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The Land Of The Free: Polanski comes home, McVeigh exhumed, Facebook polls, and more 

Polanski comes home, McVeigh exhumed, Facebook polls, and more.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a Peanut Festival (where else?), wondering about allergies and, more so, the Polish sausage he just inhaled, on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

Osama, You're Next!

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So maybe he did have sex with a 13-year-old girl and plead guilty to it in 1977, then fled to France so he wouldn't have to serve any time. But he couldn't accept his Oscar for Best Director for "The Pianist" in 2003 for fear of arrest - wasn't that punishment enough? Guess not: Someone in bankrupt and burning California (where teens having sex with actors is suddenly taboo) took the time to regularly track Polanski's whereabouts until, at last, the director was taken into custody while flying into Switzerland on Saturday. Of course France (where sex with minors is deemed chic) still sides with Polanski - an even dirtier old man at 76, however talented - with the country's culture minister citing the director's "exceptional artistic creation and human qualities." Up Next: Michael Bay is arrested for "Pearl Harbor" and "Transformers 2."

Another Reason
Why F#c!book Sux

Allow anyone to build another stupid online application that all your "friends" invite you to join and this is what happens: The president gets killed. Yep, you read that right - Facebook (the 3rd most inane site, only eclipsed by Twitter and actually had a poll asking if President Obama should be killed. What?!? With responses ranging from "yes," "maybe," "if he cuts my health care," to the very merciful "no." The poll drew the attention of the Secret Service and was quickly pulled from Facebook. Please, Secret Service, find every user who voted "yes" and arrest them, especially whoever created this sick poll. Pretend killings are big fun in children's video games and Civil War re-enactions, but this is out of hand. In the deepest depths of our suspicions and outrage towards the Bush Admin, did anyone mention killing Dubya (Cheney being another matter)?

Speaking of Freedom
of Speech

This is how you play it if you're Humana, the largest insurer of senior citizens: When a president you couldn't bribe with campaign donations speaks of reform, you tell your millions of aged customers that their benefits will be cut or dropped outright. See why we need reform yet? Then, when this "liberal" and "reformist" (AKA "Socialist" and "illegal immigrant") president and investigators probe Humana's reckless and irresponsible actions, GOP bribe-takers (the party of pro-business of course) came to defend Humana, with Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) saying the insurance behemoth's "freedom of speech" rights were being interfered with, as Humana has every right to inform (i.e., lie, distort, and/or scare the crap out of) its overcharged and under-covered customers.

Why America Is Great

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The GOP isn't the only pathetic political party. The other, Democratic, is in disarray about health care reform, with Max Baucus (D-Montana) facing increased pressure to add a "public option" to his newly released health care overhaul legislation. Baucus has been bought and sold more times than a 1984 Honda (we're getting redundant, but the Senator charged with "reforming" health care has taken over $2.5 million from the health care industry - a swell choice, Obama Admin!) so he's now taking heat from his own party and the 253 people he represents in Montana. "Senator Baucus, when you take millions of dollars from health and insurance interests that oppose reform, and oppose giving families like mine the choice of a public option, I have to ask: 'Whose side are you on?'" wonders Montana farmer Bing Perrine in the 60-second commercial now running in Baucus' home-state. Adding insult that may exceed Baucus being chosen to "reform" anything, Senators Chuck Schumer and Jay Rockefeller have introduced amendments to add a public option (i.e. actual competition for Baucus' cronies/contributors) to the pending legislation.

Wordsmith and Nixon Mistress, William Safire, RIP

The dichotomy of American media has died at age 79; William Safire, Nixon's speechwriter and later a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist for The New York Times, passed from pancreatic cancer on Sunday. A college dropout (from Syracuse University, like Lou Reed and Stephen Crane), Safire is famous for putting together the "kitchen debate" between then-VP Richard Nixon and Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev in 1959, then became beloved by liberals for writing the language column for The Times. Credited with giving disgraced VP Spiro Agnew the line that journalists are "nattering nabobs of negativism," Safire is now sitting beside Robert Novak in Hades, awaiting Satan's keen attention.

Another Conspiracy
is Born!

Fourteen years later, the FBI has finally released the tapes of the bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, with self-taught experts already pointing out that large chunks of footage prior to the explosion are missing. "The real story is what's missing," said Jesse Trentadue, a Salt Lake City attorney who obtained the recordings through the federal Freedom of Information Act. As conspiracy nuts point to what can't be seen (the hangar where the real moon-landing was filmed, the marionette strings on Dubya's arms et al.) the hundreds of tapes from buildings and businesses near the Pentagon on 9/11 remain unreleased.


We will soon bomb the crap out of Iran. Another celebrity will speak out about something he/she has no expertise in discussing. And, finally: A lovely 3 br, 2 ½ bathroom home in Bend will be sold this week, creating a superficial spike in housing sales.

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