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We Need More Ammo: Lead shortages, libraries, Jack Kemp sacked, and Souter 

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting on hedge-funding the 'Green' movement,

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting on hedge-funding the 'Green' movement, and stealing advertisers from the Boston Globe while on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

click to enlarge Never speak ill of the dead
  • Never speak ill of the dead
Never speak ill of the deadThankfully, Obama's Recession Hasn't Hurt Bush

107 days and counting, it is amazing how Obama has utterly ruined our country - the economy sucks, the CIA tortures, exotic flus are spreading, Joe Biden can't shut-up... Gracefully, the president who handed our country over to this Socialism semi-Muslim is still doing swell; George W. Bush has already raised $100 million for his Presidential Library, planned to open on Southern Methodist University's campus in Dallas by 2013 when the shredding is completed. Pitched to donors as a place to "further the domestic and international goals of the Bush administration," the library will contain no books, pictures, or documents, but rather house a total of 911 American flags and the souls of all who worked in the White House from 2001-2008. Two notes: Bill Clinton didn't hit the $100 hallmark until well into his second year of fundraising for his own brothel, err, library in Arkansas, and Bush can thank the same friends who made his two terms so successful; Texas oilman Donald Evans chairs the library foundation - one of the seven total Americans who benefited from eight years of Bush, a president who left office with a favorability rating of 22%, and still believes that "history will vindicate" him.

Jack Kemp, Total Loser, Dead at 73

So maybe he wasn't a total loser - leading the Buffalo Bills to their only championships, but in the AFL, back when "pigskin" wasn't a racial slur - but this guy really chose the wrong side. After a 13-year career and one MVP award as quarterback, Kemp suffered muscle spasms and delusions from multiple concussions and, thus, became a Republican. Advocating low taxes and supply-side economics (totally proven to be the best way to enslave the masses and bankrupt America) Kemp represented the southtowns (= Polish quarter) of Buffalo in the House of Representatives from 1971-1989, got beat like a Kurd while running for President in 1988, then served his master, George H.W. Bush, as his Secretary of HUD. What few Republicans will admit is that Reagan actually raised taxes, in 1982, and Kemp was the sole voice of opposition (why The National Review recently called Kemp "our JFK"). While endorsing John McCain for President last year, Kemp offered the prophetic: "I never met a poor person in America that was worried about the rich." Hmmm, Madoff? Exxon-Mobil? AIG? Ughh, forget it, RIP Jack.

This Moment of Distraction, Brought to You by Red Bull

The eight year-old girl in Saudi Arabia was allowed to divorce the 50-year-old man she was forced to marry to settle her father's debts, her father reported from Vegas. That heroin-smuggling British woman won't face a firing squad in Laos after all; "She became pregnant in prison. We are concerned that it may not have been consensual and we are concerned that someone who finds herself in prison at 20 is subject to exploitation." explained a representative of the London-based human rights group Reprieve. Really? Anyone over 18 is totally safe in prison in America, thankfully she got busted with half a kilo of heroin in Laos, where a man would have been full of lead by now. Speaking of lead, America gun retailers are demanding more ammo due to the run on bullets after Obama was elected. And, finally, for some reason, people still watch American Idol - I can't explain it, either; Bo Bice was the last real talent - "Whipping Post" baby!

While You Were Watching Idol, the World Exploded

A wedding on Monday went south in Ankara, Turkey, when masked men with grenades and machine guns burst in and killed 44 and wounded 20; two girls survived because their friends fell on them after being shot. Pakistan's tourism bureau is making new brochures entitled, "Taliban Welcome!" Intense fighting continues outside Islamabad, and the nuclear arsenal of Pakistan is up for grabs - Soon to be settled by a "Who has the longest beard?" contest.

The Wisdom of Joe the Plumber

Good thing the GOP chose this guy to make its tent bigger. Joe the Plumber, actually named Samuel Wurzelbacher, who was made famous during John McCain and Sarah Palin's endless parade of b*llshit campaign events, offered the following during an interview with the compassionate and open-minded publication Christianity Today: "I've had some friends that are actually homosexual. And, I mean, they know where I stand, and they know that I wouldn't have them anywhere near my children." I feel the same about white people, I mean, one of them was my roommate at college, but now he works for Goldman Sachs, so I don't want him anywhere near my 401K.

Finally, A Few Thoughts on Souter's Replacement

After Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, David Souter, announced he will retire this summer, Obama should follow this brilliant advice on his replacement: No penis (Souter was a lifelong bachelor and liked antiquing in New England, you know what I mean?); no minorities (Souter is really white, so his replacement should need sunblock and like mayo on his sandwiches); no Clintons (Bill in a long black robe ?); no controversy (abortion is so '90s, now that Bush brought back unwed mothers, and Bristol Palin); no Federalists (Scalia is dick, let's match him with sharper teeth). In the end, the only proper choice is a bitch pitbull puppy, cute and frolicking, bringing laughter as the Supreme Court announces that Habeas Corpus can be suspended indefinitely, Monsanto baby-clones are legal, Condi Rice is attractive, and that Dick Cheney can't be indicted.

WTF: Paging Dr. Fakeypants...

Upon learning that a 22-year-old Crooked River man was arrested for illegally performing medical and dental procedures, we let out a hefty "WTF?!" And we let out another "WTF?!" (as well as a "really?" and an "are you kidding me?") when it was reported this week that this was his third arrest for impersonating a medical professional. Perhaps DVD sets of the complete series of Dougie Houser, M.D. should be accompanied with a disclaimer stating something along the lines of: "Real doctors are not children, but in fact highly trained professionals." Damn you (once again) Neil Patrick Harris!

But what in the name of Dr. Nick Riviera (and his degree from the Hollywood Upstairs School of Medicology) are people doing letting a 22-year-old perform surgery, however minor, on them? Yeah, sometimes when Upfront's 1987 Audi 5000 breaks down, we consult a neighbor for some help replacing the starter motor, but when we have an irregular growth on our foot, we don't exactly stand on the front porch and yell, "Hey Randy, you still got that scalpel?" We understand that times are tough and there remains a shocking number of people without health and/or dental insurance that might be tempted by a bargain procedure, but here's a tip: when the "doctor" takes breaks for Xbox and Mountain Dew during your operation, you might want to jump off the operating table.


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