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Water World, Hold the Costner 

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There used to be a bartender in Denver who wore a button that said, "Ask me about water, no ice." Only the truly daring would venture the question because the answer was a whirlwind of hate and distaste she had for those who didn't just take their water from the tap with some ice cubes in it. I don't share this hatred, but I am always amazed by all of the creative ways people have found to enjoy one of life's simplest pleasures.

A lot can be learned from the person who places a water order.

No ice? You think a lot about hydration and you don't sip your water you inhale it. You will drink at least three full glasses of water in long gulps and the only reason you stop devouring it is because you don't know what's going on in conversation as you've spent most of the evening making trips to the restroom.

Straw? You are a woman, men hate straws and immediately pull them from their drinks in wild disbandment. You like to look pretty when you drink your water and you don't want your lipstick to tarnish. The straw can also be used as a tool in flirtation as you stir your water with it and use your other hand to flip your hair.

Three ice cubes, two little straws, one lime, one lemon twist, and a splash of cranberry. You are high maintenance and sexually frustrated. You are never satisfied with what is offered to you and you often look a gift horse in the mouth. You will spend most of the evening with a look of bored wretchedness and stare at others with distaste. For you, I would recommend a simple glass of lukewarm tap water in a scratched-up pint glass - you'll learn a lot when you break free from your water order.

H2O on the rocks

Take any glass, add ice, and fill to top with water.


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