Ain't No Party Like A Tea Party: Cuddly mustaches, Freemasons and Anna Nicole's millions | The Source Weekly - Bend

Ain't No Party Like A Tea Party: Cuddly mustaches, Freemasons and Anna Nicole's millions

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from an ER, demanding universal care for a dangerous mind and ravaged liver after uploading Or Bust's 100th episode (all in under a year) on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

That Didn't Hurt At All, Did It?

Now that Obama has signed health care reform (kinda, sorta) into law, let's look at how costly (the health insurance biz spent $200 million lobbying against it) and bloody it was. Rep. Emanuel Cleaver (D-MO) was spat upon and called "N" (let's call it "Ninny" because the GOP and Tea Party enthusiasts aren't racist - according to themselves) yet Cleaver still declined to press charges when the racist honker was arrested by police; Rep. John Lewis (D-GA) was also called Ninny, with the Civil Rights veteran offering, "There's a lot of downright hate and anger and people are just being downright mean." GOP and Tea Party racists soon proved homophobic too, verbally assaulting Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass) as he floated up the capitol's steps, a bundle of sticks in his hand (a "faggot" by definition - which of course he was called).
In defense, Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) said, "Let's not let a few isolated incidents get in the way..." adding that the bill will kill the economy, your grandma, and empower minorities. GOP Chairman Michael Steele, an African-American whose mustache hints at snuggling on the down-low, reinforced, "It is not a reflection on the Republican party when you have idiots out there... " Idiots and "isolated incidents" continued into the House of Representatives during the final 219-212 vote, with Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-TX) yelling "Baby killer!" at anti-abortion Rep. Bart Stupak (D-MI). After the vote, multiple Democrats' offices were vandalized nationwide, with windows smashed and slurs poorly spelled on walls. Let's pray for a return to sanity, and remember that idiots and racists didn't like the Civil Rights Act or the results of the Civil War either.

Speaking of Domestic Terrorism

A motorcycle gang busted for dealing meth is being blamed for a rash of targeted bombings and booby-traps in Hemet, California, all aimed at the local police; including natural gas being piped into an officer's house and a gun rigged to fire as another officer opened his gate. Authorities are calling the acts, "Nothing short of domestic terrorism." ACORN, the strong-arm of sissy Democratic voter enrollment groups, announced it is closing operations amid "falling revenues" and scandals resulting from GOP operatives using hidden cameras to tape ACORN workers telling potential voters that their votes will help stop the GOP from spying on Americans. Meanwhile, a teenager in Turnersville, New Jersey, gained access to the Wal-Mart's public address system to declare, "All blacks need to leave the store." Confused Latinos took the announcement as a compliment while white shoppers kept sifting through cheap crap.

Other Oblivion

On the 7th anniversary of invading our 53rd state, Iraq (#51 being Israel and Afghanistan #52) $50 billion in military contracts can't be accounted for (Hint: Look under Cheney's smirk), Shiites and Sunnis still hate each other, unemployment is 30 percent, somewhere between 12 and 850,000 Iraqis are dead (depending on whose statistics you use) and nearly 5,000 American troops honorably sacrificed. Hoo-Rah! Glad Dubya's "Crusade" (his word pre-invasion) based on fables was a success! Janitor-in-Chief Obama has promised a full withdrawal by August, yet Cindy Sheehan's mourning for her lost soldier son needs another dose of fame-tonic, so she is camping at the base of the Washington Monument to protest, um, well, something. More sexy military news: Women will soon be allowed among seamen (yes, correct spelling) on submarines while retired U.S. Army General John Sheehan blamed the Srebrenica massacre on "openly homosexual" Dutch soldiers.

Mao Yahoo!

Google is going Catholic and pulling out of China as ongoing spats about censorship (search terms "Tiananmen Square," "Dalai Lama" and "Rusty Trombone" don't return any results) and government hacking of gmail accounts have forced the Internet porn-engine to move its Asian operations to Hong Kong, with a company spokesman saying, "We very much hope that the Chinese government respects our decision, though we are well aware that it could at any time block access to our services."

Big Money!

Dumb, blonde and dead Anna Nicole Smith can't keep the $300 million her former billionaire husband (also dead) J. Howard Marshall gave to her as "a gift." The legal battle has been going on so long that everyone involved is now deceased, with Marshall's son (also dead) somewhat winning in the end. In response to proposed banking reform legislation, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke is saying that only he and his mysterious organization (aided by aliens and the Freemasons) should supervise the banking system, but his arguments were a bit off-base: "Although it was not the case in the current crisis, instability can be generated by small institutions as well as by large ones." Um, ok Mr. Chairman, so you didn't stop the "current crisis" but still want to keep the status quo, sure, yeah, makes sense.