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This Straight Poop Certified 100% Organic and Hormone-Free 

Scoop Lewis, Ace Reporter, delivers the straight poop on the past weeks most news worthy events.

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Monday, March 28

Tough nutcase to crack: Advance of Libyan rebels halted outside Muammar Qaddafi's hometown of Sirte. "The regime still vastly overmatches opposition forces militarily," says top American commander Gen. Carter F. Ham ... It just keeps getting hairier: Heavily contaminated water found leaking from Japan's Fukushima nuke plant; plutonium traces found in soil, radiation detected in rainwater on East Coast of US ... Getting high in the Middle East: French daredevil Alain Robert climbs world's tallest skyscraper, the Burj Khalifa in the United Arab Emirates, height 2,717 feet (that's more than two Empire State Buildings) ... Been there, done that: As it seems to do every spring, the Oregon Department of Transportation extends studded tire removal deadline. Why not just make it April 15 every year? ... Heartbreak for gadget junkies: No new iPhone, iPad or other Mac toys will be unveiled at this year's Apple software conference.

Tuesday, March 29

You gotta problem wit dat? Judge Maryann Sumi issues second order blocking Wisconsin's anti-union law after her first one was ignored by Republican legislators. "Apparently that language was either misunderstood or ignored," says judge ... They gotta problem wit dat: "Jersey Shore" begins airing on Italian TV, and the guidos and guidettes are not well-received. Stars like Jwoww and The Situation "embody the worst stereotypes of Italians, multiplied by thousands and Americanized," writes columnist in Rome ... Chickening out: Oregon House debates bill to outlaw sale of eggs from chickens kept in tiny cages. Lawmakers agree to settle issue by a show of hens. (Sorry, couldn't help myself) ... Corvallis rules! National County Health Rankings show Benton County is healthiest in Oregon. Deschutes County comes in at Number Seven.

Wednesday, March 30

Leaving the sinking ship? Musa Kusa, who is Qaddafi's foreign minister and has a really funny name, defects to Britain ... Meanwhile, Reuters reports President Obama signed secret order authorizing covert aid to Libyan rebels several weeks ago ... Well, duh: Neil M. Barofsky, special inspector general for Troubled Assets Relief (aka "Wall Street Welfare") Program, writes that TARP benefited only big banks, didn't help homeowners in trouble ... Gotta love them nukes: Radiation in ocean near Japanese reactors still rising, as Obama says nuclear energy remains part of strategy to cut US oil imports ... When reptiles go bad: Missing cobra from Bronx Zoo goes on Twitter, attracts 150,000 followers including Ellen Degeneres and NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg ... Indian star tortoise missing from Colorado zoo also surfaces on Twitter, tweets: "@bronxzooscobra Broke out a few days ago, it took time to get my shell phone to work," proving tortoises should not be allowed to pun loose. Damn, it's an epidemic.

Thursday, March 31

If that milk is glowing, don't drink it: Small amounts of radiation from Japanese nuke plant turn up in milk in Spokane, WA and San Luis Obispo County, CA; so far 15 states report radioactivity in air or water ... Wacky right roundup: Republican state legislators in Florida rebuke Democratic Rep. Scott Randolph for using word "uterus" when joking that wife should "incorporate her uterus" to stop Republicans from restricting abortion rights ... Meanwhile, US Rep. Willie Gohmert (R-TX) suggests US intervened in Libya to give Obama excuse to call up personal army supposedly created by health care reform law. No, it was not an early April Fool joke ... If the shoe fits: Circuit Court judge chucks out lawsuit by Oregon's former initiative king Bill Sizemore complaining that various organizations called him a convicted racketeer on grounds "it could be reasonably inferred" that he is one.

Friday, April 1

Kicking the hornets' nest: Afghan mob, infuriated by burning of Koran by Florida pastor Terry Jones March 20, storms UN headquarters, kills 11 workers ... Sexist bulldogs? Feds investigating Yale over charges by female students that college has "sexually hostile environment" and hasn't responded to their complaints ... Green shoots: US unemployment rate in March dropped to 8.8 percent, lowest in two years; gains almost all in private sector ... Not an April Fool joke: Donald Trump, GOP presidential contender and possessor of world's worst combover, gets own show on Faux Noise ... A joke any day of the year: Snooki, the guidette from "Jersey Shore," lands $32,000 speaking gig at Rutgers University. That's $2,000 more than Rutgers will pay Nobel winner Toni Morrison for commencement address.

Saturday, April 2

Quick, more paper towels! Efforts to plug leaking Fukushima reactor fail; radioactive water still spilling into ocean ... Ugliness escalates: Riots over Koran-burning continue in Afghanistan, killing nine more, as President Hamid Karzai demands US and UN bring Terry Jones to justice ... Go figure this: Senior managers of Transocean, the company whose Deepwater Horizon rig blew up and caused massive Gulf of Mexico spill, get safety bonuses ... Don't even try to figure this: Charlie Sheen's "Violent Torpedo of Truth" comedy act bombs on opening night, with patrons booing and walking out. "I'm a giant and leaky bag of mayhem," says Sheen. You got that right, Charlie ... Flaherty: The Epic Continues: Former Deschutes County prosecutors Phil Duong, Brentley Foster and Jody Vaughan sue Deschutes County DA Patrick Flaherty for unlawful firing.

Sunday, April 3

Peace feelers? Diplomatic sources say Saif Qaddafi proposes peace plan to remove his dad Muammar and establish constitutional democracy headed by himself in Libya. But rebels want Qaddafi and his sons out ... Everything's back to normal: BP asks US permission to resume deepwater drilling in Gulf of Mexico, less than year after blowout disaster ... Meanwhile, scientists alarmed at large number of dead sea turtles washing up on Gulf beaches ... More green shoots: Oregon Labor Commissioner Brad Avakian says state added 9,800 jobs in February, biggest one-month gain in 15 years ... Night of the long knives: House Budget Chairman Paul Ryan (R-WI) says Republicans want to cut "a lot more" than $4 trillion from budget, privatize Medicare ... Hold the presses! President Obama expected to announce Monday he's seeking second term.


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