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The Super-Duper Straight Poop From All Over 

Scoop Lewis, Ace Reporter, reviews the pasts weeks most noteworthy events.

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Jan. 31

Second Amendment fun: Utah Legislature considering a bill to make the Browning M1911 handgun the official state firearm. "It's an implement of freedom that has defended America for 100 years," said the bill's sponsor, Rep. Carl Wimmer. "This firearm is Utah" ... Unconscious irony: Former US Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, a chief architect of the Iraq war and supporter of torture, wins "Defender of the Constitution Award" from Conservative Political Action Conference. Must be a different Constitution than the one I know ... Family squabbles: Barbara Bush, daughter of ex-President George W. Bush, backs gay marriage initiative in New York; her dad supports an anti-gay marriage constitutional amendment ... Didn't get the memo: TeleSource Center, a telemarketing outfit, says it's moving to new offices in Bend to accommodate its growth. Somebody forgot to tell them they were supposed to leave Oregon after Measures 66 and 67 passed.

Tuesday, Feb. 1

Time running out: Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says he won't seek re-election, will step down when his term ends in September. Protesters say they want him gone, like, yesterday ... Standing pat: Gov. John Kitzhaber unveils his proposed budget, calling for no tax increases and holding the line on state spending ... More Second Amendment fun: Five South Dakota legislators introduce bill to require all state residents above age 21 to purchase a firearm. They say it's to prove President Obama's health care reform is unconstitutional. No, I don't get it either ... First things first: Ouida Wright and Aaron Hermes, a homeless couple in Green Bay, WI, win a trip to Super Bowl XLV. "We're lucky to get a can of soda or a movie and we're going to the Super Bowl!" says Wright ... Talkin' trash in Tinseltown: Joan Rivers tells reporters she thinks Charlie Sheen is "an ass." No argument here.

Wednesday, Feb. 2

Don't mess with the Pharaoh: Hundreds injured, at least six killed as thugs supporting Mubarak clash with protesters in Cairo; Anderson Cooper of CNN and other reporters beaten up ... Needs some fresh tinfoil? Glenn Beck blames the Egyptian democracy movement on a conspiracy of Hamas, the American anti-war group Code Pink and the Muslim Brotherhood to bring about "the destruction of the Western world" ... Snowpocalypse II! About three-fourths of the United States is buried by another ginormous blizzard; meanwhile, Punxsutawney Phil the groundhog predicts an early spring ... Looking Ducky: University of Oregon adds offensive punch by signing fleet-footed running back De'Anthony Thomas, aka "The Black Mamba." Making the deal even sweeter: The Ducks lured him away from USC.

Thursday, Feb. 3

Simply mahvelous, dahling: As bloodshed continues in Egypt, fashion designer Kenneth Cole tweets: "Millions are in uproar #Cairo. Rumor is they heard our new spring collection is available online." He quickly apologizes for being "insensitive" ... Tweaking the language: Under fire from women's groups, congressional Republicans remove the word "forcible" from a bill that would allow federal government to pay for abortions only in cases of "forcible rape" ... Just one dip, please: University of Oregon announces its Index of Economic Indicators for December is up for third month in a row, allaying fears of a double-dip recession ... Old habits die hard: James Fogle, 73, author of the autobiographical novel Drugstore Cowboy about his experiences holding up drugstores, pleads guilty to holding up a drugstore in Redmond, WA ... Gung hay fat choy, it's Chinese New Year! This is Year of the Rabbit, which is supposed to be a quiet period, providing a rest from the tumult of the preceding Year of the Tiger. We could use one.

Friday, Feb. 4

Tough beat to cover: Egyptian reporter Ahmed Mohammed Mahmoud dies of gunshot wound suffered a week ago, becoming first journalist fatality of the uprising ... Anderson Cooper, broadcasting from secret location after being beaten up and having his car window smashed by demonstrators on two separate occasions, admits he's "a little bit scared" ... The canonization continues: Conservatives gather in Santa Barbara, CA, to commemorate what would have been the 100th birthday of Ronald Reagan, aka "The Gipper"; half-term Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, aka "The Quitter," says America is on "road to ruin" ... Meanwhile, Politics Daily blog reports Sarah Palin® and Bristol Palin® have filed applications to trademark their names. Hey, if Mickey Mouse and Droopy Dog could do it ... Poor timing: Donald Rumsfeld, defense secretary under George W. Bush, says in new memoir that he should have resigned sooner. Right, about five years sooner.

Saturday, Feb. 5

Arrividerci, Cairo: Leadership of Egyptian ruling party resigns en masse, but Mubarak still hanging in there ... Anderson Cooper, however, decides he's had enough, tweets: "It is with a heavy heart that I have decided to leave #Egypt" ... Invasion of the drones: US Rep. Ron Wyden pushes to add more controversial drone test sites to appropriations bill, increasing chances Central Oregon will get one ... The high rollers are back: In a sign that the recession is over, at least for some of us, corporate spending on hotel rooms, entertainment, dining and other goodies during Super Bowl week is expected to exceed $200 million, breaking all records.

Sunday, Feb. 6

No truce in Egypt: Government leaders sit down for transition talks with opposition Muslim Brotherhood, but protesters still say Mubarak must go ... To the barricades again! Portland bikesters have their Lycra shorts in a knot over bill by state Rep. Mike Schaufler to outlaw listening to iPods while cycling ... Persona non grata: George W. Bush cancels planned trip to Switzerland because of threats there to have him arrested as a war criminal. Best stick to Texas, GW ... Billionaire talks tough: Bill Gates, who's pledged $10 billion to get kids vaccinated, rips into anti-vaccination crowd, says claim that vaccines cause autism is "an absolute lie that has killed thousands of kids" ... And in the really important news: Christina Aguilera flubs lyrics of the National Anthem at Super Bowl XLV. Also, the Green Bay Packers beat the Pittsburgh Steelers, 31-25.


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