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A Tale of Two Biebers 

As you already know, I have a complicated relationship with Justin Bieber. About the time his mega summer jam "Baby" hit the airwaves back in 2010, I became Justin Bieber's #1 grownup fan. (I was also in hot contention to become his #1 creepiest fan—but got beat out by some pee-hole who was later arrested on various sodomy charges. BOOOOOO!) I owned at least two Justin Bieber t-shirts; a Justin Bieber shower curtain; Justin Bieber tooth floss and singing electric toothbrush; Justin Bieber dogtags (just in case someone ever started a JB militia); a Justin Bieber action figure (who would fight my GI Joes... and always win); Justin Bieber perfume (which weirdly didn't smell anything like Justin Bieber); and a Justin Bieber wig that I wore to all Justin Bieber fan club meetings—of which I was President, Vice President, and Grand Exalted Dictator of Bieberosity.

HOWEVER. As relationships sometimes do, eventually Justin Bieber and I grew apart. And it was just this week—when I noticed that Das Biebs was scheduled to be the musical guest AS WELL AS the host of Saturday Night Live (NBC, Feb. 9, 11:30 p.m.)—that I began wonder why I was no longer drifting off to sleep wrapped in my Justin Bieber comforter. Here, what I think, are the reasons:

1) He didn't own a comforter with my face on it. Nor dog tags, nor dental floss, nor shower curtain. Obsession is a two-way street, Justin! (You could have at least worn the "Wm.™ Steven Humphrey bunion pads" I sent you.)

2) I didn't like the way he handled puberty. When I hit puberty? In less than three weeks I grew roughly 14 inches in every direction. Hair sprouted out of every orifice. My voice sounded like someone had thrown a cat into a cement mixer. And I lurched around the halls of my middle school like some bizarre, hairy, screeching Golem that was doused in anti-cheerleader formula. Meanwhile, Justin's puberty consisted of his voice dropping an octave, growing six-pack abs and changing his haircut. I kind of hate him for that.

3) And... well... ummm... he's kind of a douche. I didn't mind his jet skis and yellow Ferrari douche-mobiles—that's what dumbass rich kids do with their money. I just don't like the new Justin Bieber—the one strutting around shirtless with droopy drawers and a sideways baseball cap. Or the new Justin Bieber, who, according to Star magazine, cheats on his girlfriend with a nursing student who he takes to McDonalds for dinner, and then back to his place to have sex, smoke dope and drink "Sizzurp" (which apparently is some sort of soft drink made with Jolly Ranchers and Codeine cough syrup???). WHAT????

Look. I don't expect JB to be the same angel-voiced, floppy-haired, pudding-faced pop star of 2010. He's allowed to grow up. He's allowed to change. I just don't want to be around to see it. (Besides, what am I supposed to do with all these Wm™ Steven Humphrey dog tags, shower curtains—and, this just in—cooling hemorrhoid pads? Forget Justin Bieber! America, don't let your obsession with me go to waste!)

Sizzurp me on Twizzurp! @WmSteveHumphrey

WEDNESDAY 6

9:00 TLC TODDLERS & TIARAS

Toddlers vie for the crown in the most horrifying beauty contest ever: a CIRCUS pageant??

10:00 FX THE AMERICANS

Philip and Elizabeth are ordered to plant a bug in Caspar Weinberger's office! "Honey, it's the big time!"

THURSDAY 7

8:00 NBC COMMUNITY

Season premiere! Dean Pelton devises a way for the students to keep their classes (with no help from Dan Harmon).

10:30 MTV BUCKWILD

Season finale! The hillbilly youngsters leave the shed, making every pig in the area breathe a sigh of relief.

FRIDAY 8

8:00 CBS THE JOB

Debut! Five candidates compete for one shitty job, and this is what America has been reduced to.

10:30 VH1 THE JENNY McCARTHY SHOW

Debut! The former Playboy bunny/comedian gets her own pop culture show which will zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

SATURDAY 9

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Hosted by Justin Bieber, musical guest Justin Bieber, with sizzurp drinking by Justin Bieber.

SUNDAY 10

8:00 CBS THE GRAMMY AWARDS

Only two reasons to watch this: Hosted by LL Cool J and a performance by Justin Timberlake!! SQUEEEEEEEE!!

10:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD

Return! Rick tries to save Daryl, while Carl tries to save the prison from old one-eyed Governor!

MONDAY 11

11:00 SHO INSIDE COMEDY

Season premiere! Host David Steinberg interviews two comic greats, Louis C.K. and Bob Newhart!

TUESDAY 12

9:00 ALL NETS STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

The President speaks on a wide range of topics including gun control, immigration, and why Beyonce lip-synchs.

10:00 FX JUSTIFIED

Raylan poops his skinny jeans when his deadbeat murdering dad is let out of prison.

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