My Bracket Sucks: Everything I think will happen during the NCAA tournament

Let me clarify one thing before we get started with the NCAA Basketball Tournament: A lot of the stuff I predict won't happen... or won't happen how I want it to. Or it will happen, but I'll miss it because I have a stupid job that makes me sit at a stupid desk without a TV or ample bandwidth to stream four games at once. I'd quit, but I'd probably regret that sometime in mid-April... or when the sweet sixteen is occupied exclusively by boring zone-playing, top-seeded state schools.

So yeah, we got that out of the way, thus preventing you from sending me one of those "you were wrong" e-mails in the coming three weeks.

1: The people who continue to call the NCAA Tournament "March Madness™" will turn out to be the ones who haven't watched a single regular-season game all year. Also, they'll probably also use that term on a party flier and get sued by CBS or whoever owns the rights to that tired yet pleasantly alliterative phrase.

2: Nine of the 11 (yes, 11) teams from the Big East will disappoint fans, commentators and the multinational conglomerates that apparently lobbied for this conference to get automatic bids for merely lacing up their shoes.

3: Your bracket is going to suck. And by suck, I mean really, really suck. It's OK, so will mine.

4: Your nebbish co-worker's bracket will prove to be created with Zeus-like accuracy, which you'll laugh off at first, until he or she says, "Who is this vampire-looking guy coaching Duke?"

5: Jimmer won't be able to single-handedly keep BYU afloat, even if he does have another 50-point, zero-moral-infractions day.

6: But Kembe will be able to save the day for UConn.

7: Michigan State will win a game, making it tough for you to continue bitching about how they should have never been in the field of 68 with their 14 losses. Yes, that's right... 14 losses.

8: On Wednesday morning, you'll say: "Man, did you guys see those First Four games last night on TruTV?" at which point everyone will stare at you and ask things like: "What's the First Four" and "What's TruTV?"

9: There will be one commercial - probably about free credit reports - during the CBS/TBS/TNT/TruTV programming with which you'll gleefully sing along on Thursday, but will begin to haunt your dreams by Saturday afternoon. This will have no effect, however, on your credit score.

10: This year's championship won't measure up to last year's Butler vs. Duke slugfest, but it won't matter because most of you will have stopped caring about the tournament by then because Charlie Sheen made a tweet or something.