When it comes to award ceremonies, there is nothing worse than the People's Choice Awards - except the Sophie's Choice Awards. (SHE MAKES THE SAME CHOICE EVERY YEAR!!!) If you ask me, you shouldn't let "the people" decide anything - present company excluded. As a general rule, "the people" are dumber than a pool of saliva, and have absolutely no business making any decisions that actually matter. And that includes deciding which TV shows and characters are "best"!
Now the reason my thong's all in a knot is because the nominations for the 2011 People's Choice Awards came out this past week - and the results are particularly ignorant and drooly! Take for example "the people's" nominations for "Favorite Network TV Drama": There's House, there's Grey's Anatomy, there's The Good Wife, there's Supernatural, and there's The Vampire Diaries. THE VAMPIRE DIARIES??? I'd rather watch somebody dangle a powdered doughnut over the head of a diabetic fat kid. Now that's drama!
And "the People's" choice for favorite band is even worse!! Coldplay?? Foo Fighters?? Linkin Park?? Maroon 5?? Red Hot Chili Peppers?? Did "the People" travel from the year 1998 just to annoy the poop out of me??
Okay, so that's why I've decided to say "SCREW THE PEOPLE" and hereby ban the People's Choice Awards from the universe - FOREVER - and replace them with the far more reasonable and far less democratic "Humpy's Choice Awards!" And the nominations go a little something like this:
"Best Network TV Drama": There aren't any, because they all stink. WORK HARDER, NETWORKS!!
"Most Annoying Woman on TV": Gwyneth Paltrow in Glee; Zooey Deschanel in New Girl; Gwyneth Paltrow in Glee; and Gwyneth Paltrow in Glee.
"Most Annoying Man on TV": The entire cast of Entourage; Ashton Kutcher in anything; Matthew Morrison (Will Schuester) in Glee; and Gwyneth Paltrow in Glee.
"Best Freaking Show on TV": AMC's Breaking Bad; FX's American Horror Story; Adult Swim's The Heart, She Holler; Adult Swim's Children's Hospital; FOX's Raising Hope; occasional episodes of AMC's Mad Men and The Walking Dead; the first season of FX's Louie; and any T-Mobile commercial starring that super cute girl in the pink dress.
"Worst Freaking Show on TV": AMC's The Walking Dead when they're just moping around instead of bashing zombie heads; Any Law & Order spin-off or show whose title is made up of initials; Three quarters of any episode of Glee; and any reality show that's based around singing, dancing, designing clothes, cooking, modeling, racing around the world, castaways, too many children, housewives, ice road trucking, house flippers, or drunk oversexed Italians.
"Best Song Ever Written Ever": R. Kelly's "Ignition (Remix)"; there are no other nominations.
"Best Name for a Dog": Rowdy; Monsieur Rufferson; Lil' Bow Wow (the dog); Gwyneth Paltrow; Hello Kitty; Pavlov's Human; Marmaduke Goldstein; Waffles; Chopper Sic Balls; Butt Trumpet; Violent J.; Cardinal Thomas Stafford Williams, the Archbishop Emiritus of Wellington; General Colon Bowel; and "Karen."
"Best Underpaid Weekly TV Columnist": Wm.™ Steven Humphrey; and R. Kelly's "Ignition (Remix)".
(GODDAMMIT!! HOW DID "IGNITION" GET NOMINATED?!?)
Voted most favorite Twitter maker! @WmSteveHumphrey