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The Ice Concussions Cometh 

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Don't get me wrong - I like sports. I just don't like the sports everyone else seems so crazy about. I don't like basketball (AKA the "sport of fools"), but I do like office chair bowling (where you hide in the corner of your office, and when someone walks in, you sling your roll-y chair at them as fast as you can in an attempt to knock them off their feet - extra points if you crack their femur!). I also don't like football (AKA the "sport of meatheads") but I do like genital Xeroxing. Now some people claim that genital Xeroxing is not a sport - but those people have never coerced their officemates into seeing how many genitals can be Xeroxed in 30 seconds (our office record is 27 - TOP THAT, MICROSOFT!).


But sincerely, one of the most idiotic sports ever conceived has to be ice-skating. If God had wanted us to be on skates, he wouldn't be melting the polar ice caps. THINK ABOUT IT! The only place ice belongs is in my highball, and underneath my testicles that one time Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey the First kicked me in the scrabble bag.

OKAY, actually I've reconsidered my position, and have suddenly decided I love ice-skating! Here's why: 1) The chicks wear mini-skirts. I don't understand why anyone would wear something that skimpy while skating in minus 17-degree weather, but maybe it helps in bamboozling the public into thinking this is a sport. 2) There is no number two. And 3) people fall on their ass - HARD. Usually I have to stand around outside for hours on an icy street corner to watch a couple of people slip, fly up in air, and come crashing painfully (and hilariously!) down on their ass. But with ice-skating, these guys are falling on their asses all the time - and in mini-skirts!

So obviously I have a love/hate relationship with ice-skating. And that's why I intend to have a love/hate relationship with yet another new celebrity competition show debuting this week: Skating with the Stars (ABC, Monday, Nov 22, 9 pm). Obviously this show is almost exactly like the increasingly lame Dancing with the Stars, except it will be better because a) it's on ice, and b) stars getting concussions are funnier than normal people getting concussions.

Also like in Dancing with the Stars, the show is populated with Z-list celebs paired up with pro skaters. Together they must learn technical figure skating routines, and perform them before a live audience and a panel of persnickety judges. And because you sincerely don't care (and who can blame you), I'm only going to mention the most famous of the contestants, and they are Bethenny Frankel (Real Housewives of New York), rocker Vince Neil (Mötley Crüe) and Sean Young (Blade Runner, and begging the entirety of Hollywood for a job - any job - since 1994).

Together these "celebrities" will battle it out on ice to see who is the least horrible skater, and who can make me laugh the hardest while gaining significant brain injury. (And if Sean Young somehow survives, and is still looking for a job? Hey, somebody's got to mop up the blood!)

Everything's better in a mini-skirt. steve@portlandmercury.com

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