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The Perfect Yemen Cake: Padded underwear, G-Spot research, Rush's indigestion problems and more! 

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from IM, reading his lover's lustful messages to another man, wondering whether to burn her belongings or start Twittering the text, on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

Which is More Dangerous?

The hypocrisy presently on display rivals an IRS agent at a Tea Party; take a good look at our elected "leaders" still scrambling to score political points on the failed Christmas Day Detroit bombing. Nigerian/Yemeni underwear are indeed dangerous and, apparently, a blessing for GOP fear-mongers. Blasting "weak-kneed Liberals" and citing a plethora of security and intelligence failures, Pete Hoekstra (R-Mich) sent out a fundraising email for his gubernatorial campaign, conveniently ignoring that he's a ranking member of the House Intelligence Committee. Jim DeMint (R-SC) may be the biggest jackass, though, as he blamed Obama and unions for the bombing attempt, conveniently ignoring that he put a procedural hold on any possible approval of Obama's nominee to head the TSA and voted against funding the TSA in early 2009. How did Omar Abdulmutallab get past airline security in Nigeria and Europe?
According to DeMint, it's because TSA screeners in America might be allowed to unionize some day. In real news - you know, not just a bunch of sociopaths slinging sh*t at each other and wasting our time and tax dollars - The failed bombing was obviously justification enough for us to invade the poorest Arab country last week. Yep, you heard that right: Though the bomber was Nigerian, he "may have" received training from al Qaeda wannabes in Yemen, so our embassies in both countries are now closed and Saudi Arabian planes (paid for by our oil addiction, along with the allowances of 1,000-plus inbred royal family members) are pounding Yemeni locations suspected of being bases for "future terrorist attacks."

Related "Intelligence"

When seven CIA agents were killed last week in the Khost Province of Afghanistan, calls for payback came from on high. And then the full story (as if such a thing exists with the CIA) emerged: The Jordanian bomber was picked up by our agents outside of the heavily guarded Forward Operating Base Chapman then brought inside to blow himself and eight others to kingdom come. That's right, the bomber was a trusted informant for both our beloved CIA and Jordanian intelligence, and conveniently escorted into the compound to be closer to his targets. No one bothered to pat him down or check for explosives until too late; CIA officials are now saying the bomber was "flipped" and actually a double agent. Gee, ya think?

Why They Hate Us

Citing prosecutors' offers of immunity deals for testimonies, U.S. Federal Judge Ricardo Urbina dismissed all charges against the five Blackwater (now known as "Xe") mercenaries for slaughtering 17 Iraqis in September 2007. Two months ago (and reported here), it was revealed that Blackwater had approved $1 million in bribes for Iraqi officials to kill any investigation; it didn't work, as Iraq Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki filed a lawsuit in U.S. and Iraqi courts immedaiately after Judge Urbina dismissed the charges, revealing that "The U.S. Justice Department has protested against this decision," but they are "necessary measures to bring Blackwater to justice."

White Rhinos and
Other Dumb Criminals

An effigy of President Obama was found hanging in downtown Plains, Georgia, the hometown of Jimmy Carter, our 39th President and fellow Democrat. In late December, poachers killed a rare southern white rhino; 12 poachers and buyers were later arrested, all Kenyans, and this was one week after half of the world's eight total northern white rhinos were brought to Kenya in hopes they will reproduce and thrive. Attempted burglary and conspiracy suspects fleeing officers in Sacramento took a wrong turn this weekend when they ran onto a football field filled with police officers practicing for a game; tackled and bruised, certainly even dumber, the suspects were taken into custody and the cops continued practice.


click to enlarge upfromt_bobby-bowden-football.jpg

After winning the Minolta-Viagra Gator Bowl and ending a career that spanned 57 years, Florida State coach Bobby Bowden was informed that 14 wins will be stripped, leaving him with 375 total (2nd most in college football history) for academic cheating and other infractions; one whistleblower told NCAA investigators of illiterate FSU football players with IQs of around 50 being accepted as "player-athletes" - Coach Bowden said there ain't no such evidence of him knowin' nothin'. Boise State finished a perfect 14-0, beating previously unbeaten TCU 17-10; Oregon State won and the Ducks lost.


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