Wanted: More Thumbs

Sad to say, but "criticizing things" can be a real cutthroat business! If I'm not keeping up with the other TV and movie critics in the country, I could easily find myself at the bottom of a dumpster, licking cheese out of a discarded Dominos box. That's why, in honor of the new Fall season of TV shows, I've decided to institute a new "rating system" - just like every other hack critic employs when they're unable to use "words" to say whether they like something or not. But instead of numbers, stars, pineapples, or other fruit, I'll be rating the new Fall shows with an old standby: THUMBS.

The problem is, of course, I only have two thumbs. So how was I supposed to give a show I like four thumbs if I only have two? I obviously needed a LOT more thumbs - which is why I turned to Craigslist.
Weirdly, I didn't get much response from my ad requesting lots of thumbs. However, a self-described "amateur butcher" and "parts collector" emailed me back, saying he had "an extensive collection of thumbs" and due to pressing "legal problems" he wouldn't mind parting with a few of them. YAY!! So here I am, sitting on a packed ice chest and ready to give some of these new shows the thumbs they deserve! Such as...
Hawaii Five-O (CBS, debuts Monday, Sept 20, 10 pm). This reboot of the classic Honolulu cop show twists the concept slightly by making McGarrett's gang a troubled secret task force designed to bust the baddies. Expect the same gorgeous locales sprinkled with dark shenanigans and half-naked cavorting from Lost's Daniel Dae Kim and Battlestar Galactica's Grace Park! Rrrrowrrr!! I give this show a horny FOUR COLD THUMBS!
Raising Hope (FOX, debuts Tuesday, Sept 21, 9 pm). An awful name for what could be a great show! A dumb-as-rocks slacker (Lucas Neff) inherits a baby and tries to raise it with not-very-much help from his hilariously inept hillbilly family. This one has solid, prickly jokes that suck you in before b-slapping you with eye-moistening emotion. Check it out, because I'm giving this one a huge... hmmm... let's see... FIVE-AND-A-HALF THUMBS (because I can't seem to locate the other half of the sixth).
Running Wilde (FOX, debuts Tuesday, Sept 21, 9:30 pm). Again with the "Blank-ing Blank" titles! UGH! However, this has serious potential because it comes from the creators of Arrested Development and stars Will Arnett (Gob from AD) as a richie-rich trying to woo his former maid's hippie-dippy daughter (Felicity's Keri Russell). However, because of the title I'm only going to give it TWO BLUE THUMBS AND ONE THAT'S KINDA TURNING GREEN.
Undercovers (NBC, debuts Wednesday, Sept 22, 8 pm). J.J. Abrams (Lost, Alias) returns to the spy game with this story of two verrrrry sexy African-American former CIA agents who are dragged back into the game, and use their adventures to reignite their sex lives! An awesome premise that deserves SEVEN THUMBS... except I only have six left. WAIT! Found an eyeball at the bottom! SIX THUMBS AND ONE EYEBALL!
Next I'll be needing toes. [email protected] om