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This Fresh Straight Poop Produced by Free-Range Reporters 

Scoop Lewis reviews the week's most news worth events

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Monday,
April 4
Well, that's comforting: Workers dumping more than 11,000 tons of radioactive water into the ocean in Japan; authorities say it poses no danger ... Thought they decided that already: Libyan government spokesman says Muammar Qaddafi is open to holding elections, but only the Libyan people can decide his future, not foreign powers ... An offer he can't refuse? Somebody sends US Rep. Peter King (R-NY) a bloody severed pig's foot. King recently held hearings on "The Extent of Radicalization in the American Muslim Community" ... What's that proverb about military "justice"? Reversing course, White House says Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, one of alleged masterminds of 9/11, will be tried by military tribunal instead of civilian court ... How sweet it is: Former carnival singer Michel "Sweet Mickey" Martelly elected president of Haiti. And how cool is it to have a president named Sweet Mickey?



Tuesday, April 5:
This really is comforting: Workers succeed in plugging leak in Japanese reactor that was spewing radioactive water into the ocean ... The Great Dick-tator: NATO accuses Qaddafi, who nobody except (maybe) his mother ever called "Sweet Muammar," of using human shields to protect his troops ... What a way to go: Sewage treatment plant in Gatlinburg, TN, collapses; workers recover two bodies from wreckage ... Dumber and dumberer: Former Tea Party Express spokesman Mark Williams, who resigned after making racist statements, says he plans to "infiltrate and sabotage" President Obama's reelection campaign. Yep, if you want to go undercover and sabotage something, first thing you do is announce it ... Let her rest already: Researchers in Italy say they've discovered last resting place of Lisa Gherardini, believed to be model for DaVinci's "Mona Lisa," and plan to dig her up to make sure.
Wednesday, April 6
The birthers are gonna love this: In rambling, incoherent letter, Qaddafi addresses President Obama as "Our dear son, Excellency, Baraka Hussein Abu oumama" and says he supports his reelection ... Another one bites the Euro: Portuguese Prime Minister Jose Socrates asks European Union for financial bailout, joining same club as Ireland and Greece. With a name like "Socrates" you'd think he'd be able to figure something out ... If it ain't one damn thing it's another: Workers at stricken Fukushima nuclear plant plug radioactive water leak, now racing to prevent hydrogen explosion ... Ranting off into the sunset: Glenn Beck announces he'll end his daily Faux Noise show later this year. Show's ratings have been sliding, advertisers leaving ... A very little big deal: Scientists at Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory excitedly announce discovery of hitherto unknown, very tiny particle, described as smaller than an atom and somewhat larger than Glenn Beck's brain ... The Times, They Ain't a-Changin': Bob Dylan plays first concert in China after Chinese government vets his playlist to remove any o' them nasty "protest" songs.

Thursday, April 7
Too close for comfort: Magnitude 7.2 quake rattles Japan again, but Fukushima nuclear plant escapes more damage ... Brinksmanship: With time running out to avoid government shutdown, House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) says he'll propose stopgap measure to keep doors open another week; Obama says he'll veto it ... Don't kiss that chicken! Case of salmonella in Deschutes County traced to baby chicks. Health officials warn the germ lurks in chicken feces and is transmitted to kids who handle or kiss baby chicks. Yecch ... Criminal art? Chinese government confirms it's holding Ai Weiwei, one of country's leading artists, for investigation of "economic crimes." Family says it's political persecution ... Any Barbra Streisand CDs in that tomb? Archaeologists in Czech Republic say they've found remains of first gay caveman, a male buried more than 4,500 years ago in style traditionally used for females.
Friday, April 8
Close call: Democrats and Republicans agree on $38 billion in budget cuts, avoid government shutdown. Last obstacle: Republicans wanted to cut funding for Planned Parenthood ... Doesn't add up: Oregon Department of Energy has spent $408,000 so far investigating alleged favoritism in award of contract to Cylvia Hayes, Gov. John Kitzhaber's main squeeze. Value of contract: $60,000 ... My pen is bigger than your pen: Donald Trump writes scathing attack on New York Times columnist Gail Collins after Collins ridicules him. "Her storytelling ability and word usage (coming from me, who has written many bestsellers), is not at a very high level," Trump sniffs. Ooh, snap! ... This will make your day: Sources report cast of "Jersey Shore" will be paid minimum of $100,000 per episode next season.
Saturday, April 9
The fight's not over yet: Egyptian military kills two in attack on demonstrators in Cairo ... Meanwhile, Syrian government vows tougher line against protesters demanding ouster of President Bashar al-Assad ... In it for the long haul: Toshiba, maker of the Fukushima nuclear plant, says it'll take 10 years to dismantle and demolish it ... Should've worn different shoes: Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff gives jailhouse interview to Financial Times, explains he was driven to fraud because "I was always outside the club, the club being the New York Stock Exchange and white shoe firms" ... Shockers! Pia Toscano, shockingly voted off "American Idol" Thursday, shockingly reported to have signed record deal already. This reporter is shocked!
Sunday, April 10
Nice raise, guys: CEOs of top 200 American companies got average pay of $9.6 million last year, up 12 percent over 2009. Leading the pack was Philippe P. Dauman of Viacom, who pulled down $84.5 million. And that was for just nine months' work ... On the road to where? Qaddafi reportedly agrees to "road map to peace" offered by African Union, calling for cease-fire, humanitarian aid and dialogue with rebels. But it doesn't call for him to leave office ... On the road to Bombsville: Charlie Sheen takes his "Violent Torpedo of Truth" show to Radio City, bombs again as audience boos, jeers and walks out ... On the road to Crazyville: Sarah Palin says she "thinks" President Obama was born in Hawaii, but praises Donald Trump for trying to "get to the bottom of" the non-issue.

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