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The Original Straight Poop© - Beware of Cheap Imitations 

Scoop Lewis, Ace Reporter, reviews the past week's biggest news stories both locally and globally.

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May 9

High-flying geezers: Former Republican Sen. Alan Simpson, 80, says AARP is "38 million people bound together by love of airline discounts" ... Meanwhile, House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) says Republicans want spending cuts in "trillions, not billions" before they'll OK increase in federal debt ceiling ... But he loves dumb blondes: Kevin Allen, a black contestant on "The Apprentice" who was fired by Donald Trump, tells Talking Points Memo that Trump "doesn't like educated African-Americans very much" ... "Kicker" reform kicked aside: Measure to put half of Oregon's "kicker" tax refund into rainy-day fund gets sidetracked in state Senate; fate uncertain.

Tuesday, May 10

Gone but not forgotten: CIA says it's getting a new lead every hour from mountains of data seized by Navy SEALs who killed Osama bin Laden ... Omar bin Laden says US broke law by killing his dad, should have turned him over for trial like Slobodan Milosevic and Saddam Hussein ... Voters to Trump: You're fired! New poll finds Donald Trump getting only 8 percent of potential GOP primary voters, down from 26 percent a month ago ... Saw this one coming: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver announce they've separated after 25 years ... No points for puns: Bipartisan team of Oregon state senators to compete in Bend's Pole, Pedal, Paddle May 21; Sen. Chris Telfer (R-Bend) to be honorary captain. Team name: "Capitol Punishment." Ouch.

Wednesday, May 11

The harder they fall: Billionaire former hedge fund manager Raj Rajaratnam convicted on 14 counts of fraud and conspiracy; could get 25 years. He'll appeal ... Return of The Newt: Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, attempting reincarnation as Tea Party hero, announces he's running for Republican presidential nomination, promises to cut taxes, kill health care reform and eliminate EPA ... Perfect storm? Oregon Bureau of Labor and Industry charges Typhoon! restaurant chain, which has restaurant in Bend, with exploiting Thai immigrant workers ... Wanna buy a really ugly hat? Bizarre hat worn at royal wedding by Princess Beatrice, which mere words cannot describe, to be auctioned off on eBay for charity ... How about a really ugly sweater? Ratty cardigan worn by Jeff Bridges in "The Big Lebowski" to be auctioned this weekend in Beverly Hills, moth holes included.

Thursday, May 12

How low can they go? Kenya beefs up police protection for President Obama's 88-year-old step-grandmother, Sarah Obama, after Al Qaeda threatens to kill her ... Starting the whining early: Newt Gingrich, on Faux News, says if 2012 election is "fair" Obama can't win ... Things are looking up: State economists projecting Oregon will have $130 million more revenue in coming biennium than they figured ... Miracle man: 87-year-old Nigerian faith healer Bello Maasaba has 86 wives. His secret is prayer and bulk purchases of Viagra ... Definitely a Darwin Award finalist: Travis Hood, 27, of Hillsboro, practicing quick-draw skills with .357 magnum, shoots life-size cardboard figure of Don Michael Corleone, bullet goes through wall, shatters flat-screen TV. Hood charged with reckless endangering.

Friday, May 13

Osama's private stash: Cache of pornography reported found in the late Osama bin Laden's lair; described as modern and "fairly sophisticated" ... Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi, who had been reported injured, releases audio tape taunting NATO: "I tell the cowardly crusader that I live in a place they cannot reach and where you cannot kill me" ... Only in America: Stephen Colbert files to set up PAC for 2012 presidential campaign. "I believe in the American dream. Anybody, no matter who they are, if they are willing to work hard enough, some day they could grow up to create a legal entity which could then receive unlimited corporate funds which then could be used to influence our elections," he says ... Spider-Man lives! Horrendously expensive Broadway musical "Spider-Man: Take Back the Dark" reopens after extensive makeover ... First the geese, now this: Controversy stirred by trapping and killing of cougar that had been making Bend's Deschutes River Woods neighborhood nervous for past week.

Saturday, May 14

Thus is gross: Dominique Strauss-Kahn, head of the International Monetary Fund and likely French presidential contender, arrested in NYC for allegedly attempting to rape a hotel maid ... This is grosser: Disney Corp. applies for trademark on "Seal Team 6," name of elite Navy commando unit that killed bin Laden ... The Big Uneasy: Army Corps of Engineers releases water from mammoth Morganza Spillway in hope of saving New Orleans from rampaging Mississippi ... Just didn't feel right: Mike Huckabee announces on his Faux News show he won't run for president. "All the factors say go, but my heart says no," he says ... Too many hits? Derek Boogard, former "enforcer" for Minnesota Wild and NY Rangers hockey teams, found dead in Minneapolis apartment.

Sunday, May 15

To the brink: US to reach its debt limit on Monday; Treasury says country will be in default by August if it isn't raised ... Unhappy anniversary: At least 12 killed as Palestinians demonstrating on anniversary of Israel's independence clash with security forces ... Not just New Orleans: Rising John Day River forces evacuations in towns of John Day, Prairie City ... Should've stuck with baton twirling: Miss USA hopeful Shaletta Porterfield drops out after being charged with identity theft for forging signatures on advertising contracts ... Another Darwin Award contender: Young man posing for "planking" photo on seventh-story balcony in Brisbane, Australia falls to death.


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