Every day someone tells me, "Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me? You got it EEEEEEEASY. All you do is sit around on your spectacular honey-baked ham and watch TV! I call that: EEEEEEEASY." Well, it's not so EEEEEEEASY! I thought this TV criticizing gig would be the EEEEEEEASiest job in the world—until I discovered there's a considerable amount of typing involved! As it turns out, the pearls of wisdom shooting from my mouth don't automatically land on the page—unless, we're talking about my other "pearls of wisdom." I actually have to type them or hire an intern to type them for me. Not easy when all I have to offer for payment are "pearls of wisdom." (I'll let you guess which "pearls" I'm talking about.)
Typing is especially a "p" in the "a" when it comes to television stuff. For example, the ABC show starring Sarah Chalke called How to Live with Your Parents (for the Rest of Your Life). That took me, like, ten minutes to type! And I had to look up how to spell Sarah Chalke's name! Fuck YOU, Sarah Chalke! And fuck How to Live with Your Parents (for the Rest of Your Life), too!
HOWEVER! Since How to Live with Your Parents (for the Rest of Your Life)—UGGNNHHH!—just got canceled, I should be happy I never have to type How to Live with Your Parents (for the Rest of Your Life) again, right? Well, I'M NOT. Because just after ABC said they canceled How to Live with Your Parents (for the Rest of Your Life), they announced they're picking up Joss Whedon's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D—which just took me 20 minutes to type! Not only did I have to look up Joss Whedon's name (Fuck YOU, Joss Whedon and your hard-to-spell "special snowflake" name!) but the constant CAP LETTER PERIOD CAP LETTER PERIOD CAP LETTER PERIOD DRIVES ME INSAAAAAAAANE!! (Fuck YOU, too, M*A*S*H!)
Here are some other shows debuting this week who aren't doing me any typing favors:
• Does Someone Have to Go? (FOX, Thursday, May 23, 9 pm). Less of a reality competition than a "social experiment," Does Someone Have to Go? makes the disgruntled employees of a crappy company the bosses—and they vote on who gets fired! That was hard for me to type, because I don't think writers who hate to type would do very well in this scenario.
• Behind the Candelabra (HBO, Sunday, May 26, 9 pm). Here's hot poop director Steven Soderbergh's (had to spellcheck that twice!) new biopic with Michael Douglas as Liberace (only checked once) and Matt Damon as his closeted lover Scott Thorson (three times). Seriously though, guys—don't miss this one because it's gonna be AH-MAY-ZING. And it took 13 minutes to learn how to spell "candelabra"—so don't make it a waste of my time.
• Arrested Development (Netflix, starting Sunday, May 26). The highly anticipated fourth season of Arrested Development debuts Sunday on Netflix—and they're releasing all the episodes at once! So let's welcome back Michael, George Michael, Buster, Gob, Tobias Fünke, Lindsay Fünke, Maeby Fünke, Bob Loblaw, and OH MY GOD! THAT LAST SENTENCE TOOK 30 MINUTES!!!
Fifteen minutes for 140 characters. @WmSteveHumphrey
9 pm ABC MODERN FAMILY
Season finale! Phil's mom passes away, which is terrible enough—but her "dying wish" makes things worse!
10 pm ABC NASHVILLE
Season finale! Rayna performs with Brad Paisley—what? No LL Cool J?
8 pm NBC SAVE ME
Debut! Anne Heche stars in this absolutely TERRIBLE sitcom about a woman who thinks she's God's prophet. YUCK!!
9 pm FOX DOES SOMEONE HAVE TO GO?
Debut! Bosses turn their companies over to the employees (who don't get paid extra for the trouble).
10 pm IFC MARON
Marc's ex-wife is having a baby! (Which is a good as reason as any to send Marc spiraling into depression.)
10:30 pm NICK SANJAY & CRAIG
Debut! A new cartoon about a boy who befriends his snake. (An actual snake.)
10 pm BBCA THE NERDIST
A particularly good episode, featuring comedian Ron Funches, Katie Sackhoff and Guillermo del Toro! SQUEEE!
9 pm HBO BEHIND THE CANDELABRA—Movie
(2013) The Steven Soderbergh Liberace biopic starring Michael Douglas and Matt Damon! Recommended!
10 pm AMC MAD MEN
Stop whatever you're watching, because in this episode, "Joan goes to the beach." OH BOYYYYYY!!!
9 pm VH1 HIT THE FLOOR
Debut! A scripted soap about sexy professional half-time dancers for a pro basketball team. Sounds too highbrow for me!
10 pm CBS BROOKLYN DA
Debut! A new reality show about district attorneys and/or dumb asses.
11 pm SPIKE NEVER EVER DO THIS AT HOME
Debut! Two dorks do dangerous experiments that cause their home insurance to skyrocket.