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The Crime Bowl 

I have a deeply rooted psychological problem, and... wait. What do you mean, "No shit, Sherlock"? For all you know, YOU'RE the one with a deeply rooted psychological problem, and I'M the one who's AWESOME... and NORMAL! Now I'll happily admit that my feelings toward the Super Bowl (CBS, Sun Feb 7, 3 pm) run counter to that of most of the nation. Half of you, for example, love the spectacle of steroid-addled meatloafs giving each other concussions and chasing a ball around a field for the opportunity to score a touchdown and feel up each others' asses on the sideline. (Actually, that doesn't sound half bad... but don't interrupt me! I'm on a roll!) The other half don't give two poops about football, and are instead fans of zany and wildly expensive Super Bowl commercials (that are almost as homoerotic as the real life sideline ass grabs - I'm looking at YOU, Snickers!). And because I hate both of those things, I'M THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY CRAZY ONE??

(Quick note! This is not to say I dislike homoerotica. I just dislike homophobes displaying homoerotica. It's not as sexy. Onward!)

What infuriates me most about the Super Bowl is that all the other networks simply give up and refuse to offer any entertaining counter programming. Hey other networks! What about the other .00001% of us who hate the Super Bowl? Don't we get any choices?? That's why I've decided to skip TV entirely this coming Sunday, and go on a crime spree. That's right - I'm going to engage in a multitude of criminal endeavors, and no one will be able to stop me, because they're too busy with their head up their patoots watching the Super Bowl. (Actually, it would be interesting if I had a TV installed in my lower intestine... but don't interrupt me! I'm on a roll!)

Here are the crimes I intend to commit during this Sunday's Super Bowl - and just you try to catch me, you stinkin' coppers!

* Try on Underpants! Look out, world! I'll be going to the Victoria's Secret store in the mall, and trying on all the ladies underpants. Then I'm going to scoot around on my ass like a dog! THAT'S A CRIME, BTW!

* Breaking and Entering and Sexting! During the game, I'll break into your home, borrow your cell phone and "sext" dirty pictures of my penis to Chris Hansen of NBC's To Catch a Predator. To make matters worse I'll write, "I'm 14 Going on 35!" on my wang. THAT'S ILLEGAL! (And funny.)

* Smoke Dope! And a lot of it. And did I mention I'll be stealing this dope from a cancer patient? AGAINST THE LAW! (But morally it's okay, because the cancer patient is a hippie.)

* Make Illegal Bets on the Super Bowl! I'll travel hours into the future, learn who won the Super Bowl, return, and bet a million dollars on the team destined to win! (How will I travel into the future? With the time machine I build in the future! I'll simply go to the future, pick up my time machine, bring it back, and... ummm... wait. YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEM!!)

I Love Television™: Where crime occasionally pays. steve@portlandmercury.com

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