudulent as the first, former Foreign Minister of Afghanistan, Abdullah Abdullah, withdrew from the November 7th runoff on Sunday, telling reporters, "I want this to be an example for the future so that no one again tries to use fraud to abuse the rights of the Afghan people." Appointed by the Bush Admin, Afghan president Hamid Karzai was immediately named winner of the disputed election on Monday, despite not getting enough votes in the first, despite over a thousand complaints of ballot stuffing, followed by the resignations of election officials in dispute. Abettors as impotent as the EPA under the Bush Admin, the US embassy responded to Abdullah's withdrawal by saying, "The United States looks forward to working with the next puppet government - err, Afghan administration - and with the Afghan people and our partners in the international community to support Afghanistan's progress towards peace and stability."

CIA = Constantly Illicit Actions

In related news sure to piss you off when you pay your taxes, the New York Times reported that Hamid Karzai's brother has been on the CIA payroll for the past eight years. Congrats on winning another term, Karzai and kin! As continually reported by Upfront (ad nauseum to our editors), Ahmed Wali Karzai is scum - one of the world's biggest opium kingpins, governor of the Kandahar region which grows more drugs than all of my medical marijuana brokers combined - and now, a narc. And you thought Iran-Contra was illicit?

Say What?

Taylor Mitchell, 19, was found dead in a national park in Nova Scotia last week, killed by coyotes; Mitchell was remembered as a "rising folk singer," which is simply too much comedic material to touch for such a sad story. Our Navy showed an ally our love by firing several rounds (accidentally) from a new M240 machine gun into the small Polish village of Gdynia last week - Oops! So sorry! No one was injured, and Poland confused the incident as a compliment, and part of the new missile defense shield. The Pentagon reported that it spent over $22,000 for each new military recruit in order to meet its targets (the first successful campaign in years, mostly due to violent video games and a crap economy).

One Last Word

Gosselin: Defined by the Upfront dictionary as vile excrement that shouldn't be allowed to reproduce. Another word, plus two: Child Protective Services. Who watches this crap, and who cares other than a media that ignores real issues? Don't you feel used when a celebrity has a "controversy" then returns with a new show or album? "This Is It!" indeed...

Department of Corrections and Clarifications

An Oct. 14 story about the impact of the recession on local not-for profits failed to mention that the High Desert Museum is honoring passes issued by Working Wonders Children's Museum, which closed its doors recently due to a lack of funding.

Additionally, we inadvertently re-ran the same Freewill Astrology column the weeks of Oct. 21 and Oct. 28, due to an editing error. If you're wondering what your horoscope said, just look to the stars.

Like my five year old, The Source regrets all that stuff we did wrong.


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