To Hell in a Hand Basket: Of bailouts, turds, oil and Slurpees | The Source Weekly - Bend

To Hell in a Hand Basket: Of bailouts, turds, oil and Slurpees

American Socialism

Hear that? Unearthed dust and crackling bones as the Founding Fathers are rolling in their graves. Capitalism has failed; welcome to American Socialism - Where the Federal government can step in close and/or negotiate a buyout of a publicly-held institution (Bear Stearns) and/or invest in others more amiable: Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, under the ever-diligent guidance of President Bush, will ask Congress - err, the Saudi Royal Family and China - for funds to back the two giant housing financiers. Each company currently has $2.25 billion in government backing, set some 40 years ago, and a total debt between them of over $1.5 trillion. Trillion. So, the next time you hear politicians slandering Hugo Chavez and Russia for nationalizing entire industries, remember this moment. Or, think back to the golden days of Reagan and the first Bush, when the same financial scandals hit, and involving the Bush brother we don't dare mention, Neil, who was fined $50,000 and banned from banking. Praise George Washington that the free market works so well!

karl Marx - stoned immaculate. "Turd Blossom" part deux

Oh Karl, you awesome fella! Just another good ole boy like Bush, Karl Rove was a no-show for his congressional appearance last Thursday. Who can blame him? Those pesky, anti-patriotic Democrats are in control and he doesn't have to tell them squat. Ignoring a subpoena to explain his possible involvement in the firings of U.S. Attorneys and his role in the prosecution of the former governor of Alabama (who has since been released from prison by a judge), Karl Rove, former White House advisor, was actually out of the country when he was supposed - summoned - to appear before the House Judiciary subcommittee. "Mr. Rove is not above the law and Congress will assert its constitutional role to serve as a check on the power of the executive branch," offered Rep. Linda Sanchez, the chair of the Judiciary subcommittee who Rove snubbed. Meanwhile, in another court far, far away, contempt of court charges against former White House counsel Harriet Miers and Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten are still being argued. Will we ever know the truth? Not for years, if ever, and by then a new president will be in office, eager to protect his/her right to executive privilege.

It Wasn't About Oil - Or, Well, OK It Was...

We invaded Iraq to liberate them from a brutal dictator. Say that again. We invaded Iraq to liberate them... It had nothing to do with oil. Don't mention that ugly three-letter word. Until now: The Iraqi regime, so free and optimistic after five years of bloody war, opened bidding for foreign oil companies to exploit their wealth. Yes, they actually use the word "exploit" when talking about oil reserves. Leading the race to exploit Iraq are Exxon Mobil, Shell, BP, Total and Chevron - Ironically, the same multinationals that were exploiting Iraq's oil wealth before that brutal dictator, Saddam, took control of the country decades ago. With proven reserves of 115 billion barrels plus another 112 trillion cubic feet of gas, Iraq is a goldmine to the lucky companies selected. "Selected" is another strange term in the oil biz; U.S. "advisers" led by the State Department were critical in steering the selection process to these five Western oil companies. Praise Allah, we liberated the Iraqis from themselves, and have helped show them the true path. Free to live, to choose (well, on most insignificant matters) and to be fully exploited.

We Need More Guns - NOW!

As an addendum to the Source's cover article titled "Pistol Whipped" that seems to have pissed off every gun- and America-loving resident of Central Oregon, consider this: On Sunday, July 13, Melody Ann Green and Robin Renee Young, sisters and Bendites, got into a domestic dispute at around 9pm. Young allegedly pointed a loaded firearm at Green during the argument and a quick-witted witness disarmed her before any shots were fired. Charged with Pointing a Firearm at Another and Menacing, Young is presently lodged at the Deschutes County Jail, while Green is sharpening her machete at home.

Men Reading Fashion Magazines

It was such a lovely night for a walk, last Friday, a Slurpee (trademark 7-11) in my hand and a pocket full of goofballs. Practically floating along Drake Park I moseyed downtown, only to witness the most homoerotic exercise ever. Forgive the ignorance, but the notion of dozens and dozens of men chasing each other in tight outfits seems so, what's the word? Festive? And, sorry, I know they've come from far and wide to race here but, really, must those shorts be so tight, buttocks so firm and agile? Is wind resistance truly an issue when sprinting 100 yards down Wall Street? Would it be too much to ask that they wear baggier shorts or, if governing rules forbid, at least a tutu to truly express the joy that is leaning over, pumping hard, a hot sweaty crack inches from your face? The ladies at least keep it real; bike outfits are so unflattering that I could at least focus on their races. And then another 6'4" stringbean stud came by, pushing his bike, acting all disappointed that his race was over, looking to me and my Slurpee, making me blush and forcing me to say something homophobic, like, "Geez, I can't wait to go to church on Sunday!"