Anybody seen that new Thor movie? Yeah, neither have I.
But from the previews, I've gleaned one thing and that's the fact that Thor looks and probably acts almost exactly like Dirk Nowitzki. And judging from the way the lanky German is dominating the Thunder in the Western Conference Finals, maybe he is some sort of demigod. Right, I know, Thor is from the Norse tradition and Dirk is German, but wasn't Thor the god (or part god or whatever) of thunder? If that's the case, chalk a point up for Dirk, would ya pal, because he's definitely in charge of the Thunder right now.
And if you're slamming down your horn-adorned helmet and angrily stroking your massive blond and/or red beard at the effrontery that is my lack of Norse mythological knowledge, I'm sorry. But shouldn't you really be in line to see Thor again instead of reading this stupid sports column? Thor never reads sports columns, but you'd know that because you're an expert, right?
What were we talking about? Oh yeah, Dirk. The guy looks like a seven-foot version of your Phish-loving, travelling knife salesman cousin, but is majestic out on the court with his steeply parabolic shot being the only thing on the floor more beautiful than his golden locks. And he might just be - at least in these playoffs - the most effective player in the NBA. And by effective, I mean he has the ability to put the ball in the basket, not the alternative NBA definition of "effective" (adj. i'fektiv Successful in shouting homophobic slurs at fans and/or referees).
Kevin Durant, only slightly less lanky than Dirk (which probably bothers him... lanky guys are competitive like that. This is why Gumby and Big Bird never got along.) appeared to have pissed himself at the sight of Dirk's towering jump shot on Monday night, thus allowing his team to score only two points in the final five minutes of regulation, sending the game to overtime. Like Thor probably does (again, I haven't seen the movie), Dirk grabbed the Thunder in the palm of his god-like hand and crushed them mightily, outscoring the team on his own during the Mavericks semi-miraculous 15-point comeback. He finished the game with 40 points, which is 40 more points than Thor has ever scored in an NBA playoff game.
Also, is it a coincidence that both Dirk and Thor have four letters in their names? Or that both of those names could easily be used as a male adult film star pseudonym? Or that both "Dirk" and "Thor" would be apt names for energy drinks? The similarities are starting to get a little eerie, are they not? Come to think of it, I'm 90 percent sure that Dirk Nowitzki and Thor are the same person. I leave the 10 percent margin of uncertainty because after I didn't get raptured as planned on Saturday, I'm not completely sure of anything anymore.