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"Toxic Election-Year Sludge" 

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The author is wondering why reads like Hilarious headlines abound!

Things not to do if considering running for elected office: Confess on camera to being a witch and giving SNL a reason to stay on the air; pose in photographs dressed as a Nazi; question capitalism or electioneering; write a political column that mocks everyone. Indeed, this has been a week of toxic triumphs for those needing delousing.

Again leading the stupid yet stoic is Republican strategist Karl "Turd Blossom" Rove, who demanded, "How dare the president do this?" What did President Obama do now, Lord Poop? He dared echo new Democrat ads questioning where nonprofits like Rove's are getting and spending their money, including anonymous corporations flexing their newfound "freedom of speech" and foreign fundraising by the very Republican U.S. Chamber of Commerce that may be mixing into our domestic election. Normally this is very illegal, but not in a year that has seen more dirty money than strippers counting dollars after closing. Of course, the Chamber of Commerce says these foreign funds aren't intended for political purposes. To outsource American jobs instead? Equally amusing (or disgusting, depending on affiliation) is the reality that these 501(c)(4) organizations are tax-exempt, and exactly the "social welfare" that Republicans supposedly despise.

Equally head-scratching are reports that senior officials at the White House wouldn't allow government scientists to cite "worst case scenarios" during BP's oil spill in the Gulf. Instead of 2.6 million gallons actually gushing per day, the "official estimate" was 92% lower = 210,000 gallons. Akin to the economy, war on terrorism and most other subjects, Republicans couldn't seize on these revelations because of their myriad lies while in power, including a litany in post-Katrina Louisiana.

Also red-faced is Ohio congressional candidate Rich "Zeig Heil!" Iott, after The Atlantic magazine found pictures of the Republican wearing a Nazi SS uniform. Even worse was Iott's explanation that he joined Wiking, a re-enactment group of the 5th SS Panzer Division, as a "father-son bonding thing" (his son lost interest and curiously quit before dad did). A campaign killer, at least Iott has a few diehard fans, presently playing with guns deep in the woods, hoping to bond with boys.

This is toxic stuff. As if a giant reservoir holding millions of cubic meters of aluminum-manufacturing waste has given way, befouling everything below. And that's exactly what happened in Hungary last week, killing at least seven and injuring over 100, until reaching the Danube River to devastate wildlife and water supplies for several countries downstream. At least 8,000 have been evacuated, the head of the aluminum company responsible for the mess arrested, yet another half-million meters may still spill and the toxic red sludge is now drying and going airborne, making this yet another bad air day in post-Chernobyl Eastern Europe.

Damage control is critical at moments like these, and kudos to our $700+ billion Pentagon for totally screwing-up another cover-up. British aid worker Linda Norgrove had been held hostage in eastern Afghanistan for months until a secret rescue attempt by U.S. soldiers this weekend. "Ms. Norgrove was killed when one of her captors detonated an explosive device he was carrying," reported Lt. Col. John Dorrian after the botched rescue. But this was botched, too, with British Prime Minister David Cameron saying a day later that these statements were "highly likely to have been incorrect" and Ms. Norgrove was really killed by an American grenade. Top U.S. commander in Afghanistan General David Petraeus is now launching an investigation into the matter, which will leave us all feeling dissatisfied, like the "friendly fire" death of "hero" Pat Tillman.

Other hero news: The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior found that 85 percent of men believe they give their gals the big "O!" Only 64percent of women agree. An orgasm gap? Nope. This merely confirms that all women are liars and need to make their men a sandwich, stat! Related sexually unfulfilled women news: The 33 Chilean miners stuck for months a half-mile underground should be freed as of press time, and begging to be back in the dark depths next week after the media molests them.

Another hero of note is Ancentus "Danger" Akuku in Kenya, who married 100 women, divorced 30, and had at least 160 children; nicknamed "Danger" because of his womanizing ways, Akuku married his first wife in 1939, last in 1992, and gave thanks until his dying day last week that Kenya has no polygamy or alimony laws.

Legally, this was also one doozy of a week. Hall of Fame interception-thrower Brett Favre is being investigated for sexting a female Jets employee and former Playboy model, jeopardizing his NFL record 289 consecutive-game starts, and maybe his 14-year marriage (Favre will be a grandfather next spring). In perfect Favre fashion, #4 capped off his week by throwing his 500th TD pass to newly re-Vikinged Randy Moss and added a game- losing interception on the Viking's final Monday night drive because he is, after all, Brett Favre.

Finally, a CHiPs star is now in jail. Not dreamy Ponch, but his pale motorcycle-cop sidekick Jon, better known to SEC investigators as Larry Wilcox, one of 12 people charged with a stupid stock fraud scheme. According to Robert Khuzami of the SEC, "These corrupt promoters meticulously planned their schemes down to the last detail, except for the possibility that they were walking into an undercover operation." Ponch ain't coming to the rescue, and Jon is now facing 20 years more than CHiPs was on the air. What would Sgt. Getraer say if he could see him now...


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